Yesterday afternoon, I called her. And called her. I called her about four times in total and she didn't pick up. I text her, as I was leaving college, saying that I had to go home because she hadn't picked up and arranged a time to meet with me. I was both disappointed and kind of annoyed. I had told her I'd be calling her and I'd also text her in the morning, saying that I'd call her in the afternoon.
I was pretty damn tired once I got home, but talked to Hannah first online.
[17:44:48] Neil: Why didn't you answer your phone?
[17:45:02] it was an honest mistake.: when?
[17:45:53] Neil: I called you all afternoon and you didn't pick up. I text you as well, telling you that since you weren't picking up, I had to go home instead of meeting you like you said you wanted to.
[17:46:28] it was an honest mistake.: my phones downstairs :S
[17:46:42] it was an honest mistake.: i just totally forgot about meeting.
That in itself is no big deal, but it's been so difficult to meet her since I've known her. She doesn't really show that much interest, yet says she really likes me. It's a contradiction and it plays with my head far too much.
[17:51:01] Neil: It feels like you're not really that bothered about us seeing each other. Feels like I'm doing all of the work. If you forgot that we were meeting, then maybe it's not really that important to you. I was thinking about you all of today, looking forward to meeting you.
[17:53:55] it was an honest mistake.: you always make me feel bad, i said i was sory and i am bothered yes ... but i didnt even say i was defo meeting you cos i felt like crap and i still do. I have tried to look forward to seeig you today but i just couldnt because of the mood i was in .. so again im sorry for being a complete bitch im just going through a horrible phrase right now and the last thing i need is to feel guilty about stuff. It is so important to me to see you but no your right you are doing all the work - because im not really in the mood for going out and things. I dont know whats wrong with me and i so hopw i feel better soon.
And then of course I felt bad, but as Corrie said:
[18:19:03] Why did the lion get lost? Because the junglist massive: DUH
[18:19:07] Why did the lion get lost? Because the junglist massive: You were talking about it last night
[18:19:12] Neil: Yeah, we were
And, as I said, this isn't the first time that she's been so damn difficult just to be with.
[17:56:20] Neil: I really like you, but this just feels so hard. It shouldn't be this hard.
[17:56:57] it was an honest mistake.: it only feels like that because im making it hard.
[17:57:03] it was an honest mistake.: im just not myself lately ..
[17:57:50] it was an honest mistake.: as soon as im feeling better and im out of this state then it should be fine.
That unfortunately is just an excuse because she's made so many already. Money was the first one, then it was the fact that she was busy at college (she goes less than me and I only go three times a week!). Excuses are fine, but if you make enough of them, then the will to keep being interested when you're not getting any interest back is really really hard.
[18:00:19] it was an honest mistake.: its upto you.
[18:01:09] Neil: But it's not. It's up to you. I'm doing everything I can to show you that I'm interested in you and that I want you and that I want to actually see you and be with you but it's not getting us anywhere.
[18:02:37] it was an honest mistake.: yes and i knwo you are but if im feeling like this im not gonna go out with you because i wouldnt be comfortable.
And, like I said, there's that. She doesn't want commitment. But as I also said, right now there isn't even any dates because she just won't meet me, even though she apparantly likes me.
[18:18:26] it was an honest mistake.: im a bitch i dont deserve you.
[18:19:00] Neil: You're not a bitch. But man, you're making this so much harder than it has to be. I just wanted you...us...to be happy.
[18:19:48] it was an honest mistake.: but i cant do the "us".
[18:20:10] it was an honest mistake.: not yet .. i just feel scared and everything when i think about it
[18:21:41] Neil: You can't even do dating though...I've tried being patient and I'm willing to just see each other and not have commitment for now...but we've seen each other twice so far. Twice. That's not much.
[18:22:49] it was an honest mistake.: i know i cant .. because when i think about it i tell myself no/
[18:22:54] it was an honest mistake.: and i just cant.
[18:23:06] it was an honest mistake.: i dont know what it is .. maybe im not even ready for dating i dont know .
[18:24:25] Neil: Then I guess that means that we're not going to see each other again any time soon if you're not ready to.
[18:28:29] i try not to think about the pain inside.: no suppose not
[18:30:48] Neil: You got my hopes up that I'd found someone who I could be with lots. Someone to make happy. Feels like that's pretty much not going to happen now.
[18:31:14] i try not to think about the pain inside.: i didnt get your hopes up ..
[18:31:32] i try not to think about the pain inside.: and im not saying nothing is gonna happen ... im just saying its not right now.
[18:31:41] Neil: *sigh* ok
[18:32:11] i try not to think about the pain inside.: im sorry but i cant
[18:32:52] i try not to think about the pain inside.: and yeah im being selfish i know .. but i need to do this.
How can you not get someones hopes up of finding someone who likes you when they've told you so and that they want to be with you lots. To then see me twice and kiss each other so passionately and then not actually see the person for two weeks and counting and then say that she's not ready to even date...
I'd call that getting my hopes up.
When I woke up this morning, I tried to forget about everything once more and start again, but it soon left me disappointed once more.
[12:34:33] Neil: I was going to ask if you wanted to see each other today while it's nice and I'm off college...
[12:35:43] Cinderella .. e�?: that sounds nice .. but what about my job hunting.
[12:37:12] Neil: As in yeah, you're doing hunting. Just a thought. If you want to then we can.
She didn't answer and so I had to prompt her further, asking if she wanted to again. And that's what I mean by feeling like I'm doing all of the work.
[12:46:19] Cinderella .. e�?: yeah i will see if i get enough applications :D
So that made me a little happier. But then it went downhill again.
[12:48:46] Neil: The only problem is that work is going to be done on the Liverpool Loop Line, meaning that all Wirral Line trains will terminate at James Street until the 29th May, meaning that you will have to get a bus from James Street into town if you're ok with that.
[12:51:38] Cinderella .. e�?: :S
And since she didn't say anything after that, I again had to prompt her to talk to me more about it.
[12:57:30] Neil: I guess that's a no. But it also means it's a no for a whole month.
[13:08:19] Cinderella .. e�?: im just not a fan of travelling.
[13:08:23] Cinderella .. e�?: especially on my own
That's fair enough, but she said she's fine with it the previous two times I've met her.
[13:08:40] Neil: So...I can't see you for at least a month then.
[13:09:12] Cinderella .. e�?: you wont be able to see me untill i have a job anyway.
[13:09:43] Cinderella .. e�?: cos i wont have money
[13:10:03] Neil: But you've just said "yeah i will see if i get enough applications".
[13:10:22] Neil: But ok.
[13:10:45] Cinderella .. e�?: before you told me about the train yeah
[13:11:27] Neil: The train replacement bus is free
[13:11:42] Cinderella .. e�?: yeah
She leaves me so confused. First she says that meeting me today sounds nice, then she says that she can't because she doesn't like travelling, then she says that she can't meet for at least two weeks because she has no money, but she said that meeting today sounds good and she'd see if she could later.
Can you see why this is so confusing for me?
Then, since I thought she might mean she had no money for the replacement bus service, I told her it was free, meaning that money wouldn't be a problem and she replies "yeah"? What does yeah mean? Yeah isn't a yes or no. Yeah doesn't explain anything.
I started replying, saying that if it's free, then what's the problem, but I deleted it before I sent it, choosing to just leave it. It's too much hard work, always asking and offering to meet up and never being given the same treatment. I've offered to go see her, meet her in town, and invited her here. She's declined all of the options, yet says she likes me. It's just too hard to keep this up.
After that I closed her message box and just looked at her name on my contact list, wondering if it was worth all of these games. I know she doesn't mean to mess me about, but she is.
I decided to delete her from my contact list.
That's not to say that I don't want to talk to her anymore, but it's just so that I'm not tempted to ask her to meet up again and set myself up for more disappointment. If she wants to talk to me, she knows how to say hello but the fact is, in the month that I've known her, she hasn't ONCE said hello to me. I mean literally once. It's always been me saying hello to her first. So, I wouldn't be surprised if days go past without her talking to me and sadly, I know it will bother me more than it will bother her. And if that's the way things are, then perhaps I was wrong to think that I could have a relationship with this girl.
