I confronted her about it an hour later and asked her why she'd done it.
"Oh I dunno Neil", she said, not bothered in the slightest, walking right past me as she said it to get to the bathroom. When she came out, I showed her what she'd done.
"Look. You've just wasted that film on me. I needed it."
"Oh well I never meant to", again, in a very 'so what?' tone of voice. She shut the door to her bedroom and went to sleep. Not even an apology.
My mum was upstairs too and she heared me and Laura. I explained to her what Laura had done. my mum didn't see that arsed either, but gave the suggestion of going to a developers and asking them to unwind it slightly to get it out but the casette itself was now broken slightly and besides, although that suggestion was helpful, it's the fact that she had purposely wound it into the casette in the first place that really pissed me off! "I didn't mean to" means nothing. How can you not mean to pick up a film roll and then proceed to wind it into the casette? How?!
When I went to college this morning, I managed to find Alan and I explained to him what she had done and he kindly gave me another film. I then went to Tony's lesson - a lesson which I haven't been to for at least 5 months. I was only in the lesson for 90 minutes though, since I had to go and do my key skills maths test. When I got there, there weren't that many other people waiting, but it soon filled up. We were soon let into the hall and I looked for my seat. Each table had a name on. I thought I was doing level 2, but when I found my name, it said I was doing level 1. Level 1? I was a bit confused and almost felt patronised because I wasn't doing level 2. However, I was very ashamed about the fact that when the test was in progress, I found some of the questions challenging and this made me angry at myself. It also made me wonder why, although I was doing a key skills test, I hadn't recieved any lessons on improving my numeracy. This confused me. I managed to finish the 40 questions within 50 minutes, however. I then went back to the college to meet my friends and we walked into town together. Stan wanted to get a tshirt. I did too.
While Stan was getting his tshirt, me, Jamie and Fisher decided to go in a suit shop. We all agreed that we would love to be able to afford to buy one of them, since the price tags where �500-700. We all agreed that they look really good. I was tempted to try one on, but didn't. Neither did they. It felt almost embarassing being in the shop, since it's not like we're the type who are going to be buying a �700 suit.
After that we went into Topman so I could get a simple plain white tshirt but Jamie said they were cheaper next door so I got two in there. By this time it was 1:10pm and everyone was on their way home. They knew I was meeting Mairead and they wanted to stick around but I didn't want them to and they got the hint. I sat on a wall and passed the time just watching the people walk by. As 2pm approached, I went to the place where I was meeting Mairead. I didn't have to wait long. I was looking the other way, but out the corner of my eye, I saw someone crossing the road and I knew it was her. She stood out. A lot. In a very, very good way.
She was wearing a red jacket with blue jeans and a white top underneath. She had some sunglasses on as well. She looked the part. She looked amazing.
As she approached me, I looked in surprise as she stood in front of me. "Oh, hello!", I said. I was going to hug her, but I felt that I got such a repelling feel from her within those few seconds that it felt awkward to hug her, so I didn't. It wasn't the end of the world though. She's quite short at around 5'2, but my god, if you saw her, you'd agree how very attractive she is. She is by far the most attractive girl I've ever met.
As we walked, we talked about various things. I was feeling pretty nervous, but I don't think I showed it. She was very talkative and I didn't mind listening.
We went to sit in the park, since it was a really nice day and for the next two hours, we talked. As we did, I began to like her a lot, the whole package, if you will. And then it all fell apart.
You see, even though we were communicating fairly well, she kept mentioning other guys and how she's doing and done stuff with them and I really don't want to hear about it. She even mentioned the fact that she was going out tonight with her friend Johnny for a meal, and then back to a hotel and then sex. And those were her words. All it does it make me jealous and puts me down. I don't want to hear about them. I listened regardless, getting evermore jealous of what she was going to be doing or had done lately. Not only that, but she consistently commented on how 'that lad over there' looked nice. Not once did she say anything about me in terms of attraction.
At one point, she was laying down and I was half sitting up next to her. She had her sunglasses on and her eyes closed. If there was ever a moment to kiss her, it would of been then. But I didn't. I was too scared. She had made no real indications that she actually liked me and so I was too scared to kiss her. She talked about liking other people so much that it just seemed like she wasn't interested in me at all. So I had to leave it, even though I wanted to kiss her.
We did get onto the subject of sex, however, and she asked me questions such as would I have a threesome, and other things, but, I felt that she was asking me things because she was eager to give answers to her own questions because she knew I'd ask 'would you?' or 'have you?'. And yes, she had. I don't mind the fact that she's proud of all of this at all, but it felt like she was trying to show off. She KNOWS how attractive she is. She knows I think she is attractive. I told her so to her face a few times. She says she doesn't think she is, and that she doesn't really notice any attention if she's walking around town, but I feel like she knows it all too well and she admitted that she likes a lot of attention and getting her way all of the time.
After two hours, we went back to the station. I felt pretty disappointed. Very disappointed. I felt...I don't know. I felt like I had sat through two hours of someone telling me how other lads are better than me. I didn't feel like I had been of any interest to her, only to express her thoughts and wishes on other people. She didn't say 'i'm glad I met you' or 'I think you're nice' or anything. Anything at all. Just something to let me know that she was actually interested in me. And yet she was the one who suggested we meet today, not me. It confused me. It disappointed me. It made me feel pretty crap.
While in the train station, my train was going to be the first one to come before hers, but as a courtesy, I would always wait with whoever for their train to see them off, regardless of it my train came first or not.
"Here's your train", she said.
"No, it's alright, I'll wait with you for yours"
"No go on, it's ok"
"No I wanna wait with you"
"No really, it's fine, I'll feel really guilty if you wait with me"
And I took that as a 'go away'. So I did. I gave her a hug and asked her for a kiss and she gave me a kiss on the lips, but it was only a quick peck. A friendly kiss. Not a 'I really like you' kiss.
I got on the train and sat by the window as she stood there and I noticed that it seemed like she looked everywhere but at me. She glanced at me twice, very quickly and that was it. It felt pretty shit not being wanted.
I waved her goodbye as I left the station, pondering on "What if I had kissed her when I had the chance to?". I tried to convince myself that she's only one girl. So what if she doesn't fancy me. But i'm not good at convincing myself. I then decided that as an affirmative action to wipe these feelings away, I will be going out on Friday with my mates to the AJ's. They're not going to the club they usually go to, but if I feel as sure as I do currently about going with them on Friday, then i'm going to make them go there and i'm going to come with them for the first time and maybe there, someone would want me.
But...who would want me?
So right now i'm feeling very worthless. Tired. Lonely. Unwanted. Today has been such a blow to my confidence.
