College was thankfully an easy day yesterday. Bronek was off sick, which meant for most of the morning, I was simply sat in front of my computer researching, as opposed to doing a one minute video, speaking to camera which I was in no mood for. I was feeling shit. It showed too. I was in no mood to hide it either.
At one point I passed Louise, my former photography tutor in the corridoor. I say hello to her whenever I pass her, just like I did then.
"Oh hi Neil", she said, before passing each other, but as she did, she held my arm for a moment gently.
"Are you ok?", she asked.
"Yeah", I replied and continued walking, only to begin thinking about how it was the only answer I could possibly give, since it's not her job, nor is it any of her concern how I truly feel. And there's nothing she can do to help me. So I said I was ok.
I spent my lunch in the library, reading up on book design, before I had Tony's lesson. It was fairly straight forward. I just had to illustrate two haikus and create a face out of a font. For example, using an O for the shape of the face, or ) for a smile.
I saw Jamie in the corridoor and talked to him for ten minutes. He asked how I was and I told him I was feeling shit.
"Dude you need to stop talking to that bitch"
"She's not a.."
"She's made you feel like this and you're still talking to her? Why?"
"I...dunno. She's just special to me. She made me feel so happy and alive and...I don't want to lose that? Even if she's just my friend", I said. I felt strangely at ease talking to him about how I felt.
"I know I'm probably being a fool though", I continued, "and that in a few months I won't get the chance to go out with her again"
"Months", he replied, "Man, that's not good"
"Yeah"
And yes, I probably am being foolish and naive to be so optimistic about it. I'm trying desperately to not be, but it's hard when you're still talking to the person who you're trying to get over.
Sadly, there may be something that will ironically help me not talk to her and it's worrying me.
Claire said this tonight:
[00:09:34] Carpe Diem Baby (K) Taking a vow of poverty, and not by choice!: TNG, erm, star treks etc, erm, teh invisble man was good! LOADSA stuff really but I dont get to watch it anymore and Dads getting the internet n cable switched off so :'(
[00:10:14] If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?: Getting rid of the internet? How the fuck am I supposed to keep in touch like we do now? :| *is worried*
[00:11:53] Carpe Diem Baby (K) Taking a vow of poverty, and not by choice!: You got my phone number
[00:12:00] If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?: You know it's not the same though.
[00:12:15] Carpe Diem Baby (K) Taking a vow of poverty, and not by choice!: *shrugs* its one of those things
[00:12:56] If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?: Not like I can even see you every day. I don't want to lose touch with you.
[00:14:12] If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?: When are you getting rid of it?
[00:15:05] Carpe Diem Baby (K) Taking a vow of poverty, and not by choice!: *shrugs* soon I guess
[00:19:59] If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?: Could of told me :(
Just me, or was I more concerned about not being able to talk to her than she was about talking to me? To me it seemed as if she wasn't bothered. And I felt hurt that she just happened to mention this in passing, when if it were me who were getting rid of the internet, I'd make sure everyone I cared about on here knew about it.
She says I still mean a lot to her, but I guess I don't feel it. And if she does lose the internet, then I know that no matter what she says, we will lose touch with each other. Yes, there is the phone, but at most, that would be a quick ten minute call and most of it would be silence, as opposed to on here, where we can talk for hours if both of us wanted.
I'm trying my hardest to see her as a friend, but it seems as if I may not even be able to have her as that soon. And to me, it seems as if that matters more to me than her. Things like that make me lean towards the fact that no, I probably won't get her back in my life. Not like I want her.
And so I'm me again. Lonely, sad, hurt and rejected. All I can think about is how much I KNOW we would be great together because we were. And I'm dreading the day when she chooses to mention - again in passing, no doubt - "Oh by the way, I have a boyfriend", and my heart will feel just that little bit more broken.
