Natalie has an interview for a part time job at the Abbey National on Thursday. If she gets it she'll be working 4 hours a day, Monday through to Saturday.
This is worrying me a lot. A LOT.
If she's working all week, that means that I won't get to visit her no more because she'll be in work. This is really scaring me because the thought of not being able to see her anymore is not a nice one at all. I really look forward to going to see her. To not have that to look forward to no more is just very scary.
This week may well be the last time I get to see her face to face for a long time and it's made me feel very horrible inside knowing that.
I'm glad that she has the oppurtunity to get the job. To be able to earn money and to be out of the house for a few hours a day...but part of me doesn't want her to get the job because then everything will stay the same. I don't like things changing. No one does. I like things staying the same and knowing what's going to happen. I don't like surprises. They scare me. And this one is just about the biggest and scariest surprise I can have.
I really hope that there's a way we can work round it somehow, so that I can still see her now and again. Right now though, I can't see a way.
Tomorrow, I finally go and see her for what may well be the last time in a while and i'm looking forward to it a lot. When it comes to leaving hers this time around, I now it's gonna be hard for me. Really hard. Yet there's nothing either of us can do, and you have no idea how much I wish there was.
We'll still talk online of course, but that's just not the same as talking to someone face to face is it.
So, although i'm excited about seeing her again tomorrow, i'm also very worried about what will happen on Thursday.
*sigh*
I'm hoping that tomorrow, my glasses will be ready to be picked up at the opticians, since I don't like the thought of going to Scotland without them. I might end up getting on the wrong train or something. I can't see further than a metre without them so it's gonna be a very blurred journey up to Scotland without them. My mum said that if they aren't ready by tomorrow, that she'd send them up to Natalie's once they are ready, so at least I'd have them while i'm there and coming back as well.
Tonight really hasn't been a good night for me.
Firstly, there's all of the above, secondly I had to sort out some stupid problem with FTP which requires a restart, which I HATE doing, since it takes so long, and thirdly, I need my cousin to come and take a look at my computer and he can't come up for FIVE WEEKS, leaving me with a computer that freezes at least 3 times daily for at least another month.
Tonight really hasn't been a good night for me.
11:13pm
1:15am
For the first time in quite some time now, I have cut my arms. They're not severe cuts, but they did bleed a fair bit. I went into the bathroom to clean my arm up. Once I was finished in there I made sure that the sink was clean, so my mum wouldn't know I had been cutting, but I must of left some or something because she asked me had I been cutting right after she went in the bathroom. She asked me was it bad and I said no (which they aren't) and she asked me did I need a bandage. Again, I said no. She sigh and returned to the bathroom to get a wash.
Right now i'm feeling totally horrible. I need to be held by someone. Someone to be there for me. Tell me it's ok. I wish for so much, yet none of my wishes ever come true.
This will be the last entry until I come back from Nat's. The business venture me and Liam are in will also have to wait till I get back. I don't know how long I'll be gone, but it'll probably be sometime next week when i'm back.
Feeling totally horrible and in pain, both pysichal and emotional.
1:25am
