I feel as bad as I did this time last year. I feel like cutting, dying, crying, not existing. I've been having constant suicidal thoughts all day. I just feel very very very bad today.
I woke up at 5:30am, with no intention of going to college today. My mum asked me why I didn't go at 11am, and I didn't really have an answer for her.
She wanted me to go shopping, and mow the garden, and I said that I would, even though even at that point, I didn't feel that good.
I went back to bed at 2pm. I said that I'd get up at 4pm, and go shopping then. I didn't. I woke up at 7pm, to the sound of Laura, wanting to go on the computer. I reluctantly got up, and went downstairs, to listen to my mum telling me how me going shopping never happened. Just what I needed.
An hour later, Claire rang, and I talked to her for a while, about how empty my life is and how I want to end it all. I really do want to end it. I am a failure. I fail people all the time. I fail me mostly.
I got a letter of Anna today (my Art teacher), saying that this is the last week to get things done for my exams. That made me feel extremely worse, because I know I have no chance to get the work done. I haven't been to college in over a month. I haven't done any work in that time. I feel like I've failed her. Me. Everyone.
I started to cry while I was talking to Claire. I know that i'm feeling very very bad if I can actually cry, because I can only do so when things are worse than normal.
I said goodbye to her. She said not to do anything stupid, which I won't, although everything inside me wants to. I went downstairs, to hear my mum moaning at me again for not going shopping.
I sat down, with my back to her. "Do you think you're fair, Neil", she said. I didn't answer, though. She asked me twice more, but still I didn't answer. "Well, you're not, even if you are ill", she said. "I don't know if you're just lazy, or ill, but I need to know which one it is. Most of the time though, I think you're just bone idle", she said. All of this was too much for me, and a few tears began rolling down my face, although she couldn't see them. I sat there for another 15 minutes, crying in silence, before coming to my room to write this entry.
Tomorrow, i'm going to ring Anna, and ask am I still welcome in her class, and if I am, then I'll go in and talk to her face to face.
To feel bad in the morning, then feel worse in the evening, and then to have my mum make it worse is truly not good for how i'm now feeling. I feel so bad right now, yet once again, I cannot cry. It was starting to feel good when those tears were rolling down my face, but I can't do it again. That only makes me feel worse.
I have an appointment on Wednesday with James and i'm very thankful that it's so soon, because I need to talk to him about how I feel really bad again. I need to tell him about my wants to hurt myself again. I need to talk to him about just how bad I am feeling.
I feel like falling asleep and never waking up. I feel like taking the rest of my Prozac tablets and hoping for the worst. I feel like not being here no more right now. I have failed me and everyone around me, and, if anyone close to me ever reads this, I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused you. I am sorry that I was never successful. I'm sorry that I was never what you wanted me to be. I'm sorry that I was a failure to you. I'm sorry I made you angry at me. I'm so sorry for all the hurt. I honestly didn't mean to be such a bad person. I didn't. As much as I tried to do well, it always went wrong and i'm sorry. I'm so so sorry to all of you.
The tears are strolling down my face as I write this now. Do you see how bad i'm feeling? Crying three times in one day is a very bad sign for me, and yet it feels so good to be doing so.
I'm sorry.
10:11pm
