The day before yesterday, I wasn't feeling good at all, and it really showed as well, to both my mum and Laura. I think it's my voice more than anything. It become very low, and drawn out. It's an effort for me to even speak to people. I just didn't feel like it. My mum asked what was up and I just said that I was fed up being this way. Not a lot she can do though.
Today and yesterday, I've thankfully not been as bad. I've at least been able to be awake without wanting to go back to sleep. Still, what kind of life is that? It isn't a life. I'm just alive. I'm not actually living. Some time soon, things are going to change dramatically. I can feel it inside myself. Something about me is going to change and I think it will be for the better, although it will be so dramatically different, that it'll be terrifying.
The reason I think this, is because of the fact that the days seem to be passing way too quickly lately, and before I know it, I'll be 40, alone, and still writing in this diary that i'm alone and depressed as ever and that cannot happen. It can't happen. I don't even think I could make it to 40 feeling like this. Something has to change.
I don't know when and I don't know how. All I know is that it has to change sooner rather than later, before this life gets too much for me to take and I decide to end it, because lately, I know that there is more chance of me doing that. Moreso than ever. All these feelings of depression are mounting up and there's only so much room left inside my head until breaking point, and there's two ways it can go if/when it reaches that point.
The first, is that I see how shit my life is and suddenly become unshy, and a great person to talk to. Couple this with the fact that i'm intelligent, and caring already and maybe I'd find a girlfriend, along with friends. Obviously this is my preferred option.
Secondly, however, is the alternative to the above. My mind gets to breaking point and I can't find any energy left to go on, so I go past the breaking point and go deeper down into the bottomless hole. Some people say there's only so far you go. Well, if that's true, then there's a whole lot of falling I can do, and there's a chance I might do it, if something doesn't change soon.
Thirdly, is that it's so much, that I decide to end it altogether, and see suicide as the only option. Drastic, but the option has presented itself to me.
I'm not scared of death. I'm scared of living.
3:59am
