After going to bed last night at 1am, I awoke at 6:10am this morning. I had to think for a few seconds about what day it was and whether I should be getting up for college or not and I remembered that I did indeed have to do so.
Got up, got ready, got to town, walked to college.
Even though it was well before 9am while walking to college, it was so incredibly hot already. I'm so very unfit and by the time I got to my classroom, the sweat was pouring off me. Very unattractive.
I was the first one there but by 9:05am, there was still no one there and I began thinking that perhaps I had come in when I should still have another week of half term or something. I rang Fisher, however, to see whether we were in and he confirmed it. Soon after, Stan arrived, just before I was about to take a picture of the classroom for you all to see where I spend my Mondays in college.
The morning, for me, was basically writing up 8 different documents which consisted of a paragraph of writing, literally. You'd think this was incredibly simple, and yet it proved so hard to do because I really didn't have a clue what to write. It was all about the why's and the what's of what I had to produce for the project, such as "Why is writing an evaluation important?" and "Why writing an evaluation was important". I made a point of telling Ed that he should of told me about these little documents before I'd done the actual items because I think it would be a lot easier to do it as you're going along than having to work backwards. He didn't agree. I don't think he likes the fact that I have strong opinions on things which he's unable to shake because I can be stubborn. Especially when I know i'm right.
At lunch, we went to the park and sat there for 40 minutes or so. It was really nice, because it was a perfect sunny day. It was improved on by the fact that Claire joined us. Always a night sight to see her.
She was sitting facing me and we were all just talking about stuff when suddenly she asked "What have you done to your arm?". For a very brief moment, I thought about lying, but i'm past lying about it. "I used to self harm", I replied.
Jamie was sitting next to me. "What?", he said, "You what?", he said again, confused "You self harm? What does that mean?"
"Means he used to self mutilate himself", Stan replied on my behalf.
I noticed that Claire then began to look at me in a different way than she usually does. It was a direct result of me revealing the self harming thing. I'm not really sure whether it was a good or bad 'look', but she did say that she done it as well, but only very lightly, as her arms are perfectly normal now except for one scar.
Reluctantly we went back to class and I carried on my documents pretty much till it was time to go. I did have plans to take some photographs on the way home, but by 4pm, my mood was rapidly declining due to the amount of bullshit I had had to write all day. I even told Ed that. "I hate all this bullshit we have to write, to be blunt", I said. Heh, I don't think he liked that, but he said he very much understood and it wasn't him who decided. He agreed with me that it was all crap.
Me and Dave walked back the station. He was trying to convince me to go out on Friday, as had everyone else. I feel really guilty every time they ask me because I always end up saying no.
Once home, the first thing I did was have something to eat. Laura, my mum and my nana were in the living room and I sat with them while I ate and tried my best to join in any conversation they were having. Nothing I say ever gets heard though. Never. It's like I don't exist. My nana hears me, but Laura and my mum don't. It's very offputting and it doesn't make me want to try to get to know them better. Then they criticise me for not doing so. Great.
Around 7, 8pm, I was beginning to get tired and because of this, I could feel of a wave of depression coming over me because I was tired, and just fed up with things. The main thing being loneliness. I had spent quite a fair amount of time talking to Fisher on his own in the classroom about relationships and that had made me feel pretty depressed as well.
I haven't really improved throughout the night either. I've just been so depressed and wanting to cry and all that horrible stuff. Nothing in particular brings it on, but it stays and I don't know how to get rid of it.
However...
I did have one small highlight tonight - I'm meeting Mairead tomorrow!
"Do you want to meet up tomorrow?", she asked me, completely out of the blue.
"Sure, if you want", I replied.
So I'll be meeting her tomorrow at 2pm. She can only stay for two hours so instead of going to see Troy, which she wanted to see, we'll just go for a walk or something.
She knows I really like her. She says she likes me too. And then...
[21:36:19] I'm a nymphomaniac!: i hav somethin to confess
[21:36:29] Happiness eludes me: Sounds bad already.
[21:36:50] I'm a nymphomaniac!: u wont like it but i still wanna meet ya
[21:37:06] Happiness eludes me: That means that you have a boyfriend.
[21:37:30] I'm a nymphomaniac!: he isnt my boyfriend but we are kinda together
Yeah. The only time when she asks me to meet her instead of me asking her and she now has a guy in her life.
However.
[21:39:38] Happiness eludes me: So does that mean I can or can't kiss you if we happen to like each other?..I don't want to kiss you if I shouldn't...
[21:40:39] I'm a nymphomaniac!: if we like each other u can, he is away a lot i hav only been kinda with him for about a month n wot wit him bein in the royal marines i dont see him much
So I guess that's a yes in terms of a kiss tomorrow if we like each other.
I'm not getting my hopes up though. She's cancelled at least twice before now. Maybe she will tomorrow too. And even if she doesn't, I doubt she'll like me. No one likes me as more than a friend. Never.
Before I meet Mairead, I have my first key skills exam tomorrow at 11:45am. I don't know how long it'll last for, which is why I said I'd meet Mairead at 2pm, rather than any earlier. It's a maths test tomorrow. I guess i'm a little worried. I don't think i'm that good at maths really and I'd really like a GCSE for it, along with English and IT.
I'm more scared about meeting Mairead. Very scared. I get intimidated easily by some people and she seems like that kind of person. Not because she's nasty or anything, but because she's such a lively person and likes laughing and joking. I think she'll find me boring.
Off to bed.
