Yesterday was interesting. I went to where I see James, but I wasn't seeing him this time, I was seeing a woman called Jayne Merrick. She is a trainee psychologist (or something like that) and over the past year, she has been interviewing 75 people about what it is to be depressed.
I woke up at around 12:30, reluctant to get out of bed because I hadn't gone to bed until 5am the night before. My own fault I suppose. I couldn't sleep though.
My appointment was at 2pm and I got there on time, despite the fact that I felt like crap and I'd had nothing to eat so I was hungry as well.
I sat in the waiting room. 2pm went by, as did 2:15 and 2:30. I'm a patient person so I just thought she was a bit busy and continued to wait until 2:30. I then went to the reception and asked where she was. They rang her and she came and got me, where we went into the room where I usually see James.
She said that she had me down for 3pm, not 2 and apologised. I told her that James had told me 2pm, but I guess I'd got mixed up with the times. My fault.
She introduced herself and then explained what she wanted to do; three questionaires and a theorising task.
The questionaires were straightforward. They were all easy to answer. They ranged from "Have you ever tried to take your life", to "Do you see things that aren't there".
While I was doing them I felt very hungry, so much so that my stomach made it known to her as well and rumbled a lot. I felt embarrassed, but didn't say anything and tried to make as much noise as possible to cover the sounds up. It didn't work very well though.
The task was very interesting. It was a modified version of the game, 20 questions. In this version, I was presented with a situation, and three possible answers as to what caused that situation. The answers were:
A. Caused by you.
B. Caused by someone else
C. Caused by the surroundings
For example, one of the situations was:
"A friend insults you."
I then had to ask questions to which she could only answer yes or to. Questions like "Did I say something to them?" or "Had someone else said something to them?". Then, based on the yes/no responses given by her, I'd make up my mind as to what option it was.
She asked me 5 of these situational questions. I didn't use the 20 questions in any of them. Infact, I didn't use 10. There are no 'right' answers. It's more of how I view each situation personally.
After that, she then handed me a bunch of 50 cards with a word on each one. She asked me to read each word out. I thought this was very strange. I wasn't sure why she wanted me to do this and I forgot to ask.
I skimmed through most of the cards. At first, the words were things like "Choir", "Subtle". There were also some very hard ones. Words that I'd never heard of before and I had no idea how to pronounce them. I tried my best though.
I asked her what ones I got wrong but she said she couldn't tell me. I asked why and she said that if ever I had to take this test again, I'd know the right answers so I said ok. I did, however ask her to tell me how many I got right out of the 50. I got 40 right, which, apparantly is above average so I was happy about that. 10 wrong isn't too bad I suppose.
She thanked me for my time and I went home (and had something to eat!).
That was yesterday.
Today, my appointment with James was at 2pm. I woke up around 7am for some strange reason, but fell back asleep about 30 minutes later. I woke up again at 12pm, but drifted off to sleep now and again until 1pm. I quickly had something to drink/eat, brushed my teeth and went out. I had that little time that I actually forgot to shave as well.
These sessions with James are always interesting. A lot of questions are raised and now and again I get answers as well.
For most of the session (and previous ones lately too) I talked about how pointless things seem to me. Over the hour, we discussed why I thought this and we came to a conclusion: I want more than the norm, always.
I said about how nothing matters to me except Claire. He said that it's unwise to put all my eggs in one basket and of course he's right. I should have something else that means something to me, but I said I've yet to find that something else. He said that it is college and, although it may not feel like the high I get when i'm with Claire, it's still worth doing it because I enjoy the work.
A fair point.
To use this analegy: Claire is like a drug, as is the love for her. When i'm with her i'm happy, i'm high, but because nothing else is as good as being with Claire, everything seems worthless to me. It's always seemed pointless though. Nothing matters to me except love.
He said that I need to learn to accept that I won't be 'high' all the time. I know that though. Except, I can't put it into action.
We talked about friends and how I want them. He said that the people in college are friends, just not on a deep level that I might want. He said that they could still be friends, though. He also said that in reality (and he's right), most people only have 3-4 really close friends, and the rest are more superficial.
I asked him how many close friends he had. "Shall I tell you the truth Neil? I have none.", he said. I was kind of expecting him to say that actually. I don't know why.
"I'm not married, I live on my own", he said. He then was silent for a while. "Hmm", he said "You got me thinking about my life then", something that I was quite interested by. I'd made him think about the situation he was in. The situation that i'm in also. I just thought it was a bit ironic.
I'm back there in April.
After seeing him for an hour, I had said to my mum that I'd go shopping for her, since she can't due to her broken ankle. I think I should point out that this is only the second time I've actually done the shopping on my own. I felt good about doing it, because a year or so ago, I don't think I could of handled it.
I was going to get a cab from the hospital to the town centre, but, to save the money, I decided to get the train instead, which was due in a few minutes.
It had started to rain by the time I got out of there. Quite heavy rain. I love it. I like walking in the rain. At first, I lowered my head, so I wouldn't get as wet, but after a few minutes of walking, I lifted my head and let the rain splash on my face. It's a nice feeling. It's one of those small things in life that not everyone appreciates.
I got on the train and arrived back in Kirkby a few minutes later, when I continued to get soaked. From the station, I then got a cab (it was cheaper than if I were to get one straight from the hospital) to the town centre and then got all the shopping.
I have set foot in the town centre for literally months. It's not somewhere that I need to go. It was quite strange knowing of a place so near to where I live, yet not being there for months, when probably 99% of everyone else who lives in Kirkby goes there almost on a daily basis.
I only had to go in three shops and then I got a cab home with all the shopping. My hands were killing after I'd got it all. They still are a bit blistered as well. I wondered how my mum does it really.
So that was today. Right now, I feel very tired and could easily just get in bed but at the same time, I want to sit here and do stuff on the computer. I'll probably end up going to bed around 1am.
Back to Claire now and I can't wait to see her. It's so near now. I still can't believe she's coming here, to mine, to me. It's gonna be so nice.
A few people have told me the generic "careful, relationships are very fragile things" speech. The one about how it can easily go and don't let it get you down if it does. However, I don't think it'd end because either of us wanted it to. The only way it would be over would be if either of us found someone else, and since Claire is better than anyone I've remotely fancied, there is very little chance of me finding anyone else in the near (or even far) future.
I think the majority of teen relationships are the kind that the 'careful' speech talk about. Ours isn't one of those, though. It's deeper than two people who are just 'seeing each other', like most relatonships are like at my age. Most teenagers are, well, teenagers, whereas me and Claire are ahead of most of them in the fact that we are more mature in relationship terms. I think that's where we have a big advantage.
I think that's why we'll be together for a long time to come and that's certainly fine with me :).
10:21pm
