Today, I was planning to wake up at 2pm, stay awake and then I'd feel tired at a reasonable time, therefore able to go asleep and feel fine for tomorrow, however, that didn't happen.
I stayed on the computer all night until around 7am. I then walked down my stairs, and looked out the window, only to find my mum being helped out of a cab by the driver. Last night she went out and didn't come back, so I assumed she'd gone to Kevin's (her boyfriend) because sometimes she does. I was very surprised to see her getting helped to the door by the cab driver.
I opened the door and then saw why she was being helped. She had a bandage around her ankle. It'd give on her again.
The driver helped her to the door and she said thanks to him. I saw him look at the scars on my arms with a freaked out look. I wasn't too bothered though.
I put the kettle on and made us both a drink before making sure she was ok and I went to bed. I set my alarm to wake me at 2pm. It was 8am when I went to bed, but around 9am until I actually got asleep.
The alarm woke me up, but I turned it off and went back to sleep. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to sleep. I re-woke up at around 5:30pm and got up.
Although I shouldn't really be tired, since I've only been up around 7 hours, I am, which is strange. It's also a good thing. It means I'll be able to get asleep.
After getting up I went online to see if Claire was on, but she wasn't so I just done what I usually do which consists of checking mail, checking diaries, checking MELONN for new posts, and then playing on either CounterStrike, DarkSpace or Tiberian Sun.
While checking the diaries I read CLAIRE'S. I didn't like what I read. It makes me worry a lot. It makes me feel helpless. I want to help her so much but I don't know how.
At 9pm, I decided to ring her and I talked to her for over an hour and a half. I talked to her about what she'd wrote in her diary and I told her that I wish I could help her somehow. She said she doesn't want me feeling helpless, but I can't help it. I care about her too much and love her too much to not worry about her.
After talking for a while, we changed the subject to something more positive; her coming up here on Saturday. I can't wait, neither can she.
We said goodbye at around 10:30pm and she sounded happier, but I still worry about her. She's the only thing that's ever on my mind and her problems are my problems too because I need to find a solution to them for her. She says I shouldn't worry, but how can I not? I just wish there was more I could do for her than love her.
On another negative note, I'm not looking forward to going into college tomorrow (if I go at all). I have no idea what i'm gonna say to Anna about being off all last week. "I was off because I was tired" just doesn't sound like a valid excuse does it? That's why I was off though. It's a serious problem. It's not because i'm lazy. It's not because I don't like college. It's because my body won't let me be there.
I'll have to word it perfectly in order to make her think that it's more than just feeling lazy. Of course, as I've said in a previous entry, I'll include the bit about going to see James Riley and him writing to my GP. She'll then proceed to give me the same lecture she always does. She's friendly about it though. It's not a moaning kind of lecture, more of an informal understanding (if that makes sense?). Either way, whether or not she likes it, it doesn't matter. It's the way things are for now.
As for the exam that I done the week before last...well, I think I'll have failed. I still have two weeks or so to get some prep work done, but I just don't have the right frame of mind to do it even if I were at college. My final piece wasn't all that good so I doubt it'll be getting the full 40% of the marks allowed for it. As for prep work...heh, what prep work. I've failed. I know I have.
I don't care though. Really, I don't care. It just doesn't matter to me.
Nothing does.
the only thing that matters to me is Claire. Everything else is just in the background somewhere. Happening without me. I like it like that. It doesn't bother me. Part of me feels comfortable not having anything. Part of me thinks that it's so much better to not have any friends, college, a job, a life. Just doesn't matter to me.
I've always had this 'pointless' attitude towards everything I do. I discuss it with James every time I'm there. His point of view is 'do something that's pointless, in order to do something that isn't'. It's a fair comment. However, there is nothing that I want to do after doing the pointless stuff, since everything is pointless. I still don't think i'm getting the point across to you/me in what I've wrote about this pointless thing.
Claire really likes my MBS diary. I do too. I like writing about all my fantasies.
Truth Reviews is still doing fairly well. It'll never be as popular as Diary Reviews, but I still have a nice little following of people. I have a backlog of 8 applications to do, of which, 4 or 5 of them were submitted last Monday. That's really bad for me. I used to be able to do any reviews I got within 24 hours but I get too many to do that now.
They'll just have to be patient. The truth takes time.
Sign THIS, THIS and THIS. You can also do THIS if you want.
So, a quick summary on my life as it stands right now:
I don't feel depressed currently.
I continue to feel like everything is pointless.
I am worried about Claire.
I will probably fail college.
1 good point, versus 3 bad...I can never win.
1:12am
