10:18pm
(Added at 12:14am)
I went down for a drink before and as I walked down my stairs, one of Laura's mates saw my arm and asked how I had done it. What a very difficult moment. Since I couldn't think of anything to tell her other than the truth, and since I thought Laura had told her mates about it anyway, I told her how. This made me uncomftable. Then she asked why, to which I gave no response, but instead continued to go and get a drink.
I really don't know what to say when people ask 'why?'. I am not sure why.
Also, something which confused me earlier on is the fact that my mum was joking about how I should go out with one of Laura's mates. I said that I didn't like any of them she said she knows I didn't. I then replied that none of them would like me anyway. She looked at me strangely and asked why. I just said they wouldn't. She then asked me do I not think I am good looking, which I definitly do not. I told her this. She said that she knows Laura's friends think that I am nice looking, and that others have commented on it too.
This is what I find very confusing. I don't have a good opinion of myself. Infact I have a very bad image of myself, in both looks and personality. When I hear/ed my mum say things like that I just fail to agree with her. It's so hard to because I really can't see anyone thinking that about me.
12:22am
(Added at 3:29am)
I have made a step forward in the right direction. Partly by mistake, partly by my own will.
One of the nail tacks I use has fell down the back of my bed, therefore I obviously can't use it. It's a good thing and also a bad thing. Obviously you will all say it's a good thing and I agree with you partly.
Secondly, I have put the other nail tack in my bin. So now I have no tools to injure myself (other than my hands). Unfortunatly, I have put the nail tacks in the bin before, and then got them out again an hour later. Not good progress, I know. Maybe I'll keep to it this time. I don't want the puncture marks getting infected, especially when there's two entry points to them.
So progress, kind of. Take it as you will.
3:34am
