I'm not as tired as her, though, so I tought I'd update my diary.
She has to go tomorrow at 3:30pm :(. I really don't want her to go. I'm really gonna miss her. My bed is gonna feel so empty. The house is going to. I'm gonna miss her laugh. She has God knows how many laughs.
Today, we haven't done anything really. We woke up around 9:30am, had something to eat and then hugged and kissed for a few hours.
Then we went back upstairs and I was tired so I got in bed, while Claire played Spider Solitaire. She is obsessed. She can play hundreds of games without ever getting bored.
Then she said she had a secret about me, and it was kind of bad and I started worrying and getting paranoid. I thought she had found something she really didn't like about me and wanted to break up with me or something. Then she said she was joking and she didn't really have a secret.
I felt really bad inside. Scared. Worried. I asked her for a hug, but she said in a minute, because she was playing on that game and that made me feel worse. Eventually she came over and hugged me. I was already crying everso slightly. "It scares me when you say things like that", I said to her and I could feel the tears welling up inside my eyes. She could see one or two falling from my eyes and she asked me if I was crying. I said yes, and she started crying too. It had opened up the gate to cry about everything I think, since I didn't stop crying for a good 15 minutes.
Even though she had said she was messing, part of me still felt really scared and I told her that. We held each other on the bed, both of us crying. "I'm just as insecure as you are sometimes", I said to her, because I really am.
Eventually, I stopped crying, although it was more forced than natural, since I could probably of cried for a lot longer about anything I could think of at the time.
I like crying. I feel a sense of relief after it. It feels nice to cry, but no nice to cry about something. I wanted to cry for a long time, but knew that I couldn't, so I finally stopped myself, went the bathroom and made myself look ok.
We went downstairs and I mowed the garden while she talked to my mum, before both of us had something to eat and then came back up. We hugged and kissed, trying to tell each other we loved each other a lot. I told her that I'd hate to lose her and I think i'm finally realising the extent of my love for her.
Claire has decided that she wants to watch lesbian porn on TV and that's what she's doing right now, heh.
I don't want her to go tomorrow, and I hope 3:30pm never comes.
1:27am
