I woke up at around 8:15pm, feeling totally horrible. Thinking thoughts I've been running through my mind over and over again, with no solution to them. Fighting with the covers, kicking, wriggling about, for what reason, I don't know, only that I feel so frustrated and I don't know how to show it.
Then I began picking at one of the scabs on my right arm. And it began to bleed. I started on another one but couldn't pick much off it so continue to pick the first one. It began to bleed more.
Then my mum shouts up to me to get up and let Laura on the PC. I explained to her that I didn't feel like getting up and would she just please leave me alone.
"Neil, you're not being fair to Laura"
"Mum, leave me alone, please"
"She's going on it"
"She's not"
"You can say she's not all you like but she is"
"She isn't"
Silence. And my mum walks back in the living room.
A few minutes later she comes back out, she was ready to go out for the night. I shouted her.
"Mum"
"What?"
"Here a minute"
She comes up to my room.
"There's something I have to tell you, and you won't like it"
"What is it? You know you can tell me anything"
"It's hard to say"
"Just say it"
"I self injure"
Silence for a few seconds.
"Well, I had an idea you might be"
"You don't know how much, though"
"Where?"
"On my arms, and leg"
She sits on my bed. I show her one of my arms.
"How long have you been doing this for?"
"I don't know"
"Where else?"
I show her my other arm. The one that's been bleeding.
"Oh Neil..."
"Are they sore?"
"Yeah"
Conversation ensues where I cry a lot, and her explaining that I can tell her anything.
I had to tell her at some point. It would of been too hard to carry on trying to hide all of the scars from her, making up excuses and such. This way, at least there is no worrying of that.
I'm glad that I've managed to tell her about it. She said that she is too.
She's going to ring the doctors again on Tuesday, and we'll both go. Show the doctor my 'work'. What this will achieve I don't know.
I don't think the Prozac is working either, since I don't think there's been a day since I started taking it where I haven't felt exactly the same as when I wasn't on them. Maybe I need a higher dosage? I'm scared.
I am scared. Frustrated. Alone. Empty. Misunderstood. Me.
I need help.
9:43pm
