I woke up at 12:30pm, feeling tired. I tried to go back asleep, but couldn't so I got up ten minutes later.
I went online to see who was on. I was hoping Claire might be, but no. I checked my email/diaries etc and talked to the people who were online for a bit.
After an hour or so, I got fed up and lay on my bed for a while, tired, thinking. I could hear Laura's radio playing. Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart came on. I love that song. It made me think.
'Cos all of the stars, they're fading away, just try not to worry, you'll see them some day. Take what you need, and be on your way and stop crying your heart out.
It made me think about Claire.
I am getting over her, but I still love her, no matter how much she may hurt me. I can't help that. I thought about all the nice times we have had together in the past and they're the times when I felt most happy. Now those happy times have gone and i'm back with nothing again. No girlfriend and no friends.
It makes me feel so lonely and lost. All I can see for me in the future is darkness. Black. Empty.
I felt like crying at that point, but the tears never come. That makes me feel worse - the fact that I can't cry.
I got back in bed in the end and thought some more, trying to go asleep at the same time, only to become exhausted from thinking things over, and yet more awake from doing it. After an hour I got up again and came back online.
I talked to Kate for a while. She said how she thought Claire was immature and ignorant. Claire can be these things, but I can't help but love/loved her. Unconditonal love, right?
I don't even think Claire wants to talk to me no more. I haven't seen her online for a few days now. I think she has me on block, or she is in 'appear offline' status. Whenever she does talk to me, her answers are blunt. One worded. It's not much of a conversation, no matter how hard I try and make it one. I guess even though she said she still wanted to by my friend, she now doesn't. That hurts. A girlfriend and a friend gone at the same time.
She also said that she thinks I am being lazy because I want a job but am not willing to go and get one. That isn't the case though, it really isn't. It's not because I am lazy. I really wouldn't sit here day in and out feeling like I do today. If there is/was a way for me to feel better then I will gladly do it, but it's having the motivation to do it, of which I don't have any.
I want to achieve in life, like anyone does. I just don't have the motivation to do so. I'm a determined person, but depression is something that knocks me back. And it is depression that is the cause of the apparant laziness.
Pysichally I am fine. I am able. However, mentally, I am not fine. In a way, I am disabled and that's where the no motivation comes in. Depression makes you fatigued, lathargic and basically not wanting to do anything. Most days, that's how I feel.
However, there are some days when all of that is not present and I feel like I can do anything and on those days, I do do everything I need to do. I catch up on things that have been put aside. It's like a breath of fresh air, those days.
Sadly, they go just as quick as they come and I don't know when the next time will be that I'll feel like that. Then it's back to feeling horrible.
I know I have a good mind and if given the right circumstances, it could be put to good use. However, if i'm feeling awful it doesn't matter how good those circumstances are, I just won't feel like doing it.
An example would be college. I know that by going to college I will get a qualification in something and I'll socialise, thereby making friends and not being as lonely. This is good. This is what I want. To get that, I have to enroll in college. I haven't done that yet. The thing I need to do to get the thing I want I haven't done. I don't know why not. It can't be laziness because depression outweighs it by far.
I've not been out of my room yet. Not had anything to eat or drink since I woke up at 12:30pm. It's now 6:10pm. This is what happens when i'm feeling bad. I'm not feeling heavily depressed and yet this is how much it can affect me, so imagine what it's like when I do feel heavily depressed?
The only friends I have are online, two of which I feel very close to. Sophy and Natalie. Sophy is 50 miles away and Natalie is 200 miles away. Not a chance of a hug when I need one the most.
Oogee is asleep on the floor. Paws spread out, breathing slowly. He looks peaceful. What does a cat have to worry about? He is loved, fed and can go anywhere he likes, any time he likes without having to worry about nothing.
To be a cat...
6:21pm
