12:14pm - Saturday
It's now 12:14am and I�m not tired at all really. The journey from Liverpool was fine as well, which I was very surprised about. I thought I'd feel sick. Actually, it was a good journey. I connected my speaker to my MP3 CD player and turned it up loud so that the minibus could hear it. Thankfully, since it's an MP3 player, it holds over 100 songs, and also, there was something that everyone liked.
We made a fire at around 10pm, which was cool (I'm a pyromaniac at heart). Unfortunately it kept going out too easily, so eventually we left it.
As for the individual people, there is: Sasha, Jay, John, Ste, Beth and Tracy. All of them are really nice (thankfully!)
While we were sitting round the fire, John asked me about my arms. He asked why I do it and I gave him an honest answer; "I don't know". Thankfully the conversation quickly got off the subject.
Overall, today has been fine. I thought it might have been worse. Going away with strangers...something I've not done before.
I got in bed at around 11pm. One of the earliest times I've ever got in bed! I thought I might have been cold in the night, but actually, the sleeping bag was nice and warm. I did wake up a few times, though, but I got back to sleep quickly.
7:19pm - Sunday
I woke up at around 7:45am this morning, knowing exactly what was to come today - Horse riding and MOUNTAIN CLIMBING!!! I set my alarm for 8am and actually got up at about 8:15. Since I hadn't had much to eat last night (I only had some Spaghetti, cos I didn't like anything else), I was really hungry. We ended up having a proper English breakfast, comprising of sausages bacon and eggs. I ate LOADS.I wouldn't be surprised if everyone was a bit surprised at me lol.
At about 10am, we went to the ranch, where we were to ride horses. As soon as we got there, I saw this GORGEOUS girl. About 18/19 years old, blond hair, brown eyes, slender, nice lips, lovely face. Lovely. I couldn't stop looking at her. When we were in the stables, waiting for our horses, I was hoping that she' be on the ride as well...turns out, she was! She was an experienced horse rider as well, which means, that well, erm, she was *coughs* firm in all the right places shall we say hehe. I've never been on a horse before. It was scary at first, but after I got used to being so high off the ground (and moving!), it was good, although when we were in the pen, they didn't exactly respond to any of the commands being given to them. Infact, none of the horses did really.
The actual trail itself was huge and long. IT took around an hour to get to the top.... and the top, was the mountain! It was weird being on top of a mountain and also on top of a horse. At the top, it was such a cool view. And SO quiet. Infact, the only sound that as coming from anywhere, was from the people talking and also the horses making occasional grunt from the horses. Oh by the way, my horses name was Rocky :). We stopped at the top to allow the horses to have something to eat and also to have a shit lol. I took the chance to take a look at the view, and also to take some pictures of the horses, and the view. I can't believe I actually got to ride a horse for one, and also, get to go up a mountain on one. The only things that were bad, were the fact that a) the horses kept shitting on the way there and back, and lo the fact that no matter how much I tired to make mine go faster, it just wouldn't move any faster! Apparently they're trained not to respond to any commands given by people other than the instructors. Which is a bit boring, since all the horses really done, was follow the horse in front of them.
Overall though, the horse riding was great!
After the horse riding, we went back to the cabin, where some of us had lunch. I didn't, though. I mean I never get hungry really. I have a really bad appetite.
After we'd all had a rest and had something to eat, we went to the thing I've been dreading the most...the mountain climbing! I've been thinking about it all week and the closer it came to actually doing it the more I was terrified. We all got in the minibus, and set off for the mountain (Cader Idrs it's name was btw...stupid Welsh names!). IT WAS HUGE!..
It took about 15 minutes to get the start of the mountain.. And then we began...and oh what a PAINFUL journey it was! At first it's just a nice level path. You cross two bridges (noticing the river running under it btw, and the sound of it...which was lovely). Then it got a little bit steeper but I wasn't too disheartened because I was really determined to climb this (2100 Feet) mountain. We got to a gate and I looked ahead. It was steps and steps...and steps...all going up very steeply. It was like living a nightmare. I sigh, and opened the gate. I started making my way up the steps. But, the further I walked up this mountain...the more I was not only getting out of breath, but also my legs were beginning to ache. I took a short rest, and continued on for a bit longer, but I starting having rests more and more the further we got up the mountain. Eventually I was VERY out of breath and my legs were killing me. Jay sat down with me and rested with me while I caught my breath. By this point I was really ready for quitting and I told Jay this and he told Sasha. Jay said that he'd go back the minibus with me and we'd wait for them...for two and a half hours. I really didn�t want to do this, because I felt bad on Jay for one (having to forfeit his journey up the mountain) and also disappointed in my own body, because I really thought I could make it up further.
I rested for around 10 minutes, thinking everything over, "I'm not gonna do this", "I thought I'd do better", "I'm letting myself down", and then I started to think "I can do this", "I have to climb this", "I have to take pictures at the top of a mountain"...and guess what...I DID! I had to take loads of stops on the way, but like the tortoise and the hare, the tortoise did eventually get there, and so id I.
There was a lot of "Are you ok Neil?" and "Take it slow and easy", which I was glad of because at least it showed they care about my welfare. I carried on and on and eventually Jay and me caught up to the rest o the group and I actually took over them on my own at one point! I felt really empowered that I'd overcome my weakness at the bottom of the bottom, and now I was going strong and making good ground. It was such a great feeling.
We all took at rest at a clearing, to eat and drink and then carried on. Not before I took a picture of everyone of course. At this point I was feeling so much different and I was ahead of the whole group for around 15 minutes. Climbing rocks and traversing different structures...not to mention avoiding the sheep shit!
We climb some more for about 30 minutes, and we came to a lovely lake. It was so nice to be away from anything town-like. John and Ste tried to swim in it, but the water was freezing. Really ice cold. So they only put their feet in.
John (who I was amazed at because he RAN up the mountain!) wanted to go further up, but everyone else wanted to go back down, besides it was going to rain soon. So eventually, we went back down. Sine I was eager to get off the bloody mountain, I started on ahead of them...and went the wrong way. Thankfully, Jay spotted me and pointed me in the right direction.
I was getting really confident now. Nothing what I was like when I first started. I started coming down the mountain quite fast...and then, my ankle gave in. I lost my balance and began coming down a rocky path very quickly. I tried to steady myself but it was no use. I tripped, slid, and ended up in a pile of SHEEP SHIT!
My ankle was really hurting at this point and I was regretting being confident. I got up quickly, incase one of the others saw me, and kept going. I was limping at this point, and I stunk of shit. Not only that, but I'd also ripped my (new!) trousers, which were �40.
Eventually, I let the others catch up with me, and told them what had happened. I decided to tae it more cautiously and walked slower looking at each of my steps. We came back to the forest part, and it was nice to be out of the mountains. The stream we passed on the way up there and on the way back was lovely.
All in all I twisted my ankle 7 times, and it was so painful. Eventually, the end was in sight and I was very relieved to finally be off this mountain. Strangely, aside from my ankle, nowhere was hurting really, but I knew this is what would happen.
We all got back in the minibus and drove back to the cabin. Everyone was knackered. It took around 6 hours for us to get up the mountain and back, though it felt like it went on forever. It was just step after step. Quite literally an uphill struggle.
When we got back, I felt like sleeping, and decided to get on my bed and rest. I didn�t actually sleep, but I did manage to at least rest my foot, along with the rest of me.
I was amazed at myself for climbing a mountain. I�ve never done anything like that before. The most strenuous thing I do of a day is climb the stairs. I consider it a really big achievement to have been able to get to the top of the mountain with everyone else, because I really didn�t think that I could do it, especially when I considered turning back.
That was the end of the activities for the day. We ate, and just rested basically. We watched TV till about 11pm and then Beth, Tracy and John went to bed. Leaving me, Sasha, Ste and Tony to watch TV. I wasn�t really watching anything. I was just trying to keep up to date in my diary (which I haven�t managed to do). Sasha commented on how fast I type. To me, it�s normal now. Just something I�ve learnt to do over the years I�ve had a PC. I was slightly interested in the film so as I was typing I was watching the film as well. Sasha looked over to see me typing, yet looking at the TV as well and was surprised I could do both at the same time. I stopped typing around midnight and went to bed, sore, aching and tired. I had trouble actually climbing up onto the bunk bed because my legs were hurting so much. I was shaking from the sheer pain of them as well as being cold. I fell asleep with my clothes on, only to wake up about an hour later and I needed to go the toilet. I really didn�t want to move because it hurt every time. Eventually, though, I had to give in to my bladder and I made my way down the bunk bed very slowly, and into the toilet. My legs felt like they were on fire all the time. Then I had the task of getting back on the bed, which wasn�t so hard, but I felt the after effects almost straight away. I got undressed, slid into the sleeping bag and went to sleep.
Monday
Around 5am, I woke up to a very high-pitched squealing sound. It carried on and on. It woke everyone up in the boy�s dorm, and I heard people moving about in the girl�s as well.
Sasha came into our room and asked what the noise was. None of us knew. Jay, Tony, John and Sasha looked about to see what the noise was and eventually found the problem � a fan in the toilet. Ste had turned a light on or something and the fan had come on as well, making a terrible noise that woke everyone up. Once the noise had been sorted out, we finally all went back asleep.
But not for long.
I woke up to the sound of people moving about again. It was time to get up, at 8am! I really didn�t feel like getting up. Not only was I tired and aching all over still, but I just didn�t feel in the mood to be abseiling and mining. I felt really bad.
Reluctantly I got up around 8:15am, and made m way to the kitchen and had some cereal. I explained to Sasha that I was still aching, and carried on eating, then went back into the �living room� (It wasn�t a living room really, just a place where everyone kind of convened). I felt like shit really. I just sat there and looked at the floor. Again, I explained to Sasha that I didn�t feel that good and that I was tired and not feeling good inside. She said that I couldn�t stay at the cabin on my own because they�d be responsible, should anything happen to me. But I thought � wouldn�t they be responsible if something happened to me anyway? Even if they were there? They kept looking at me. Seeing that I looked awful. I made sure that I expressed my mood because I didn�t feel like hiding it. I asked if I could stay at the cabin and they said I couldn�t. Very angrily, and very pissed off with everyone and everything, I was forced to get in the minibus with everyone else and go to the place where we were supposed to be doing the abseiling, zip wire, and mining. I�d been informed that I could stay in the minibus, while they went and done whatever, and I was happy with that, as it was a compromise. Beth (who was a really nice person) kept trying to reassure me, and trying to make me feel better. As much as it was appreciated, it was also very annoying, since I don�t want anyone near me or talking to me when I�m in such a mood.
We got there and everyone piled out the minibus. I didn�t move, since I thought I could stay in the minibus on my own. Sasha then explained that I couldn�t stay in the minibus and that I had to come with them, once again. I persevered and told her that I wanted to stay in the minibus because I really didn�t feel like doing anything, and yet she continued to say that I couldn�t, as did Tony.
Last Wednesday, when I went to meet them all for the first time, we discussed ground rules for us all. The basic gist of it was that we should respect each other in whatever we do. No isms for example (e.g. sexism, racism etc). I felt that this respect for each other had been pushed over the limits when she said that I had to do something I didn�t want to do. They had forced me to not only leave the cabin, but now also, to come with them up another long and exhausting climb to the top, when they had said that I could stay in the minibus. I felt like they had betrayed my trust in them for this. I had no choice but to give in to what they were asking.
I got out the minibus and started to make my way up the hill. I couldn�t believe they were making me do this, especially when my ankle was still sore from the mountain accident. The more I walked, the more my leg was beginning to ache and I had to put my hand on my thigh with every step I took, just so I could actually take another step. It didn�t help that I was feeling very depressed at the time as well. I had to walk for at least 20 minutes to get to the top of this hill, where I was out of breath and exhausted from walking and in pain. They were all waiting for me at the top. I walked over, trying to look ok, but not succeeding by a long way and I knew they could see it on my face, the way I was feeling both emotionally and psychically.
I rested on a nearby rock, while the instructor told them about what they were going to do and how to do it. I didn�t pay a bit of attention to him because I wasn�t even going to do it anyway. I just looked at the distant mountains, wishing I were there on my own, instead of here, with these people.
The instructor took them over to a small ledge where they practiced some abseiling. I didn�t even bother turning around to see what they were doing. It wasn�t of any interest to me. The instructor came over to his car to get something and asked me did I want to come and see the lagoon and I said no. Only turning my head slightly to acknowledge him. I then returned to the position I was previously in.
Tony came over and explained that I had to come with them once again, because I couldn�t be left there on my own. I was starting to get really angry with everyone now, because of the amount of things I was being forced to do. Again, I had no choice but to give in to his demands and followed him through a small cave into an opening, where I seen a beautiful blue lagoon, surrounded by a tall cliff. It was gorgeous. The thing that unfortunately spoilt it was loud music being played at the top of the cliff by some campers.
Tony gave me Sasha�s camera, to take pictures of the group abseiling down the cliff. Although it was the last thing I wanted to do, I agreed to do it, because otherwise, I would of felt guilty, saying no.
Tony went back through the cave to climb up further to abseil himself with the rest of the group.
I sat there waiting for them to come down the cliff. Admiring the view of this lagoon and wishing that there were places like this by where I live.
Tony was the first one down the cliff, as he had done it before and was the one to show everyone else how to do it. Then it was the rest of the group�s turn and all of them done well at it. I took a picture of everyone coming down, but most of them weren�t any good, because they were facing the cliff, rather than facing the camera.
After Jay came down, he came over to me and asked if I�d like to have a go. I said I don�t know and he joked about how I was now in two minds about it, which I was, since I�d been looking forward to abseiling all weekend. In the end, I said yes and I went up the rest of the hill to meet the instructor, where he quickly told me how to abseil. I put the harness on, along with the helmet, and walked over the cliff, where I got hooked in to the safety rope and the abseiling rope.
I then proceeded to lean back and try and make my way down the cliff. I wasn�t bothered about the height of it at all. Infact it was the last thing on my mind. I was just concentrating on getting down the side of the cliff. I got over the edge of the cliff and I thought I was doing well at it. Then I must have misplaced my footing or something, because I got twisted up and I couldn�t get my feet back on the cliff. My hand was stuck inbetween a rock and the rope. The instructor was shouting at me to loosen the grip of my hand and I was telling him that my hand wasn�t even touching the rope. He was pulling on it and with it went my hand. I was shouting at him that he was hurting my hand and eventually, I got unstuck and abseiling down the rest of the cliff easily. To be honest, it wasn�t that fun, since all it involved really was keeping hold of a rope and sliding down it, since the cliff was basically vertical, with no protrusions. I was glad I could say I�d done it though.
Next it was abseiling in a mine, which I was going to do but the instructor said it would be best if I didn�t, because of my leg. Since Sasha is claustrophobic, her and I stayed behind while the others went abseiling. They were gone for about an hour and Sasha and me just talked about how I was getting on with everyone and how everything was.
They came back and said it was great, but very tiring and wet. They were all looking forward to the zip wire, which was next.
They went back up to the place where they first abseiled. Tony was first to do it. The instructor gave him a countdown from 3 and he was off. There were quite a few people around the lagoon�that he was about to splash into. It looked cool to do. He made a huge splash in the lagoon and everyone cheered and laughed as he swam out.
The rest of the group all had a go and all enjoyed it. I didn�t want to do it, since I didn�t have anything to change into once I was wet.
After that I was really thankful that we were finally going home. I started making my way back down the hill. At this point, I was feeling slightly better inside. Actually, I think I was just trying to convince myself that I was feeling ok, and I looked it on the outside, but I was still feeling horrible inside. Most of the group were ahead of me, but Beth and Ste stayed behind to make sure I was ok, what with my leg. I was almost down to the minibus when my ankle gave in for the 8th time�on the edge of a cliff. I stumbled and fell off the side of the path into a steep hill that went on and on. Thank God that those two were there with me, because otherwise there is a good chance that I would have fallen all the way down that cliff.
They helped me back up and told me to put my arms around them so that they could help me down the rest of the hill. I felt so horrible, knowing that I needed their help to help me walk, but I had to accept it, because my ankle was once again hurting. I told them that I could walk again and I unhooked my arms from around them both and limped towards the minibus.
It was about 3pm when we got back the cabin where everyone dried off and got changed ready to go home. I sat outside on a wall, listening to the sound of a small river running past my feet. Although I was glad about going home, I was going to miss the serenity of the place. I sat there for about 30 minutes, while the others got ready. I rang my mum to tell her I was coming home and explained about how I wasn�t feeling that good. I then decided to ring Natalie, since I wanted to tell her everything that had happened, but she wasn�t there.
Sasha called all of us over to a table, where she talked about how the group had done well and she was happy about the way we had communicated etc. Then Tony said his part and Jay his. Jay commented on how everyone struggled up the mountain, and how he was particularly impressed at me doing it, which I appreciated. Everyone then said about what they had achieved and learnt throughout the weekend. I just said that I�d learnt to socialise a bit better and I also thought that my biggest achievement was climbing that mountain.
We then all got in the minibus and started the 3 hour journey home. I was very nice indeed to see Liverpool again.
