Meh. My mum made me feel so shit yesterday. She is making me do something that I'm very uncomfortable with and very wrong. I've expressed my uneasiness about it many many times, but all I get is ten minutes of her shouting at me and the "conversation" always comes back to the fact that she thinks I don't do anything around the house. Whether I do or not is besides the point however concerning this matter as it doesn't relate to it.

She basically made me feel very shit and always has a way of resuming all of that low self confidence in me that I try so hard to overcome.

Of course, if you were to ever try to talk to her about this, you'd be met with her arguing with you, about one thing or another and basically, she'd try and tell you she was right and you were wrong. James Riley was proof of this, when she went with me to see him one day and he could hardly get a word in because all she did was talk/shout/argue. I can still remember his face as she walked out of the room at the end of the hour, then me, and him behind me. I turned to him for a moment, to see his eyes widen for a second and him blow air our of his cheeks as if to say "...god I'm thankful that's over with".

He's lucky. He didn't have to go home with her.

I really could not be arsed with her having a go at me this time, however and I got angry and for the first time in a very very long time I shouted back. This was such a wrong move though. It always is. This is what she feeds on. You shout at her, she shouts back, you shout louder, she shouts louder and so forth. The best way is to simply remain quiet and let her have a go at you and let her think she's had her say and leave it at that. But sometimes it's so hard to do that. It's horrible having your own mum make you feel so crap.

For most of the night I felt shit after that.

Yesterday she went to Gary's which I was thankful of. I don't think she'll be back until Sunday possibly.

I was thinking towards the end of the night. I was thinking that I want to give her back the �1000 she gave me. I don't want her money. And then I thought, the truth is that I need it. I need it to help me through college. I so very much want to give it her back though. It frustrates me that I'm in need of it that much that I can't.

Tonight I've not done anything but sit here and talk to people online and watch Scrubs and Big Brother. I also watched Paycheck which was a bit crap. Today, I did/do plan to go and watch Kingdom of Heaven at the cinema, but I doubt I will. It'd be nice to have someone to go with, but I don't have anyone.