Last night, I asked Sarah if she fancied meeting up today. She said yes, after quite a few weeks of her saying she was busy and couldn't. I was really looking forward to seeing her because I so very much wanted, no, needed, a hug and a kiss from her. Since it's been really nice lately, I said we could just sit in the park and talk on the grass. Almost like a replica of what happened yesterday with Mairead, except I knew that with Sarah, at least she wouldn't make me feel crap.
But, even as today began, it all went downhill and to start things off, I missed my train. No big deal, I can cope with that.
On the way to college, Sarah text me. Nothing important, but I replied and we texted each other for a bit while I went to college. I also texted Mairead, saying "Did you enjoy meeting? I really wanted to kiss you but you didn't seem at all interested. Am I right?", and waited for a reply eagerly.
Once in college, I found the group and they said that today was the day that we had our focus group. This is where we could voice our opinions on how we were finding the course and a chance to bitch about Ed. They asked me how yesterday went with Mairead and I told them about how she'd consistenly talked about other lads. They agreed it was bad, as did Leanne.
Alan came in after a while. He asked me how did the key skills test go yesterday and then I suddenly realised that I may of had another one today. We checked. I did have. And now it was too late. I had missed the start of it. Great. Fucking great.
The person holding the focus group was the head of graphics. She's really nice, very approachable. We expressed our concerns about Ed, along with telling her how we enjoy other aspects of the course and dislike others. I think it's very helpful that they do offer a focus group because when people come on this course next year, perhaps by us giving our opinions, we will make it better for them. It's a shame that we won't reap the changes directly, but since we are all still going to be in college next year, perhaps we will.
After that, I had film to develop. Developing film is such a tedious task. It can take anywhere from 10 minutes up to an hour or more, depending on what you're developing. I really dislike the darkroom area. It's bathed in an ominous red light and it's usually very empty so it's very quiet. I really don't like being in there. It makes me feel depressed. However, I had to stay in there for quite some time, agitating my developing film once every minute, which means that I can't go off and do something else. Jamie and the rest stayed with me while I done the developing. And once the first set of negatives were done, we went to have a break.
While in the cafe, I recieved a text message from Mairead.
"Hi i'm in a hotel in Manchester. I did like meeting you but I felt like I would be cheating on Johnny and Chris"
And I know you're thinking the same thing I am about that last sentence. So I text back.
"You're already cheating by seeing both of them"
"I know but I love Johnny and like Chris"
Whatever. This was my first downer of the day.
Back to the darkrooms to start processing the other negatives and then it was lunch.
"Hold on, just waiting for Emily", I heard Stan say, as I began to walk out from the darkrooms.
"Emily? Who's Emily?". He didn't answer me though. Must not of heard me. I asked Jamie.
"Jamie, who's Emily?"
"Err Stan's girl"
"Huh?"
As we waited, I recieved a text off Sarah and it was not good. "Sorry, can't meet. Got an interview. And I can't kiss you because I have a boyfriend"
What?!
I text back immediatly.
"Why the hell didn't you tell me you've got yourself a boyfriend?!"
"I thought I told you"
She had definitely NOT told me. Fucking hell, I was looking forward to seeing her so much and she goes and gets herself a boyfriend. So not only did Mairead not want me but Sarah no longer does either. Great.
Nothing was really that clear about who this Emily girl was. When she came out of the darkrooms, I asked who she was. "I'm Emily", was the reply, but I was hoping to hear an explanation of how she'd just popped out of nowhere. None was given though, till a few minutes later, when Stan and Emily were walking in front of me, Fisher and Jamie.
"So who's Emily?", I asked them both again.
"Stan asked her if she wanted to go for a drink"
"What, just now?"
"Yeah"
"So he doesn't actually know her?"
"No, he's just asked her while we were in the darkrooms"
"I wish I could do that", I said, so very downhearted after getting the texts from Mairead and Sarah and then Stan goes and manages to get a girl to go have a drink with him in an instant. It put me in a very, very depressive mood, while we all sat outside and they had their pints. I didn't talk much. Emily was very surprised to learn that I don't like beer.
Although she was there because Stan had invited her and he was the reason she has accepted, I was aware of the fact that I was acting very quiet. Moreso than usual. I just wanted to cry. I felt bad too because Emily, should she become part of our group of friends is now going to assume that I either don't like her, or I am really that quiet all of the time and i'm really that depressed all of the time.
She's a nice person. Funny. Jamie asked if I'd take a group pic of them and I obliged.
It was 1:20pm by this point and I had hardly spoken since we had sat down.
"You alright?", Jamie asked.
"No, i'm not", I replied, "I'm pissed off and depressed"
"Why? Because of that girl yesterday?"
"Yeah and because of the girl I was meeting today. I don't have any luck with girls at all and it's really frustrating. I hate it."
He done his best to somehow help me by offering some postive thinking, but it didn't help. It was appreciated though.
All four of them were intent on drinking a few pints before they went back to college. We should of been back at 1pm and it was now 1:30pm.
"I have to go back", I said to Jamie. "I have stuff to do".
"Ok then"
"I'm going back now, bye. Bye Emily", I said to the other three before going back to college. As I did, I was wondering if they would say anything about me when I'd gone about how quiet I was being, especially Emily, since she didn't know me and it's easy to tell i'm not like them.
Back in college, I had to go the darkroom again and this time develop a film for 30 minutes. I can't stand it though. Sitting there in a gloomy light with no one to talk to and the lack of any kind of relationship with a girl. It drives me crazy. It makes me depressed. I sat on a table and rested my head against the wall. Louise walked past and saw me.
"You ok?"
"Bored, depressed"
"Bored and depressed? How old are you?"
"20"
"20 eh? You've just done a key skills test which you should be proud of and..." I wasn't really listening. "And...ok well, I'll leave you to it"
You could tell she wasn't comfortable with the whole depression idea. Just the look on her face when I told her I am depressed. It's like she doesn't believe me.
Towards the end of the 30 minutes developing time, Jamie, Fisher and Stan came back, but only to get their EMA forms signed and then they went home, even though they'd not done any work at all. Once the developing was done, I had to then do printouts. It was around 3:10pm by this time and I had been in the darkroom since around 1:40pm. I did not feel good.
After two failed attempts to do some test sheets, I decided to go home and forget about it. I wasn't up for it at all.
So, as I sit here, pretty much every one of my friends has a girlfriend and it's very depressing for me being the only one who doesn't.
Jamie has Danielle.
Stan has this new girl, Emily.
Fisher pretty much has Claire.
I guess Dave doesn't. And neither do I.
No one realises just how much I need some love in my life. Without it, I feel dead. I feel so unwanted and empty inside. I have been so down over the past few days and I just keep getting knocked back again and again. I don't think it's going to change any time soon either. I hate being me.
