Woke up at around 6:20am, and tried to go back asleep for another precious 40 minutes, but couldn't do so, so I got up at 6:50 and got ready for college. I like winter, always have. I like the chill in the air. One thing that I don't like, though, is the fact that it's still dark outside when I wake up and for an hour. It's very disorientating. It makes me want to go back to bed. I'll keep looking out the window to see if it's any lighter yet and strangely, the lighter it gets, the more ready I am to walk out the door.
I decided that I'd take Laura's MP3/CD Player with me for something to listen to on the bus and in college. Obviously I took Rammstein :).
The fog outside was really bad. You couldn't see further than a few metres in front of you and it was very very cold, especially when all you have on under a leather jacket is a thin long sleeved t-shirt.
When I got to college, Jenny was surprised to see me and we talked for a while.
I went in a gay chat room on Sunday and someone who knew Catherine happened to be in there, but I didn't tell him that I was me. I just said that I knew her. Jenny was talking to me this morning and said that Catherine had been telling everyone that I was bisexual, which didn't really bother me, but later that day Kirsty got me to one side and told me that catherine had said that she had been talking to me online the night before and I'd said that if I couldn't get with Kirsty then I might as well be with a guy.
When Kirsty told me this, I felt very angry at Catherine. What right does she have to go around spreading things about me? Thankfully, Kirsty knew that what Catherine had said wasn't true.
I am really pissed off at Catherine for doing this. I hate her. I really do. I wish she'd leave the course because it would be so much better if she did. It'd give us all some peace and quiet. She's loud. She's annoying. She's everything you don't want in a friend. Friends don't spread rumours about someone. I really dislike her.
The day in general was bad. Although I was supposed to have had English in the morning, Steve (the tutor) didn't turn up because he'd broken down somewhere, so Barbara said to carry on our work, but we just sat around talking.
After dinner, it went downhill more, because everyone was just feeling in a bit of a mood for some reason and I was too. I didn't really have anything to do that was of importance at that particular moment, so I just tried to stretch out what I did have to do as much as possible to make the time pass.
Kirsty was feeling in a mood too. She didn't feel like doing any work and Anna was also in a bit of a mood (although she said she wasn't), so these two didn't mix very well. Kirsty didn't really help matters by answering back to Anna, each time Anna tried to help her out, but then the entire class is that way. Anna lost her temper in the end with her and shouted at her. I felt sorry for Kirsty, but also for Anna, because she has to put up with 15+ people a day shouting her name every 30 seconds.
At the end of the day, as we were walking out the classroom, Anna asked Kirsty if she could have a word with her and Kirsty said no and walked out. Anna went after her and told her to stop. Anna talked to her for a few minutes outside the studio, while me, Jenny and Catherine waited in the corridoor for her. When Anna had finished talking, Kirsty came over to us and it looked like she was about to cry. I felt like offering a hug, but for some reason, even if I want to show affection, something stops me from doing so.
She walked in front of Catherine and Jenny, and I walked behind them, but then caught up to Kirsty a bit further on while we were walking down the street to catch our buses. We walked in silence for the most part. Even though I wanted to say something to her, I didn't know what words would make her feel better. I wanted to comfort her, but I don't know how to do it. Thankfully, she broke the thick ice and asked me what time my bus was and I told her, and ask her the same question to try and get some conversation going and it worked.
At this point Jenny and Catherine had seperated a fair bit from me and Kirsty. Kirsty asked me how far back they were and they were about 20 metres away. We began talking about Catherine, and how she is the source of all our problems. Kirsty was saying how she's fed up of her talking all the while, and that's one of the reasons why she was feeling depressed today. One of the reasons I was feeling depressed also. I don't mind being there for Kirsty if she needs someone to talk to, or rather someone to agree with her about Catherine. I could say that I do it because I like her as more than a friend and this is how I show my affection - by being there for someone to talk to, but really, I think it's just because she's a good friend.
A bit further on, Catherine and Jenny went another way to me and Kirsty. She got onto the subject of how Catherine never returns any of her things and although Kirsty tries to make her look nice, Catherine always ruins it. She also got onto people fancying her. She said that she doesn't mind if people fancy her but she hates it when people say things just to try and get with her and then she said "no offense, seeing as you're standing there", so that's confirmation that she does know I fancy her, and that she doesn't return it, but as I've said, that's fine with me, because I've still got her as a mate.
We got the bus stops and I hugged her goodbye when her bus came. I smiled and waved as the bus left.
I have a psychologist's appointment tomorrow. I don't know why I bother to go and see him really and I don't know why I bothered to go see him in the first place either because he hasn't actually done anything to help I don't think. Really, I just like going to see him because he's nice to talk to on an intellectual level about anything and I like trying to prove that he's wrong about one thing or another and sometimes I do actually suceed in doing so.
I think he'll be surprised when he sees my new appearance now. I hope he'll take it as a sign that I've quite literally changed, and also mentally as well I think, although I've still got a lot of my 'old ways'. One key issue that I intend to bring up, as I have done in the past is the fact that I'm still single, and I still want someone to love. He's offered some advice on this, but nothing that I've really followed up because I don't know how to.
I did say to Kirsty just before she was getting on the bus that I'd be in college tomorrow, but I forgot all bout my appointment with James Riley. Anna will no doubt think that I have very bad motivation when it comes to coming into college, but in all honesty, when i'm off, it's for good reason, ie, i'm dying of flu, or I have an important appointment somewhere. It's just a shame that all of these events seem to be bunched together so it looks like i'm off more maybe than I really am. I will try to improve my attendance though. I'll have to, because I really need to catch up on a LOT of work, which has to be in on Monday. I have to complete ELEVEN projects by Monday somehow. God knows how i'm gonna be able to manage that. I probably won't. I'm hoping that I'll be able to do around 5 at least. They don't sound too hard to complete, I mean they're only a few sketches. Maybe an hour for each one, so if I used Sunday as my catch up day all day i'm sure I could get most of it done. I hope anyway, otherwise i'm gonna have some serious answering to do when my assement arrives on Monday.
I blame it all on the fog.
3:06am
