Exactly how it was last year.
I feel terrible right now. I feel so bad. I don't have any thoughts in my head right now, just feelings. Nothing is making sense to me.
I rang Anna yesterday. We talked for about 10 minutes and i'm going to college tomorrow. One of the only reasons why i'm going is to get away from my mum, because she is really making me feel worse.
She really doesn't understand just how bad i'm feeling right now. She doesn't know that I want to take every pill in the house and fall asleep forever more. She doesn't see that I want to cry all the time. She doesn't see any of it. And because of that, she shouts at me for not doing something and I feel worse because of it.
It's too much for me when i'm feeling this bad. It's just too much to deal with.
I went to see James today. I told him about how I feel very depressed again, but the topic seemed to stay on how I wasn't attending college. By the end, I was almost in tears, telling him how I felt so bad right there and then. He walked me to the door and said goodbye. He said he'd call me on Friday to see how I was.
I got the train home, and considered walking home. When I got off the train, I began walking. It's about 40/50 minutes walk. While I was walking, I began thinking how maybe I should just leave home. Run away. Not go home. Ever. I'd just been the post office to get my money out, and already had money in my pocket, so I had near �200 on me. I could of so easily got back on that train and went to town and just found an alley to sleep in. The thought of running away is very appealing right now. To be rid of my home and be where and who I like at any time. I need to get out of this house.
I walked slowly, for around 20 minutes, just looking at my surroudings. Watching the cars go by. Looking at the trees, grass, birds. Anything to take my mind off how I was feeling. It didn't work though, and i'm still feeling depressed.
My mum has no sympathy for me I think. Her attitude towards me is evidence of this. She says I annoy her. I know I do, but it's not my fault. I can't help it.
I feel like packing all my things and going. Just leaving in the middle of the night, without any notice. I feel like starting a new life somewhere, beyond Liverpool. I want to leave Liverpool.
Of course, I want to be with Claire. I want to love her with all my heart and I do. I need her. She's the only thing I care about. It makes me so sad that I can't be with her when i'm feeling so depressed. She makes me feel better.
I'm very tempted to start cutting my arms again. I've resisted so far, and I will continue to do so, but I hope so much that this episode of depression will remove itself from me very soon, because I can't handle much more of it.
I feel the worst I have done in a year. It's killing me from the inside.
6:38pm
