I finished college on Monday for Christmas. I'm glad. Having said that, it now means that I have three weeks of not doing anything and being bored and sitting here in this room day in, day out.
I don't think anything is even happening this Christmas in terms of this so called family being together even for one day, Christmas Day.
I bought my nan a Christmas card and a big box of Wine Gums and went round to hers last night. I didn't really know what to buy her. She was getting ready to go out for a meal with some of my family. Family that I personally haven't even seen for god knows how many years. It's crap. Apparantly she's going out for Christmas and New Year's too which is good for her. I wish I had that kind of lineup.
My Nana says that Laura is planning to have a New Year's Eve party here. I'd really like to not be here if she does. Having said that, I'd also like to hold a party here too but after last's year's incidents, people are kind of wary of coming here which makes me sad.
Dave's apparantly the place to go on New Year's Eve. Maybe I'll go there. The only problem with going there though is that because one of two of my friends smoke and his place is quite small, it gets very stuffy, very quickly and it's not such a nice place to be, let alone stay over the night. Besides, I don't know how I'd get back home on New Year's Day. I hope I don't end up just sitting here.
That's what I might be doing on Christmas Day. Sitting here. What a shit way to spend a Christmas.
What I actually want to do is go and volunteer somewhere. You know, maybe help out on a soup line thing for the homeless maybe? I don't really know where I'd do something like that though and even if I did, I have no way of getting there, as all public transport will of course be off on Christmas Day. It'd beat sitting here on my own and I'd feel like I was helping out a little. But I guess it won't happen.
I can't really afford to buy anyone anything in the form of gifts. Not that I have anyone to buy for anyway really. Still, I've decided to give my mum the print of me and Laura as children that was done years ago on a piece of canvas or something. You can see it here. I know it's not much, but at least it's personal and special, right?
Laura on the other hand has bought a lot of gifts for a lot of people. They're all in my mum's room, wrapped up with little gift tags on them, all saying the same thing. "To ___, all the best", they say. I don't really call that a personal gift. Sure, I'm sure it cost a lot of money to buy whatever and wrap it up, but is there really any feeling in giving it to someone? I would love to be surrounded by people who don't think money is everything and that out of all of the times in the year, Christmas is not about buying someone something expensive. It's not even about buying someone something at all. It's about coming together as a family or friends and for those two or three weeks surrounding Christmas, a time when maybe, you can feel a bit festive and happier. But of course it doesn't work like that. And so, people excuse this by buying expensive gifts for each other and writing the same thing on gift tags and Christmas cards over and over again with little heartfelt meaning.
Or maybe I just envy the fact that Laura does have the money to spend on all of those things and the fact that she has lots of people to give things to and I don't. I don't know.
My Christmases get worse each year. This may be just another year where it gets that little bit worse.
Brian, my tutor asked me what I was getting for Christmas and if I was doing anything nice. Nothing/nothing was the answer. I don't think I'll be getting anything from anyone, nor will I be doing anything. The whole giving me gifts thing is something I'm not bothered about but not doing anything and just sitting here all of Christmas Day (Or rather, sleeping it away) makes me sad.
If my mum does give me anything it'll probably be money. I hate the fact that if she does, I won't be able to resist the temptation to take it because I need all of the money I can get to survive. I was about to write that maybe I could donate it to charity instead, but if I'm being realistic, I know that probably won't happen because I need it myself.
After I had seen Ann Danes, the woman at student services who helped me out with the financial difficulties of getting to college, they sent me a letter saying that I'd be entitled to �200 and they'd send me a cheque for it. So far no check and that was three weeks ago. Maybe it'll come in the New Year. That will help me out a lot for next term.
Over these Christmas holidays, I'm going to have to begin work on my college project because it's going nowhere right now and I still have a hell of a lot of work to do on it. I also have other things that I'd like to work on over Christmas while I have the time.
'Tis the season to be jolly?...
