More people should sign my GUESTBOOK, and more people should leave me NOTES (hint hint). Claire signed my guestbook with some very naughty comments...shame on you Claire ;).
I feel very guilty about not going to college today. I woke up at 7, and I felt awake and fine, but just didn't want to go. My mum shouted me to get up and I said that I was going in at lunchtime, but lunchtime came, and I never moved. My mum came in my room and asked why I wasn't going, and I said I didn't feel well, but I felt fine. I honestly don't know why I couldn't just drag my arse out of bed and go, especially since I wanted to. I wanted to hand in my STORY to my English teacher and see what he thought. I wanted to also see Jenny and tell her all about Sunday, but something made me not go.
I have to force myself in tomorrow, otherwise, Anna will ring and what am I supposed to say to her?
Actually, I think that when I do go in tomorrow, I'll apologise to her for not being in and that in the future, I'll try harder. I really like my course and I'd hate Anna to think I was taking advantage of her kindness by understanding what i'm going through. I do try. I honestly do. Sometimes though, the energy just isn't there and I really can't do what's required of me. It's half day tomorrow so maybe if I go in early, I can finish of my painting (that should of been finished on Monday) and maybe that will get me a little bit of credit because I'll be up to date with the rest of them all. I hope.
Even though my exams started this week, and even though I know I still have a lot of stuff to catch up with, my only thoughts are of Claire and being with her on Sunday. That's the only thought that runs through my head now. She is the most important thing to me.
I talked to her online this evening and told her that I worry about losing her because I find it hard to express my emotions. She said that she'd love me always. I smiled when I read that, but I still feel insecure that one day, someone better than me will come along and I won't have her no more. I'd hate that to happen, because she's so lovely and I like her being mine.
I said to her that she had to write up her version of Sunday in her own DIARY because it was lazy of her to just link back to me hehe so that's what she done and once I'd read her version I smiled at the things she'd said. It felt strange that I was reading about this really nice day she'd had and yet I was there too and had exactly the same lovely day as her. It's strange to read about me in her diary because she says so many nice things about me and it's really really nice. She makes me smile. She makes me feel more real. No one has done that for me.
I hope I get to visit her again soon. I'd love to say tha I was going to visit her this weekend, but I don't think I will be, because I don't have the train fare to get there. It's terrible isn't it? We love each other and the only thing that's stopping us from being together is money. Money brings us together, yet lack of it keeps us apart. It's sad :(.
This lack of money thing has to change and soon. Drastic changes are on the horizon I think. Changes once again for the better. I was right when I predicted change for me the first time around and I hope that I'm right this time too. I intend to see Claire more than once every few weeks. I can't live without her for that long. I just can't. I need to be close to her more often than that. I'm gonna find money from somewhere. I have to.
I work good under pressure and I intend to find a solution to this problem. What that solution is, I'm not sure yet.
11:33pm
I told my mum that I had an appointment with my psychologist soon. I said to her that I thought it was either the 26th or 28th. She said that there was an appointment card in the drawer so I had a look and it's tomorrow! So, I guess I won't be going into college afterall.
I really want to see James Riley (that's the pychologist's name) this month. A lot has happened. When I've been to see him in the past, I've gone there without anything really on my mind and when I come out, I leave with more questions rahter than answers, so this time, I'm gonna take a few notes with me. I can express myself much better on paper than I can with speech. I'm gonna look through my diary over the month of December and January and pick out all of the important parts and then print them off and show them to him so he has an idea of what's been happening in my life over the past month. I think that way, he'll have a much better understanding, than if I were to just go in and tell him.
No doubt Anna will ring tomorrow because I won't be in. At least I'll have a good excuse though as to why i'm not.
12:44am
