5:02pm 16-06-02

Me and Claire have broke up. She said she didn't feel it was working. Today has been a very sad day filled with a lot of tears by both her and me. She said the main reason for her wanting to break up with me was the distance.

*sigh* The distance. The only thing that I have no control over.

Yesterday, I arrived at hers at 7pm. She didn't hug me or kiss me and I knew something was wrong. We hardly hugged or kissed at all. We hardly even talked.

When we went into her room I asked her why she was being like that. She said there was no reason, but I knew there was and so I continued to ask her.

"You're just gonna say i'm overreacting again", she said."No I won't", I said, "I promise"."I'm annoyed at you because you watched the football (the England V Denmark game) instead of coming to see me earlier. You could of got an earlier train and watched it here with me.""If I got an earlier train I would of had to leave at 9am, though", I replied."Oh, so i'm not worth getting up early for...""You know I don't like getting up that early. I wouldn't for anyone."

The conversation continued like this for a few minutes. We still hadn't hugged or kissed and that's all I wanted to do at that moment.

To try and lighten the mood I suggested we go see Spiderman. Everyone ended up going (ie her mum, dad and brother), though we sat away from them. The adverts seemed to be on for a long time. I'd say at least 15 minutes of them. No trailers, just ads.

I asked her if she was ok, since she had been acting very quiet since I'd gotten there. She looked very tired too. She said she'd been feeling like that for a few days now. The film began and I put my arm around her and kissed hr on the cheek.

The film itself was average I think. I don't understand why it sold so well.

When we got home we talked a little longer. We hugged and kissed, but only short hugs/kisses. After 15 minutes she went to bed.

In the morning when she came down at 10am. The mood was still the same as the night before. We had breakfast and returned to her room where we began talking.

I asked her what was wrong again.

"You're not gonna like it", she replied."Oh", I said "Tell me anyway. I hate you keeping things from me.""I don't feel the same about us no more"

At this point, I felt my heart sink.

"Why?""I don't know. I think we shoud go on a break. A proper break where we're just friends."

"But you already called a break for four weeks. Whether we're just friends or not, it wouldn't matter because we don't see each other every day anyway.""I know", she sighed, "but I don't know if I can do this no more. You're not here when I want you to be and i'm not there when you want me to be."

"So you want to break up with me?" I asked.

She nodded her head to signal a yes and my heart sank lower. I didn't know what to say. A week ago she said she wanted to be with me and made me change my mind about breaking up with her. Now she was saying she wanted to break up with me.

"You didn't feel like this when I spoke to you on the phone on Thursday", I said."It was only yesterday when I began feeling like this", she replied."Maybe I've changed", she said. "I feel different somehow"."You want to try it with Stuart don't you?", I asked.She nodded in agreement. Another strike against my heart."That's not the reason why I want to break up with you though", she said, sounding sure about it. "It's the distance".

Tears began welling up in my eyes and I put my arms around her and began to sob.

"I don't want to lose you", I said, still crying on her shoulder. "I don't want to lose you".

I pulled away from her and she was crying too. We looked each other in the eyes, saying nothing. Nothing could be said that would ease the situation. I reached out and held her close to me again.

"I love you so much", I cried."I love you too", she replied.

The crying continued for at least 30 minutes on and off. Every now and then pulling back from each other. She gave me a kiss on the lips and I knew this would be one of the last kisses I would ever give her. Another hug and another kiss, except this time it was longer. A passionate kiss. A loving kiss. The kiss that I had wanted for four weeks, but not like this. Not like this.

After 30 or 40 minutes, Claire said she had to go and get a shower. I hugged her tight, kissing her again. She wiped the tears from her eyes. She began reeling off things as if though she was in a hurry. It was like she was hyperventilating with words. I smiled and laughed a bit before shushing her and putting my arms around her. She began to cry again. A minute or two later she walked out her door, only to start reeling off things again, ending with "and I'll always love you no matter what". The tears came back and we hugged again. A minute later and she went for a shower.

When she came back she smiled at me and I tried to smile back. It didn't really work for either of us. She began getting dressed and she turned away from me in embarassment as he put her bra on. I asked her to turn around and she did. I took in her body in my mind. Creating a photographic image inside my head. Once she was dressed we lay on her bed and hugged. A real hug. The kind where you hold onto them, pressing them against you.

She said she had to dry her hair and I watched her from the back, seeing her reflection in the mirror. After she was done she moved over to where her Beanie Babies where and began to search for something. She picked out two bears.

"I want you to have this and I'll keep one too", she said. Tears came to the front of my eyes again and I began crying, hugging her once more. "Thankyou", I said.

6pm

6:35pm

We lay back down on the bed, hugging and kissing every now and again. "Maybe I should go home early", I suggested.She looked at me, in a negative way as to say no."Do you want me to go home early?", I asked and again the answer was no."Why, do you want to go home early?", she asked me."I don't know", I said, wishing everything wasn't happening."Do you wanna check the train times anyway?" she asked."Ok".

We checked for trains leaving before or after five. There were three. One at 4:50, another at around 5:45 and another at 6:50. I decided on the first, two hours before I was supposed to go.

We went back in her room and lay on her bed, holding each other tightly. Our kisses seemed to be more intense in a way.

She put my hand on her heart and looked at me. I smiled and we kissed, but this time it turned into a long one and as we were kissing, Claire took my hand and moved it over towards her breast. I felt so much love for her at that second. I knew she felt it for me too and yet this was to be the last day we'd be doing any of this together. Her hand guided mine down to her trousers and it followed on from that. We began kissing more and then I wanted to give her oral so of course that happened but the phone the and Claire had to get it.

After she came back, she knelt on the floor while I sat on the bed and she put her arms around me and we kissed some more. She pulled her top up, wanting me to play more and so I did and naturally it proceeded to her trousers and I made her cum. Shortly afterwards she returned the favour and then went to have lunch.

Her mum said she'd make it so we sat in the living room and watched Ireland V Spain. Spain won on penalties.

After that we went back into her room. Again, we hugged and kissed. Her mum went out to pick Luke up and we decided that we wanted more fun so we made each other cum again.

A while later and it was already 4:10pm. Her mum came home at 4:20 and shortly afterwards we had to go. I hugged Claire tight before we left her room.

In the car we held hands. Enrique Eglesias - Hero was playing. How fitting. "I can kiss away the pain"; and I knew today had been about trying to overcome the pain with kisses. We looked at each other as we neared the station. I could see Claire starting to cry and she looked away, trying to hold back the tears. Once at the station, I said thanks to her mum for letting me stay and got out with Claire.

My train was at 4:50 and it was 4:40 so we only had 10 minutes before we had to say goodbye. I've never held her like I did on that platform. It was a need to stay with her. I didn't want to leave her.

The train came and I got on. I looked at her through the open window on the door. She came closer and we kissed a few times while we still could.

"I love you", she said."I love you", I replied.

The tears in her eyes became trickles down her face as the trai began to move away. "I'll always love you" she said and another tear fell from her eye. The train pulled away and I waved to her. I could still see her standing there even after the train was now in out of the station. I felt like I was going to cry again but didn't because I knew I was on a train and didn't want anyone to see me cry.

At Crewe I rang my mum.

"Hiya Mum"
"Hiya, where are you?"
"I'm at Crewe""Oh, what time did you leave Claire's?"
"4:50"
"How is she?"
"We've broken up"
At this point the tears began.
"Aww Neil, for good?", meaning a break or a break for good.
"Yeah"
The tears were strolling down my face now and my sniffs echoed around the station.
"It's no good me talking to you on the phone. You'll start crying and you've still got an hour on the train. You're in public. You don't wanna cry in public do you."
I felt like sayng I couldn't give a damn about where I was crying but I didn't. I justt sobbed down the phone.
"I'll see you when you get back ok? And we'll have a talk, ok?"
"Ok", still sniffing.
"Bye Neil"
"Bye"
And with that I began crying again as I hug up the phone.

I sat down on a nearby bench and cried, before going to the platform my train was going to be arriving on. I coul stop the tears no more now. I didn't want to. I didn't care if I was in public. My nose was getting blocked up so I went into the cafe toilets to get some tissue. I passed a woman and she looked at me, knowing that I was crying. The men's toilet were locked so I went in the girl's.

I sobbed and sobbed until my train came. I'm not pulling into Liverpool. I'm not crying right now but I know more tears have yet to be shed.

7:10pm

7:50pm

I'm now on the Kirkby train home after missing the previous one 30 minutes ago by less than a minute. I decided to go into Sainsburys and get lots of sweet things. I know it probably won't help me in anyway but I don't care.

7:52pm