Nothing much happened over the weekend so I'll skip forward to my day in college on Monday. Having said that, nothing much happened then either. Just another normal college day.
Tuesday I somehow managed to get up at 9am and was all set to go out and get my shopping, but by 10am, I had a migraine and it forced me back to bed until around 7pm. This also meant that I found it incredibly hard to get to sleep that night and in the end, I only ended up getting an hours sleep, from 5am until 6am and then I had to get up for college.
I felt quite fine though, considering. I felt vaguely content for once throughout the morning. However, that all changed, when I saw Jamie at lunch.
About a week ago, Patrick, one of my gay friends had messaged me on MSN:
[18:35:36] Patrick: i've seen you some where that i did mot expect to see you anagog
[18:35:43] Patrick: *not
[18:35:51] The Tech Commandments - I. Thou shalt back up.: Hmm?
[18:36:39] Patrick: well i cas crusing through a certain web site and saw you had a profile there
[18:36:49] The Tech Commandments - I. Thou shalt back up.: Where?
[18:37:19] Patrick: gaydar?
[18:37:44] The Tech Commandments - I. Thou shalt back up.: Oh yeah, made one on there about six years ago or something.
That felt a little worrying for about five seconds. The fact that he'd found my profile on there, I mean. But after those five seconds were up, I shrugged it off. It's no big deal. I trusted that he'd keep it to himself.
However, on Wednesday when I saw Jamie, he was looking at me very strange and I knew straight away that he knew. It made me angry at Patrick, but before I could say anything to Patrick, he had already left. I pretended I didn't know why Jamie was looking at me the way that he was. In the end though, he told me why he was looking at me strange and it was of course the fact that he now knew I had a profile on Gaydar. I explained to him that it was quite a few years ago and generally tried to assert my sexuality to him because I don't really feel even bicurious anymore.
Jamie being Jamie, he likes to make a joke about everything and he made this into a joke too. I know he wasn't trying to be horrible or insulting, but still, he kept pushing it and it was beginning to offend me. "Jamie, just shut up about it, otherwise I'll just walk away", I said to him. But he didn't really do so.
Later on, I asked him who had told him about the profile and he said Rob. I don't know Rob very well. I've only met him once or twice but when I next see him, I'm going to have to talk to him. I think it's so disrespectful of him to just decide to tell whoever about it without thinking of what I'll feel like.
So, because I was now angry at both Rob and now Jamie for joking about it a bit too much, my mood dropped from content, to annoyed and depressed in the space of about 20 minutes. Me and Jamie walked about talking, but he was now pissing me off. It took another 15 minutes or so before he realised that he'd really offended me and then he tried to rationalise the jokes and that he didn't mean anything by it. I know he doesn't, but it still offends me. Maybe I'm overly sensitive too, so he should know that.
I went back to class at 1pm feeling pretty crap. I tried my best to get on with whatever work I had to do but by 2pm, I felt very very shit. Extremely depressed. I just wanted to go home. Brian came over and asked if everything was ok and I said no and that I suffer from depression and that I just felt crap. 30 minutes later, I decided that I didn't want to sit there no more and so I went home early.
At home, I saw the beginning of a pile of dishes forming. All Laura's. She doesn't clean anything, instead leaving it for days on end. It's disgusting. She makes this house so much more messier than it needs to be sometimes.
She didn't move her stuff by the end of the day and so there was a pile of dishes by the sink, just sitting there because she had been too lazy to do anything about them.
Thursday came and I went to do my shopping. Laura was off work so I had hoped that she'd be tidying her mess up. But, not only were there now more dishes at the sink which she had not bothered to wash, but she had spread her mess to the bathroom, where there was talc all over the bathroom floor. I'm confused. Is it that she can't see that's she's spilt it all over the floor or something? What prevents her from cleaning it up!?
It's disgusting how she is leaving her mess.
Around 5pm, I heard her go out and I assumed it was to my Nan's because my mum was apparantly around there. I was planning to go round at 7pm. She came back around at about 6pm and I thought that perhaps she'd finally move everything she had used but no. It still lay there. By 7pm, I couldn't really stand living in such shit anymore and as I walked out the door, I asked her to clean up her stuff in the kitchen. She didn't reply. I walked out of the house and went round to my Nan's.
She's a lot better now and she can move a little easier. It still hurts her getting up and down, but she can move around a bit better once she's up. I spent about two hours there with her.
"The house is rotten", I said to her, referring to mine.
"I believe so", she said, "your mum's just had a go at Laura for it. "How am I supposed to clean up if I'm at work all day?" she said, but how do other people do it? Other people are at work all day as well. So your mum has told her."
"It's disgusting. I mean, I don't like living in shit. I'm not as meticulous as my mum, but I don't like living in shit."
"I didn't have much to say to her really", my Nan said, "She only came because your mum was here. She hasn't been to see me once since I fell. You'd think she could at least call me, you know what I mean? Hasn't got time", she continued, saying how Laura had said that.
I left my Nan's at just before 9pm and returned home where I saw Laura coming out of the kitchen, after cleaning it. She had moved all of her dishes and wiped the work surfaces. I was glad.
However, upon closer inspection, I felt bemused. Yes, she had washed all of her plates, but by no means had she cleaned them. Seriously, the plates still looked dirty. There were big streak marks across the plates where the dirt still lay, along with things still stuck to the plate. I was amazed. How can you wash a dish and yet leave it dirty?
I knew that if I left them, they'd simply go back in the cupboard like that because she certainly wasn't about to clean them again and I know that if I asked her to, she'd just moan at me for it. "I've already cleaned them!", etc. So, I did them myself, reluctantly.
Then, I went upstairs to find that while she had moved most of the talc from the floor, you could easily see where she hadn't bothered to move the mat or actually put the mat itself in the wash, as there was still talc all over it and by it. All she had done was move the most visible stuff, but left anything else. It's just laziness and it makes this house horrible. And I have to live here.
Today (Friday), was rather boring in college. The morning went ok, completed the work I had to do for Carl in my sound lesson with about 40 minutes to spare. I mostly sat there bored then. My lunch was spent on my own as usual, as I didn't feel like talking to Jamie just yet and going to find him in his class. Instead, I went to sit in the library for a bit and look at a few of the new books in there.
The afternoon lesson was boring. Brian just wanted to talk to us about how the projection went yesterday. Since it was a Thursday yesterday, it meant that no one actually saw it as we're not even in then. I wasn't really happy with what got produced in the end because a lot of it looks really amateur, most certainly mine included. I wasn't happy with what I produced. I certainly wasn't happy with what John had produced because all he had done was slap a pre-made filter onto the video and that's it. Everyone else had taken the time to do some nice transitions and effects over the course of the 30 seconds they had. He on the other hand, just had one effect over the entire duration of the film. It looked very boring.
We have to give a presentation on it next week too.
The afternoon lesson was also spent watching some stop motion animation films from the 1930's by an artist whose name I can't remember. They were quite impressive, except one that went one for around ten minutes and consisted of nothing more than seeing multiple circles drawn over and over and over again.
From 3pm until 4pm, we now have a maths lesson. It's part of the key skills we have to cover. I'm really bad at maths these days. I used to love it and be good at it.
It was basically a small exam for the afternoon. A booklet, containing 40 questions. All we had to do was get 22 right. By 3:40pm I was finished and felt happy with how I had done, but that's never been a good sign. I got 26 right in total. Disappointing. It just goes to show how bad I am at maths. I would have been happy with 30 or more, but 26 is unacceptable in my eyes, even if it's above the pass mark. The woman who gave us the test said that she'd go over the questions that I/anyone else got wrong next week.
Once back at home, I felt pretty tired. I went to bed at 6pm and didn't wake up again until 4am. I've just been downstairs to make myself a drink, to find the same bowl and cup that Laura had used this morning which, again, she hasn't bothered moving and actually cleaning. If my mum was here, she wouldn't be like this. I don't see why she has to be now.
