I let myself down today. I didn't go to college like I said I would. I feel very guilty for not going. I wanted to as well, because i'm dying to tell Jenny about Claire. I went to bed last night at about 2am, and tried to get asleep, but I couldn't. I tossed and turned all night until around 5:30am when I finally managed to get some sleep. I did have my alarm set for 7am, but I decided at that point that I wasn't gonna be awake enough to be going to college, so I switched it off, only to hear my mum shouting me at 9am and I said that I wasn't going in.
My sleeping patterns are so bad. I need to get into a routine again, but it's hard doing that. I am trying though. I don't have to be in college till 1pm tomorrow, so maybe that'll help me a bit in getting back into some sort of routine.
Anna rang my mum today as well, and aksed her why I'd been off and when I was coming back in college. She said she didn't know.
I don't know how i'm gonna be able to explain to Anna what kind of situation i'm in. I mean, I can't even explain it to myself that good. All I can do is hope that she understands, and also, I haven't fell behind with too much of my work. If I have, that means that I won't be able to pass my art exam, which means I'll basically be off the course, which also means that the next few years of my life would not be planned for, since I don't really have a plan B right now.
Having said that though, my mum did come up with an interesting idea that might well be my plan B. She was on about something like getting the disabled to work and finding permanent placements which pay better than the benefits that that person may be on. She talked to someone in the DSS and they sent me loads of leaflets on it all, but it was all rubbish! It was all useless information. I needed an application form, that's all, and that's the thing they didn't even include in the pack! Isn't that a bit silly?
So now, we need to ring up and ask if they'd send an application form out, which I have to fill in and then I get an appointment with someone who will apparantly build up a work profile and assess what i'm good at and what kind of job I'd like.
One problem that I might have is actually finding the time to do the job. I mean, college is every day, so I couldn't do it in the day. I couldn't do a weekend job either, because I see Claire of a weekend and nothing is gonna change that, so I guess it'd have to be after college, which I wouldn't mind.
Eventually, it might be a good idea to leave college altogether, if the money at the job was good enough. I mean that's what a qualification is for anyway no? To get a job to earn money? If I can get a job that I like doing and pays well then it might be a good idea to just do the job full time instead of college. I'd also meet new people and build up more social skills. I guess all of it depends on what kind of job it was though, and the hours/pay involved.
Laura's throat is weird. Is all swollen at the back. There's hardly any room at the back of her throat and she now sounds like a guy lol. She can't really open her mouth either, because it hurts her throat. She went the doctors today and she got antibiotics, but my mum wanted to get a doctor out tonight. Laura didn't want one though, so I guess she'll just have to hope it passes soon.
I was talking to Claire a few hours ago. I didn't know I could love her like I do. I didn't think I was capable of it, but now that I know I am, it feels horrible to miss her so much. It feels horrible to know that I only get to see her of a weekend. I wish I could see her more than that. I love being with her. Just being close to her and listen to her teling me she loves me. It makes me worry SO much about the thought of distance being a problem, and us breaking apart because of it. I don't want that to happen. I need her. I need her so much.
She gives purpose to my life. She is my someone to love. She injected new life into my head and heart and she's all I ever think about. To think that we might not see each other as much as we want to because of the distance, is such a worrying thought.
I hope it never comes to the point where we have to end it because we love each other so much that it hurts too much to be apart. I never want to be away from her. I'm so worried though that one day it'll come to that. Our love for each other is strong though and it's gonna take a lot to break us up.
Recently, I've been in the mood for making new websites. I've decided that I want to make a Diaryland template site, which is called Big Eye Designs, and I've also started work on a Diaryland review site. I'll give you the addresses some other time though, because neither of them are ready to accept applications yet.
I emptied my jacket last night to find batteries (I took them with me on Saturday as spare) and I found the CINEMA TICKET that I got when me and Claire went the pictures. I felt like taking a picture of it for sentimental value :).
I liked the look of the CRISP PACKETS I took on the way home on the train on Sunday, so I decided to recreate the effect better and took another picture of a CRISP PACKET.
I'm gonna try and go to bed earlier tonight, or at least try and make myself more tired than last night somehow. I've no idea how though.
Oh, hi Claire's friends :). Apparantly you read my diary so I shall say hi to you all :). Maybe I'll get to meet you soon.
And hi to you too Claire :). I love you lots xxx.
11:19pm
