I find it so hard to cry. It's nice to know I still can. It's just a shame that I was crying for this reason...
Eventually my mum heard me and she came up and (tryed) to comfort me. It never works. sometimes she makes it worse. She says the wrong things to me at the wrong time. She wonders why I don't like coming to her with things.
Yeah, so I mostly cryed till about 3am, and cut a bit too. Nothing serious though.
I fell asleep from exhaustion from crying.
I woke up to hear my mum shouting me to get up because John (social worker) was coming at 1pm to take me for a few games of pool (which had been arranged yesterday). I really didn't feel like getting out of bed. I didn't feel like doing anything. I said to her to ring John and tell him I wasn't going. I woke up again to hear my mum saying she'd rang and told him. I thought that was it.
I woke up again at 1:15pm to the sound of the doorbell ringing. I decided to ignore it because I didn't think it could be anyone important. Then I heard a man's voice shouting my mum.
Since he wasn't gonna stop, I had to get up and go see who it was. It was John. Not exactly the person who I wanted to talk to at that moment. We sat in the kitchen and talked about why I'd asked my mum to phone up. I didn't tell him much. He asked did I wanna go have a game of pool, and since I was now up, I went. I won him 3 games to 2. I haven't touched a cue for year.
He brought me home a few minutes ago. I feel exactly the same as I did when I got up. Tired, sad, angry, confused, conflicted, hurt (both psychically and mentally). I want this to go away.
I went to see the Psychologist yesterday. Dr James Reilly. He was actually quite nice. Very softly spoken and he seemed understanding. I answered all his questions. Questions that I'd been asked by God knows how many other people. I just said the same thing. I was in there about 50 minutes and I have another appointment with him in two weeks. He made an appointment for me to see another councillor on Monday. I'll go, but I doubt it'll help. Then I have YPAS as well the same day. Fun.
I miss being with Natalie. I joked with her about having withdrawal symptoms from her. Sometimes it does actually feel like that though. It's just that she's the only one who is worth caring about to me. I can be myself with her. Not have to put on a mask with her. It's like i'm free.
*sigh*
3:35pm
