Jenny welcomed me back and said she'd missed me. I don't know why, though. I mean whether i'm there or not, I don't add anything to the atmosphere. Well, I don't think so anyway.
I gave Catherine her poster which she liked and I gave Kirsty hers. She liked hers also. I told Jenny that they didn't have her phone cover, and she changed her mind and said that she wanted an Eminem calendar, which should be easy to find.
English was as dull as ever. We spent the first half writing a short piece on a painting. He wanted me to do a piece of descriptive writing, ie, what's in the picture, but instead, I did more than that and went into detail about what the artist wanted to get across. I didn't understand what he wanted me to write, so I just wrote that. When he'd read it, he said that wasn't what he wanted me to do, but he knew that I could do it and that my piece of work was fine.
He commented on how it's nice to see how I use words such as 'suggested', 'portrayed' and 'metaphor'. This only proves to me that the group i'm in is definitly not the group that I should be in. I mean if he's commenting on words that are in every day use, then I'd hate to read what others wrote. I talked to him about how I'd like to go in the other class, but he said I couldn't, because I'd joined too late. So i'm stuck in this class now.
I also asked him could I do something harder than what the rest were doing. He said he didn't have anything, though. So, although my knowledge of the English language is fine, I have to put up with a class that's far below me. I don't have anything against the rest of them learning, just that I know I can do much more than they can and i'm not being allowed to which is very frustrating for me.
Apparantly next week we're doing an essay on Macbeth...it goes from bad to worse!
Oh yeah, one other thing he commented on was the fact it was nice to see someone getting on with their work and not messing about. To me, getting on with my work is normal. To them, getting on with their work is something new to them, which they have yet to accomplish.
We finished English at 11:45 and me, Kirsty, Catherine and Jenny went for dinner. I was the only one who got something to eat. Don't know why.
When we do go for dinner, it hits me how good it is to have them as friends. The way we talk and mess with each other while we're walking the village or walking back. It's just nice to have 3 friends who like me and me like them back.
A down point on this is of course the fact that Kirsty and Catherine do drugs. What sort of drugs, I don't know and I don't really want to know either. When they talk about what they're going to get at the weekend, I feel like giving them a lecture about how they shouldn't take them...but what good would it do. None. So I just keep quiet if that subject arises.
Walking back from the village (by the way, the village is basically just a town centre where all the college students go for dinner) me and Kirsty were messing around with each other. Playfully hitting each other. Chasing one another. It made me think. Is this a sign of affection on her part, or is it a sign of friendliness? Obviously it's a sign of affection on my part, but i'm still not sure about her.
Another example of possible affection from her, is when we were nearing college. I was walking in front of them (the path isn't big enough for 4 people to walk side by side lol) and I heard Catherine say "I dare you". The next thing, Kirsty comes up behind me and pinches my arse lol. Now, was that done because she was dared to and nothing else, or is it because she herself wanted to? I choose the first option and the second option is just wishful thinking I think.
They then kept commenting on how I had a nice arse lol. It's hard to tell whether they're just joking, or they're actually being serious! It's quite scary. I think I'll walk behind them from now on.
In the afternoon, Kirsty surprised me by asking how my arms were. I said they were fine. She asked had they all healed up now and I said that I'd always have scars. She then asked if I'd done any more, to which I replied no. I found this really surprising. I dunno, it's just that self harm hasn't been something on my mind for weeks now. Someone mentions it and my mind goes back to wanting to do it, and the stupid part, is that part of me wants to do it because she commented on it and she'd want to see the cut if I did do it, ie, cutting would be a form of attention seeking. This is not something that i'm going to get in the habit of doing. Because it's been suggested (not suggested as in 'hey Neil, why don't you cut yourself?') to me in the form of a comment about my arms, it makes me think of doing it. I will NOT start cutting again. I WILL NOT.
Jenny went an hour early. She had to go the bank. Me, Kirsty and Catherine got out at 4, and they both wanted to go the station, so I said goodbye to them outside college. They asked was I coming with them as they were walking off, but I said no. What I found nice, was the fact that Kirsty walked back over to me to hug me, and then Catherine copied.
See, that's the thing with Kirsty. She's a hugging person. I can't help but think that she's hugging me because she likes me as more than a friend though, because no one has ever hugged me like, every day so it's a bit overwhelming really and it's making me really confused. It's not even her fault. It's mine. Sometimes though, there's too much evidence to point towards the fact that she does like me as more than a friend, and then there's enough evidence to suggest that she doesn't. It's very confusing.
Although I really do like Kirsty, my thoughts of going out with her are fading slowly, because of the fact that she's into two of the things I cannot stand most, ie, drugs and smoking. Another thing is that she goes out with more than one person. Which I cannot stand either. So, although I may really like her and everytime i'm near her I just want to hug her and kiss her, I don't think that a relationship with her would be a very wise thing to do, even if she did like me. But then, would I really say no? I doubt it.
5:21am
