Firstly, yes, I agree with you. My mum still has thoughts about me being suicidal. That I don't disagree with you on.
Secondly, again I agree with you. I need to change my life about. The way I am 'living' right now is no way to live at all and the help that is being given in whatever form that may come in, ie Prozac, coucillor or doctors etc, will hopefully help in changing my life about. I cannot do it on my own. I think this is what you don't understand.
Thirdly, I do not SI because I want attention. Far from it. I do not like the thought of being the centre of attention because people think my life is in danger. I don't even like attention full stop. It puts pressure on me that I don't want. I self injure because I don't like me. I self infure because of how I feel inside. I don't know why I SI exactly, because if I did there would probably be an easier way to stop, but since there is no 'pysichal' reason, if you like, why I do it, it's harder to find a solution. I knew that I would be accused (that's a harsh word, but I can't think of anything else) of seeking attention at some point, but I promise you it's not.
You asked me to list why I feel the way I do. I can't do that, since I don't know why I feel the way I do, and I really wish I did. Again, there would probably be a solution by now if I knew what was wrong.
I'm not very good at expressing how I feel, neither online or off to anyone. Online it comes out wrongly, because I need my voice behind the words. Offline it hardly comes out at all, because I find it very hard to talk about how I feel. I'm sorry that I can't come across very well.
I am willing, though. To do whatever to make me feel more than this. As I said, if I wasn't willing why would I take the Prozac? Why would I start seeing Ken? And, as much as i'm dreading it, why would I be willing to see this psychologist? Surely that suggests that I am willing? I really can't do this on my own. I need help. And thankfully, I'm now getting it.
Also, C.A.L.M, will help I think. I think it will be a very good place to meet people who share the same feelings as me. This will not only give me a chance to meet new people, but also it may help me build up my self confidence and also be something other than isolated.
If I truly liked being this way, why would I do all of the things I've listed so far?
Lastly, I really appreciate you caring. You don't know how much, either. I know I don't show it, but I promise you I do appreciate it. I appreciate anyone who has the time to care about me.
I am really sorry though, that, I make you feel like this about me, because it's not intentional. Please, if nothing else, believe me on that. I do not set out to hurt anyone intentionally (apart from me), in whatever form. So I really am sorry that I have/am.
I am trying to be more than this. Please just give me time :).
12:32am
