"THE NEXT PERSON I SEE TALKING WILL BE DISMISSED FROM THE ROOM", in a loud bossy voice, along with "IF YOUR PHONE IS NOT TURNED OFF AND IT RINGS, IT WILL BE CONFISCATED FROM YOU AND YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY A FINE TO GET IT BACK"
Yeah right. Fuck you.
"The test is an hour long. You are NOT allowed to leave before the test is finished. If you finish before the hour is up, you'll just have to wait patiently"
I don't understand why. They always say it would cause oh so much distraction to those who are still working. How the hell can it be anything other than a minimal distraction, by me putting my jacket on and walking out the room?
Also, after everyone had sat down and was ready to begin the test, she then decides to add:
"You are not allowed to have any bags by your desk so if you have a bag, please bring it to the front"
And so by saying that, she made half of the hall of around 100 people get up and bring their bags to the front, when everyone was sitting there ready to get on with the test. She created more fuss than was neccessary. Stupid woman. If she was really that bothered about the bags, she should of told people to put them at the front as everyone came in, not when everyone had already sat down.
And so because I had finished the test within 15 minutes, I had to sit there bored out of my mind when I could be in my multimedia lesson talking to my friends.
The test itself very extremely easy. IT Level 1! Level 1. Questions such as "Is this text left aligned or right aligned?". Very, very simple things.
After the exam I made my way back to multimedia and talked to my friends pretty much for the last hour I was in there. Brian came over towards the end and told me what they were all doing. Something about designing an online portfolio for the work I've done over the year in multimedia. He said that he knew I'd be fine with it so he wasn't that bothered that I'd done nothing that lesson.
At the end of the lesson, Brian gathered us all together and wanted to tell us about an artist which apparantly used different parts of different animals to make up a new one. He then started to draw what one of the artist's artworks looked like.
"Ok, what's this?", he asked the group.
"A beak"
"And this?"
"A head"
"And this?"
"A body"
"And this?"
"Legs"
"And this?"
"A wing"..."Err, that's a bird?"
"No, hold on"
He got Fisher to the front of the group and was going to use him for a little experiment.
"Now, when I point to a part of the picture, you've gotta tell me as fast as you can what i'm pointing at right?"
"Ok"
"Ok, go"
So Brian starting pointing the pen at various parts of this bird he'd just drawn, moving the pen to another part of the bird after Fisher had said what it was.
"Head, body, wing, leg, body, wing, head, leg", Fisher was saying, as Brian had instructed him. I was a bit confused just like the rest of the group as to where this was going.
"Ok, now i'm gonna do it again but this time I want you to tell me what i'm pointing at before the pen touches the paper", Brian continued. "Hold on", he said, before searching for another piece of paper. "Yeah, this will do. It's very important that you all be quiet while I do this"
With the new piece of paper he had just found, he folded it up so it formed a long, narrow piece of paper, before asking Fisher to hold out his hand. Brian placed the piece of folder paper (think of a piece of A4 landscape, then keep folding 1cm folds on top of themselves. That's what this piece of paper looked like) on Fishers hand, then asked him to begin the process again of naming the parts of the bird as quick as he could.
This time, Brian was doing it really fast and Fisher had trouble keeping up.
"Head, le..bodylegwing, head, wing, wing wing wing wing wing wing wing wing"
Suddenly Brian picks up the piece of folder paper from Fisher's hand and puts it to his ear.
"Hello?"
He'd be messing around with us! It was all a joke. A weird one at that. Everyone was so silent, waiting for something amazing to happen as Brian and Fisher done this 'experiment'. Even Ed, who happened to be in the room, along with Tony had fallen silent as they watched as well. Brian was highly amused at the end of it.
You had to be there to find it funny.
We all walked down into town after college, 'all' being me, Stan, Jamie and Fisher. We went to Topman and HMV, just having a look round. Fisher and Stan went home after a while which left me and Jamie. Jamie said that he had to hang around town till 6pm, since his girlfriend, Danielle works in town and he wanted to wait for her. I was really hungry so we went to Burger King and sat in there for a while and talked.
I've not really had a kind of 'one to one' to Jamie yet, but I did in Burger King, just talking about how good this year has been, meeting everyone, how he has changed a lot over the years, and how he really wants me to go out clubbing with them, along with me telling him how much I'd like to, how much I really want a girlfriend, and how before this course, I didn't really have any friends.
Around 5:40pm, I caught the train home and said goodbye to Jamie. I like having one on one conversations with my friends. I find out so much more about them than when we're in a group. I've done it with Dave, Fisher and Jamie, but not so much Stan yet.
Last night was spent wallowing in my depression, because as happy(ish) this entry sounds, i'm feeling pretty shit lately. I've had this deep wave of depression for at least a week, maybe two now. It's killing me. All I want to do is cry. Even my suicidal thoughts are returning sometimes. I get so bad at times like this. All I want to do is curl up and go away to some place where I don't feel as bad as I do.
I went to bed last night at 1am. Early for me, but I was very tired.
This morning, while in the kitchen cooking some bacon for myself and my mum, she began talking to me.
"Neil", she began and I knew already that this wasn't going to be a good conversation and I was already feeling shit.
"Wouldn't you be better off living on your own?"
"I dunno", I mumbled back.
"Because you're not happy here are you? And you don't agree with the things I do. I don't think you even like me or Laura"
"...I don't like me"
"So living on your own wouldn't make you feel better?"
"Dunno"
"I thought that because you were getting to college and you had friends you felt better about yourself?"
"I feel like shit"
"You feel like shit...why?"
"I'm lonely"
"Why don't you go out with your friends? Don't they go out?"
"Yeah they do"
"Well why don't you go out with them then>"
"Too scared to"
"If you went out with them, you'd meet people and meet someone for you. You're not going to meet anyone stuck in that room"
"I know"
"Go out with them one night"
And of course, as you well know, I do want to, but just haven't found the courage to do so.
I don't know whether living on my own would be a good or bad thing. It would mean that I'd be in a place on my own even more. I don't know if I could even afford to live on my own either. And what about Oogee? He would have to come with me because I know my mum wouldn't want him or Laura.
I feel like my life is breaking down before it's even begun.
Writing this, I can feel the tears under my eyes forming. They never fall. I wish they would. Maybe crying would help me.
It's days like this that make me need to see James Riley, who I've now not seen for well over three months. He's not called, or emailed like he said he would.
I often wonder what will become of me. Will I ever amount to anything? Will I ever even like myself and be comfortable with me? Right now i'm so very far from being anywhere near happy. I feel so shit.
