Kirsty is apparantly going to have a New Years Eve Party (can you guess when?), in her flat that she owns with Paul (the guy with the funny mouth). There will be three D's: Drugs, drinking and dancing. None of which I particularly like. I can just imagine 20 people with a bottle in one hand and a spliff in the other, while dancing to Manson or someone like that, and then me sitting somewhere in the corner wondering why I'm there in the first place since I'm not letting go and just having fun, and I'd end up wanting to go home after an hour.
The only advantages of going that I can think of, would be I might get to see some nice girls there, and it's gotta be better than sitting in my room on my own hearing the fireworks go off outside at midnight. The disadvantages are above.
So, do I go and be uncomfortable, or do I stay here and be alone? Great choice.
I really have a problem just socialising. I can't relax and have a laugh with people. I'm always on guard, taking everything personally and at the first sign of something strange, I'll become even quieter than I already am. I know this is a really big problem, but no one else understands how it is, because they've not had that problem. I've been away from social situations most of my life. In those terms, I'm only around 9 years old, and need to catch up on 8 years of socialising.
I've never been someone who likes being the centre of attention. I've never been someone who'll start the conversation off, and I have REAL trouble keeping a conversation going. If nobody talks to me, and asks me things, then 90% of the time, I'll retire into my own mind and nothing else will be said and that's the way it's always been because I've never had the chance to socialise enough. You have no idea how frustrating it is wanting to join in, but not knowing how to, and I know that if I don't learn how to then I am going to be a very difficult person to communicate with, which will result in people not wanting to try, which will result in me being lonely...which I already am.
Such a happy Christmas.
10:42pm
