I woke up at 5am. I was going to get up and get a drink, but instead, I fell back asleep, but only until 6am, and then I stayed awake because I couldn't get back to sleep. I got up around 6:30am, and sat at the computer. I made a CD with Lifehouse, Staind and Vertical Horizon on it to take with me for something to listen to on the bus.
Got ready and got out the house at 8:20am and walked for the bus. I didn't have a bus pass, so I had to pay �1.50, which is way too dear I think. I put my headphones in and listened to some Lifehouse.
I was feeling quite ok on the bus. Listening to good music, happy that I was seeing Kirsty today etc. It didn't feel like a drag to get up and go. I was happy about that.
I got into class, but no one was there and I had to wait until 9:10am, until anyone showed. At first, I thought I wasn't supposed to be in, but then someone came in and sat down so I was relieved. Catherine came in, along with some others, and after a while, so did Jenny, who I said hi to. I didn't say anything to Catherine. A while after, Kirsty came in and her hair looked very different. She'd dyed it blonde, with green/blue/red streaks at the ends and bunches at the back. She'd also shaved the back of her head. It looks weird. It looks like she's done it for attention, and it's what she's getting. I guess it worked.
After a while, Anna and Barbara came in and they told us to move in closer because they wanted to talk to us. they said that they wanted to move the desks around so that we were sat in twos instead of larger groups. Basically it's because most of them talk more than they work. They said choose who you wanted to sit next to and I wasn't bothered really. Barbara came over to our table and asked who was sitting next to who. People chose others and Barbara suggested that I sit next to Catherine. I immediatly said no. I made it out that I'd rather sit on my own, but I think Barbara realised I didn't want to sit by Catherine and said that I should sit with Kirsty instead, which I was relieved about.
We rearranged all the desks and me and Kirsty ended up sitting next to each other, with a board in front of us, and one behind, so that we have a kind of cubicle with three walls.
12pm came, and everyone went for lunch. Except me. I wasn't hungry, and I didn't want to move, so I stayed in the classroom on my own. I continued with the project we were doing, which was drawing some still life, which was bones and fruit and veg and stuff. Do you have any idea how tedious it is drawing something you don't like?
One of Kirsty's friends came over to talk to her. Kirsty began telling her about how she'd went to the Krazy House with a guy named Dean. Apparantly, she really liked him, but he hadn't touched a girl for 2 years and he was very shy. Dean said that Kirsty could stay in his so she did. She said that they ended up next to each other on the floor hugging, Kirsty with her back to him. She said that she wanted to kiss him, but wasn't sure about it and then she just decided to turn around and kiss him on the lips and he reciprocated. Have you any idea how much it hurts to listen to what she is saying, when that is exactly what I want from someone. What I've wanted for a very long time and yet, still not found. It hurts to hear someone talk about how they've been with someone like that. It hurts a lot.
That put me in a very depressed mood for the afternoon. Very very depressed. I ended up staring into space. Anna caught me and asked if everything was ok. I said no, not really, and she asked what was up and did I have a nice Christmas. I said I didn't like Christmas, and she said neither did she. I went back to staring into space.
Half an hour passed, and Barbara came over. I was carrying on with my work. "Barbara, give Neil a hug. Now there's a boy who needs a hug if ever I saw one", Anna said. Barabara came over and she hugged me. This might sound very stupid, but when she hugged me it opened me up for just a second. I felt my mind and my heart open for a brief moment while she had her arms around me and for that moment, I was full of both negative and positive emotions and I could see them all. She let go, and the moment was gone. I reverted back to feeling very depressed and had a stupid drawing to finish.
4pm came and finally we went home. I walked out of class with my head down and in front of Kirsty, Catherine and Lee. On the way out, Kirsty called me and I stopped. She asked me if I was ok, and I said no. She caught up with me and started walking with me. She linked my arm and asked me what was up. I just said I didn't know. We continued walking until we reached the college gates, where we waited for her mum to pick her up. Her mum came after a while and Kirsty hugged me, and kissed me on the cheek. I walked up to the village to catch the bus and went home.
I got in bed at 5pm. I was very tired. I only slept till 8pm though, because I wanted to watch Star Trek: Enterprise, which I did.
It's 11:40pm now, and I still feel like the world could end and I wouldn't care. Right now, and for the past week or two, it's been like this. I can feel myself falling. I've had an idea, though. I'm putting myself back on Prozac. I took myself off it around September/October because I thought I didn't need it no more, as I was feeling much better, now that I had started college. A few months on, and I see that is not the case at all, so i'm putting myself on it again. My doctor probably still thinks i'm still on it, so it's no use going back to him to ask if I can go back on it, because he'll just say yes. So it's back on 20mg as of now.
College again tomorrow. Just another day until something changes.
11:47pm
