That's how it's been today.
I was talking to Natalie today. Telling her about the break up. I told her about the beanie Claire gave me. As soon as I typed it out and pressed enter, I broke down in tears. I began thinking about yesterday and how it was one of the most painful days of my life. The hurt. The tears. The hugging. The kissing. It all came back to me once again.
I then talked to Claire. She told me she loved me and it hurt. It hurt because she told me it was over, yet she says she still loves me. It's so confusing. It makes me feel torn in a way. To be loved by someone and to love them back, yet not be able to be with them.
Her reason for breaking up, however horrible it is, is logical. It's simple:
When Claire goes to college in September her mum has said she has to get a weekend job to support herself while she's in college (ie for lunch money and whatnot). Therefore, it would be impossible for Claire to see me at the weekends.
I know you might say 'well why can't she get a job in the week after college?'. It's because she'll be going to college a fair distance from hers and by the time she'd get home she wouldn't be able to get to the job.
I asked her why split up now then and not September? Why not have another two months togther before we end it on agreed terms? She said it was better like this. She said it was easier. That doesn't make any sense though. It's not easier. If anything, doing it when we both know it's coming would be easier.
I asked her to think about it. I know it probably won't happen though.
She asked me could we be together in two years or are we just going to stay friends forever more. I told her if either of us are with someone and we are happy with them then yes, we are going to be friends, but if neither of us are, then I will gladly be with her again.
In addition to that, she said I won't love her in two years time. Of course I won't love her as much because right now, I have no choice but to try and get over her, but there will always always always be a place for her in my heart. As a friend. As a lover. She'll always be my first.
She tried to make me hate her, saying everything we did together we regretted and that hurt a lot. She said she was trying to make me hate her so I'd stop talking to her and it'd be easier for me but I could never hate her.
I watched TV before, the Beanie sitting on my chest as I lay on my bed. Everytime I touched it I thought of Claire, and my hand on her face, caressing her. Brought more tears to my eyes.
It shouldn't be like this.
