(Originally written 3rd October @ 12:54am)

I'm feeling a bit shit right now. I've just got in from seeing Cat, Kerry and a few other people. I'll explain about why I'm feeling shit after I tell you about my day.

My day was fairly straight forward. In the afternoon, I walked to University for my 1pm seminar with Debrah, my tutor. She is teaching us about typography. We also got our first brief which is to design three magazine covers for a magazine called 'Form', which will be a graphic design publication. To get to the three covers, we have to design a minimum of 50 designs within five weeks, with at least five in the second, 10 in the third and 15 in the fourth.

It seemed a lot at first, but when you break it down, it's only 10 per week and that shouldn't be too hard, especially if you break it down further and design maybe one or two per day.

In addition, we also have to do plenty of research and find source material. We are not allowed to use the computer to create the covers, just simple cut and paste into an area just smaller than A4.

We were split up into groups of five. Luckily, Tom was in my group. The other three were girls; Georgina is the only name I can remember. One of them sounded like she was from Liverpool but I didn't get round to asking her.

Each of these groups talked a little about the brief between them. We all thought 50 sounded like a lot of work and we were all worried that we were going to struggle. However, by the end of the lesson, we were feeling a little more confident.

After the lesson, me, Tom and two of the girls went to the library to get photocopy some text, since it's what Debra wants to see lots of. Photocopy cards cost �1 for 20 prints and I bought one from the vending machine. However, I was lucky enough to find a card that someone had left in a photocopy machine that had 60 credits left! Me, Tom and Eli (who joined us shortly after) shared them between us and photocopied lots of stuff for free, courtesy of someone else. I felt guilty for using them, since someone else had paid for them, but I guess if I hadn't used them, someone else would have. It was unlikely that they'd come back.

The two girls didn't stick around for long. In fact, I don't think they photocopied anything. Me, Tom and Eli did, however, although we need a lot more by next week.

After we had exhausted the graphic design journals which were conveniently located by the photocopier, we went searching for other books, but found very few so we decided to give up for the day. I decided to stay behind in the library, however because I wanted to use the Internet to upload my diary entries, send the pictures from Saturday night to Kerry and to upload a piece of artwork to DeviantArt. In addition, I also wanted to log onto MSN and see who was on. Only Abi was and I talked to her for a little while while doing other stuff.

I recieved a text off Kerry saying that she and Cat would be going the Bouverie at 8pm and invited me to join them. It was about 5:30pm at that point so I decided to start the 20 minute journey home to have something to eat and then head back out again for 8pm.

While cooking, Prague asked me lots of questions about British culture. It's really weird being their only real information point as they've never been here before.

I offered both he and Gulu some of the chicken I had cooked as I had cooked a little too much and they thanked me for it. It was the least I could do, since they always offer me.

At 8pm, I headed back out to the Bouverie, choosing to get a cab down there instead as my calves were hurting so much. I hate that I'm so unfit and I'm trying really hard to get healthier by walking but sometimes it just proves too much.

Cat was already in there when I got there, along with a guy named Alex who I'd met the first night I'd been out with them. There was another girl with them too. I can't remember her name, though. Oh, and there was another two guys too. Again, I can't remember their names.

We talked and had fun and Cat had brought some cards with her for some reason so we ended up playing a few hands of blackjack. I then suggested that we each put 20p into a jackpot and everyone seemed up for it. Cat won in the end.

I had brought my camera with me to take a few pictures of my newfound friends. However, they really don't like having their picture taken. It's really frustrating for me when all of my friends in Liverpool have always taken pictures. I have so many spanning three years. They're great to look back on and smile. I want some of these friends too to look back on but they refused. Maybe in a while they will change their minds. I hope so. I don't want to go through three years with them and never have any photos of them.

A little later, one of Alex's friends came over to say hi and said that the rest of his friends were at the back of the pub playing Jenga so we ended up moving there to watch them. They were all very very drunk and very loud. It was funny at first but I guess I just get bored easily of that kind of stuff.

After they had played Jenga, we left the Bouverie and stood outside talking. In total, it was me, two guys whose names I can't remember, Mitch, Peter, Cat and Kerry.

As we stood there laughing and talking, I realised that one of the guys was being really friendly with Cat, putting his arms around her and just generally being close with her. I got jealous. Apparantly, he and her had already been out too one night last week and when he had walked her back to her room, she wanted to kiss him. She didn't say that, but that's what was basically revealed.

It's really hard standing there next to someone you really like and watching someone else hug her and be close with her. And while I may not really have any real right to be jealous, considering I've only known her for a week, it's hard not to be. I'm jealous of the fact that for one, he has the confidence to actually make a move and actually be bold with his intentions. I'm jealous of the fact that it looks like Cat likes him back, which I guess is the hardest thing to not be jealous of because I am nothing like him and really, I don't want to be either.

We stood outside the Bouverie for about 20 minutes talking. Well, I kind of just stood there slowly feeling more and more shit as I watched this guy being close with Cat. She wasn't exactly returning the affection, but was certainly not pushing him away either. Basically, it wasn't hard to tell that she probably fancies him back. Couple that with the fact that Kerry too has found a guy and it makes me wonder why I have yet to find anyone. Makes me wonder why I have yet to find anyone regardless of where I am; Liverpool or Chester. It makes me feel shit that I'm this quiet guy who doesn't like being wild and crazy and really forward and yet it seems that that's what so many girls want. I'm not like that and I don't particularly want to be like that either. I have learnt to become happier with myself over the last few years than ever before and I don't want to change myself into what everyone else may be. Yet, at the same time, by not, look where it's getting me.

After 20 minutes of standing there being pretty much silent and, as I say, starting to feel more and more jealous and shit, I said that I would make my exit and said goodbye to them before walking off home on my own. In the background, I heard the guy say something along the lines of "It must be so shit that". He was referring to me standing there watching he and Cat being close and Kerry and Peter being close. And he's right, it was shit.

I have nothing against the guy himself because he seems like your average 18/19 year old guy. But it's hard not to hate the fact that he has apparantly managed to get the girl that I would like to be with. It's horrible. I guess I feel...rejected. No, perhaps not rejected, but inadequate? Something. I don't know.

So, as I said, I walked back home on my own, thinking about how it would be so nice if for once, someone could like me instead. I have been really happy all of last week and all of today for the most part but seeing Cat and that guy together just tied my stomach up in knots.

I thought about maybe telling Kerry that I fancy her but that's probably a bad idea since I'm sure she'd just tell Cat anyway. They are best friends so I'm sure even if I asked Kerry to keep it a secret, she'd tell her anyway. But I just had/feel the need to tell someone. I guess the only one I can tell is you; My diary. My readers.

Tomorrow is a fairly easy day. 1pm until 3:45pm. But really, I should start getting into the habit of doing work before and after these classes as well, since I'm going to need to do a hell of a lot of it in order to succeed.

In addition, tomorrow, Gulu said that he's going to see Mark Shone about all of the problems that we want to complain about while living here. I said I'd go with him. There are a lot.

So, off to bed I go, feeling alone and a little empty. I do hope this is not an ongoing thing.