I went to bed at 5am this morning, even though I wasn't tired and I ended up waking up at 6:40am and not being able to get back asleep. Some people don't realise just how hard it is for me to get to sleep.

It's now 2:10pm and i'm feeling absolutely dead. I'll probably go back to bed soon.

In the midst of my tossing and turning in bed, I was thinking about a number of things including what if I had the power to turn back time. I began thinking about how far back I'd go and I knew pretty much instantly that I'd like to relive the six months that I was with Claire because it's the happiest I've ever been in my life and I wish I could find that kind of happiness again. I think I'd even go through the heartbreak of breaking up all over again if it meant that I had more time with her.

I am over her, but that doesn't mean that i'm not allowed to still think about her, which I do. I still wonder about if she's happy and stuff like that. I'm still allowed to care for her on some level. I'm just saying that given the chance, I'd love those six months back because I was so happy.

These days happiness is so fleeting. I know what my happiness is. It's love. I don't really see any divide between those two words. Love is what makes me happy. It's the only thing I've found that does make me happy. Everything else leaves me feeling dead inside. It's horrible to not feel as if you are enjoying anything the world offers, when so many other people seem to be doing so. I just seem to get no enjoyment out of life.

And the girls that I might meet up with from time to time. What are they? What do they contribute to my life? Sometimes I really don't have an answer for that. I just want someone to want me on some level so much that I end up taking whatever anyone offers me because if I don't, then I have nothing. The only girl who I actually liked on more than a physical level has been Alice who I really did like a lot. I just wish it had been better with her.

Sarah, I admit that I just see her because she is someone who might happen to want to kiss me. I don't really feel anything for her. I feel shallow because of it.

A year ago, my morals and my values were so much better than they are these days. A year ago, I wouldn't be doing what i'm doing. I'm just at a loss. Empty. Lonely.