Monday, I went to see Hana. The trip down there went over incredibly quick (3:20hrs), as I was extremely tired and tried desperately to get to sleep on the train, which proved impossible. Once I got into London however, I felt ok.
I met Hana and gave her a hug, before we made our way through the station and onto the tube. She wanted to take me on the London Eye and go the Tate Modern. She said that the London Eye cost �9! I was quite pleased when we discovered that since it was bank holiday and it was a nice day, that there was a huge queue and we decided not to go on it.
We walked onto the Tate Modern, stopping along the way at various entertainers along the walkway. Of particular note was this guy, who looked as if he was made out of stone. He didn't move at all. He didn't even blink. Very talented.
We also saw a guy singing "I can see clearly now the rain has gone...", while these two guys danced as if they were 70's popstars.
The Tate Modern is a great building. I could of took tons of pictures just of the outside and the entrance hall, which looked quite amazing when you're standing inside it.
Some of the art in there was quite good, some not so good. My feet were tired and I was tired, so I wasn't really appreciating it as much as I should do.
After staying in there for about 90 minutes, we went back to Hana's and I said hi to her mum, who had made us both dinner. After that, we watched Bill Bailey - Part Troll. He's very, very funny.
Since I was so tired, I found it pretty easy to get to sleep that night and the next morning, found myself waking up at 10:30am quite naturally.
Tuesday we went to Camden market, which I compared to a giant sized Quiggins, only on a town scale. Loads of shops selling alternative culture things. There wasn't really that much that interested me there, but Hana enjoyed looking around.
We watched Leon that night. Good film. We also watched a film called Walkabout, which was a bit weird.
Wednesday was when I was due to go back. I said thanks to her mum for letting me stay and then we made our way back to the station via the tube. The tube is such a depressing place. Everyone looks depressed and no one talks either.
I gave Hana a hug goodbye then set off on my journey back to Liverpool, which again, flew by really.
When I got home, I was pleased to see that the books I had ordered for Claire's birthday present had come. Sadly though, after speaking to Jen that night about her painting me a picture for Claire, she had said that she hadn't had time to do it so I was glad that I had bought the books. That leads me onto tonight.
Tonight I went out with Claire and her friends to the pub to celebrate her birthday which was on Thursday. I've been really dreading it, rather than looking forward to it because I know that once I see her, all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and give her a kiss.
Just before I caught the train to town, when I got out of the cab, there was a group of girls standing outside the station. As I walked past them, one of them immediatly came up to me. "Ohh you're sexy you!", she said, stroking my arm softly and in a friendly way. She noticed that I was also carrying a package with "Happy Birthday! 21" wrapping paper on it and she asked if I was my birthday. I said no and she said "Well tell your friend happy birthday for me". It made me smile for a bit as I walked into the station.
I got there at 8:10pm and she arrived shortly afterwards, looking gorgeous and my heart both sunk and rose at the same time, thinking about how beautiful she looked and how she wasn't mine. I gave her a hug then her card and her gift, before we continued onto the pub together where her other mates were waiting. On the way there, she linked her arm with mine and I didn't know what to do about that really. It was simply confusing so I did nothing.
Just outside the pub, Claire met one of her friends and they began chatting to each other. After quite some time, Claire's friend introduced the guy she was with. "This is my boyfriend", she said, to which Claire replied "This is Neil, my friend". It sounded wrong. I want the title of boyfriend.
Sarah, one of the people who would be joining Claire for her night out arrived in a taxi as Claire and that other girl were talking. The two of them said goodbye to us three and we went inside.
Inside the pub it was quite loud, busy and dark. Claire had said that some of her friends were sitting at a table already and we went over to find them, before we all sat down.
Claire opened up her card that I'd given her. It was actually a 70th birthday card as a joke and inside I'd written a dumb limerick. After she'd read it though, she laughed a lot and loved it, getting up to hug me. She then opened up her present and I'd been looking forward to seeing her reaction to it since I'd bought it. She unwrapped it carefully and then took the books out and looked at them. She kind of opened her mouth slightly in subtle shock, before turning to me and saying how nice it was of me to get them and then she got up again and gave me a longer hug, before kissing me. On the lips. ...what the fuck? It was a friendly kiss, not a girlfriend kiss, but it confused the hell out of me. I knew she was just showing her appreciation for it, but I felt kind of uncomfortable with her doing it, but of course, by the time she had done it it wasn't like I could do anything about it. Still, I was really really glad she liked the books.
I asked if anyone wanted a drink, before asking Claire if she'd help me get them and I asked her what did she think of the books. She said they were great, turning to me and going to kiss me on the lips again, but I seen it coming and turned me head slightly so she kissed the corner of my mouth instead. Again, confusing.
I took pictures throughout the night of the people who were there. There weren't as many as Claire thought there'd be. There was me, her, Emma, Sarah, Julian and Laura. My eyes were pretty much always on Claire at one point or another, just wishing how much I could put my arm around her. You have no idea how hard it was.
About 9pm, I began wondering how this actually affects any other chances with girls I might have in the near future and how would I actually pursue it, when right now, the best girl I've ever been with is Claire. I began thinking about how someone else would only seem like second best right now and that wouldn't be fair on them or me. I began thinking this because I was attracted to Sarah a little and throughout the night, I kept looking over at her. To begin with, it was just me quickly glancing at her, but then I noticed her looking back at me. I'm definitely no good when it comes to figuring out whether someone actually likes me, but I got the feeling that she did. We even smiled at each other once or twice. But, while this was going on, Claire was still there in the front of my mind.
I actually felt that I could be confident enough to ask Sarah for her phone number and I'm actually kind of confident I would of got it too. I didn't ask for it though. Why? Because whenever I thought of doing so, my reason for not was Claire and how me getting with someone else means that there's less chance of me getting with Claire again.
[19:20:06] www.theworkof.co.uk: But she's going to look gorgeous and I'm not going be able to cuddle her or kiss her
[19:20:19] bite my shiny metal ass: your fucked up
And they're probably right. That was someone replying to how I feel about Claire. I feel like I am fucked up when it comes to this. As I say, I pretty much know that I could have gotten Sarah's number and probably have a date with her at some point or another, but I felt that by doing that, I'd lose any chance of going out with Claire again and so I chose not to. Fucked up.
I took pictures of them throughout the night. It passed the time. I was kind of bored really. I was kind of sad. I was also that little bit more sad when Claire told me that she had just been told that some guy at the bar liked her, but how it didn't matter anyway because she doesn't want anybody right now.
I didn't say much throughout the night really, leaving the talking to the rest of them, just sitting and watching, glancing over once in a while at Sarah.
I only had one drink throughout the night. I did think about having a few and getting myself at least a little bit tipsy to make me more communicative, but I decided against it because I thought it might make me a bit too easy going and I'd end up saying things to Claire or doing things that I'd regret, so I stayed very much sober.
We all left around 11pm. They were all going to go the Krazy House, but I was going home. Some of them needed to get cash out of the cash machine in the station. I met Abigail just on the way out of there and said hi.
Once they were all ready to go to the Krazy House, I gave Claire a hug. A long hug. I was tempted to kiss her forehead as I had done so the last time I met her, but I resisted. I also gave everyone else a hug, including Julian. I gave Sarah a hug and perhaps in retrospect, it would of been nice to whisper in her ear that I thought she was nice. Regardless though, my attraction to her was purely physical so it didn't really bother me much.
And so I caught the train home feeling kind of deflated. People keep asking me why do I do it? Why am I still even talking to Claire if it makes me feel so bad? I know. I know I'm a fucking fool. I'm a naieve fool at that. There is such a strong (and stupid, no doubt) part of me and my heart that wants and hopes that in a couple of months time, Claire will want to get back with me. I'm a rational person though. My rationality is having such a hard time with this, because I know that hope isn't looking too good and in the meantime, I'm only hurting myself more by doing things such as going out with her and I'm hurting myself because I think it will be for the best in the long run, when really, it's probably making me feel a lot worse than if I had simply stopped talking to her a month ago.
God I wish...I wish there was something I could do. You know, something to make her see that having me in her life would be such a good thing. I don't know how else to prove to her that I can make her happy and that I can make her laugh and care for her and that even after a month, she's still the only one who I'm at all bothered about on any serious level. I hate this.
She's probably in the Krazy House right now. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she ends up kissing someone in there. The thought of it makes me feel ill.
