I ws speaking to my mum last night about the whole situation with him and Laura.
"I..", she said, stopping in her tracks. "No, I can't"
"Go on", I said.
"I know, that you have a diary, don't you?", she asked. I remained silent. "I know you do", she said. "Well, he [referring to Chris] reads it."
I've always suspected that he did/does but because I've never had any proof, I've always brushed it aside and written whatever, as usual. But the confirmation from my mum that he does was enough to heighten my guard a little and lock my diary for the time being, as I don't want that bastard reading my personal thoughts. As I said, it probably won't be locked forever, but I'm sad that those of you who are reading this, will be the only ones reading it. That is to say, because I've locked it, it means no one from "off the street" can read it and I liked that about my diary.
I have three options in total that I can do to rememdy this problem. Keep it locked, move it or keep writing as normal. I really want to keep writing, just to say a big FUCK YOU to Chris, since he can't stop me saying anything I fucking want about him or anything. But at the same time, I don't really want him reading about my life. My sex life, my loves, passions, fears. Everything. I think Deborah summed it up quite well.
[19:59:42] Deborah: online diaries are good because you're writing to a bunch of people who aren't family; who are friends - but not so close as for it to be uncomfortable, and you can find people who empathise, or whatever
[19:59:48] Deborah: people who have things in common with you
[19:59:51] Neil: Just because it's on a computer, rather than in a paper diary, they think it's ok to read it.
[20:00:17] Deborah: but that's the thing - it might be 'public', but you don't imagine that your family'd be reading it
[20:00:36] Neil: Laura's/Mum's argument however, would be that I'm writing about them and people are reading it and therefore it becomes their business.
[20:02:13] Deborah: but it's not - sometimes you need catharsis - to purge everything. and if it shows them in a bad light, so what? maybe they acted wrongly. maybe they were having a bad day. it'll reveal how they actually ARE, as a whole - when you've mentioned them positively, in other ways. you're not exactly commenting on something they've not done; it all happened - and if they're not happy with it, then they
[20:02:26] Deborah: should change the way they behave, instead of saying 'OMG, NEIL TOLD EVERYONE I SAID THAT'
[20:02:41] Deborah: if there's that sort of response, then maybe they shouldn't have said it in the first place.
[20:03:34] Deborah: and yeah, maybe you've slagged htem once or twice, or written something personal - something THEY said in the heat of the moment and didn't mean, but your audience is people they're probably never going to meet.
[20:03:56] Neil: I think if my diary was full of praise for both of them, they wouldn't be arsed, but because it has good and bad things in, they are. And I never do actually exagerrate anything (though of course perhaps I'm not the best judge to judge my own feelings externally). I just tell it like it is, as best as I can, without trying to be too biased.
[20:04:16] Deborah: ask them if everything that they've said about you to other people, ever - is your business...
[20:04:43] Deborah: the only difference is is that yours is written down on paper
She's right. I'll just have to think a bit harder about what I want to do. I've emailed Andrew too, the creator of Diaryland to see if there's any way of moving all of my entries to another diary and I'll pay for the effort involved. He's not replied yet.
I'll move onto some better news now though. It's graphic though, so you know, be warned.
Yesterday, I met up with Mandy. We had planned on going the pictures, but had also said that if my mum was out that we'd come back to mine instead and that's what we did.
I went to bed on Tuesday night at about 5am and woke at 12pm, leaving me 45 minutes to get ready to meet her at 1:30pm in town. I did so and she was waiting where I'd told her to wait, which meant that less than (literally) one minute after I'd got off the train, I was back on it with Mandy.
We talked for a bit on the train or rather she did most of it. I was feeling pretty tired and just plain untalkative like I usually am, whereas she is very much a talkative person.
After twenty minutes on the train, we got a cab to mine In the cab, she gave me �40 for her share of the broken bed. I said I felt shit taking it, but she absolutely insisted. As we neared mine, she then offered to pay for the cab and I said it was ok, but she produced �10 and said she wanted to pay for it and handed me the �10. I said that she shouldn't have to pay, but she was very insistent so I let her after much argument.
We went up to my bedroom together and I put some music on. Before laying on my bed as she sat in my chair. She wanted to put some different music on and I explained how to do it, but she couldn't do it so I got up and done it instead, and she scuttled over to the bed to lay down instead. I joined her shortly after I'd switched the music.
She cuddled up to me as if it was the most natural thing to do and it did indeed feel really nice to have that closeness with someone, even if it was only physical, not emotional. I had my arm stretched out underneath her neck and she was almost resting her head on my chest, while one of her arms was laid across it.
I had my eyes closed for the time we were like that. I was both tired and well, when you're laying on a bed, it's the thing to do. Suddenly, I felt her lips on mine. It was unexpected, but not unwanted and the kiss lasted as I used my free hand to caress her body. It was at this point that I could feel myself getting very hard, but I didn't say anything to her. After about 15 minutes of kissing though, she finally got the courage to put her hand there and rub my cock through my pants and it felt so very nice. It's been a long time since someone has wanted to do it. She tried to put her hand inside my pants, but found that she couldn't unbutton my fly, so she went back to rubbing my groin instead, before moving her hand away totally. I decided to unbutton it for her and unzip my fly slightly to let her do what she wanted to do and a few seconds after I had, she slid her hand into my pants and my boxers and began stroking my cock.
Wow, it's been such a long time since I'd been in that kind of situation. It felt so good. Relaxing. Relieving. The fact that she was doing it of her own accord and I hadn't said a thing to her about doing it was a turn on as well. I love it when there are no need for words.
I continued kissing her as she stroked my cock, running my hand up and down her back and finally, around to her front to feel one of her tits, before asking her to take her top off, which she happily did, leaving her in her bra. I took my top off too and I asked her to take her bra off. She said "No, you can" and I reached round with one hand and undone it, before she slipped it off, leaving her topless. My hand went to one of her breasts once more, squeezing gently as she continued stroking my cock. She began rubbing my balls too after a while which I really, really love, so it made it feel all the better.
After she had started to get me very, very horny, I asked her if she'd give me a blowjob and she slide down my body to my cock, almost eagerly, and kissed and licked the length of it. It felt pretty damn good. She had never done it before, but she was definitely doing good things. She also licked my balls, which is one of the best things, before taking the head into her mouth and sucking slowly, although since she was new at it, she used her teeth way too much and it was kind of painful rather than pleasurable after a while so I said she could give me a wank instead. I could of laid there all day.
I was worried that maybe she was getting bored though and perhaps because she was new and didn't know how to do it and because I was worried she was getting bored, I found it hard to cum while she was doing it so I asked if I could cum in her mouth to which she replied "if that's what you want". I stood up and she knelt in front of me as I wanked in front of her, before sliding my cock in her mouth and cumming. She swallowed too.
She stood up and we kissed. I wasn't really into that though, because I could still kind of taste my own cum in her mouth, which was a bit nasty. God only knows how she managed to swallow it and not even cringe, especially when it was her first time.
I asked her if she wanted a drink, but she said she was fine. I did though, so I went to get one, and then she said that yes, she would have one. I return with the drinks and we lay on the bed together, just kissing lots and caressing for another hour or so. While of course, kissing is a very nice thing, she kept using her teeth instead of her lips to kiss and it was kind of like my lips were being eaten by her. My lips were kind of getting sore.
It was coming up to 4:30pm by now and I knew that my mum or Laura would be home soon so we had agreed that she'd go around 5pm. We were going to go see a film instead of leaving it at that, but there was nothing good on, plus I was tired and couldn't be bothered going all the way back to town and then all the way back home once more.
Before she went, since we had been kissing lots, she had got me horny again and I asked if she'd get me off. Eventually, she said yes and she gave me another wank, though again, she couldn't get me to cum so I done it for a while while we kissed and then as I was about to cum, I asked her to do it and it felt great.
She left around 5pm and we said we'd text each other and/or talk to each other online. After she had left, I looked at myself in the mirror, almost confused about what had just happened. "Wow", I said out loud.
I called her about 15 minutes later to make sure she got on the train ok and she had. My mum and Laura came back about an hour later.
A fun few hours. She said she wants to repeat it some time as well. I felt guilty not being able to return the favour to her, but she was on her period so it was a no go area and she said she wasn't bothered anyway. I believe her too, because apparantly, she had never had an orgasm, nor does she masturbate so that means she can't miss it if she's never had it or seemingly even got a desire for it.
An hour or two later I was talking to two people online. They had known that I was meeting up with Mandy. They asked how it went and I explained what had happened to them.
[17:21:05] Neil: I feel, well, kind of empty now.
[17:21:16] Deborah: well, your bolocks probably are
[17:21:19] Deborah: l
[17:21:21] Neil: heh
[17:22:56] Neil: I don't feel nothing for her. Feels wrong to of done what happened, but I wanted to do it because I knew it would feel good and it did.
[17:23:15] Neil: God. I get wanked and sucked off and I feel shit about it.
[17:24:14] Deborah: because you used her, you male scumbag! and she probably used you.
[17:25:26] Neil: I'm scared she might like me as more than justsomeone to mess around with and that she's saying she'll mess around me just to be close.
[23:37:58] It is most pleasing to my optical sensors. ?: feel less sexually frustrated for it?
[23:38:50] Neil: I feel guilty more than anything. For using her, even though she is fully aware of the fact that we're just messing around. I felt...empty after it
[23:39:14] It is most pleasing to my optical sensors. ?: you wanted it to be more meaningful?
[23:39:20] Neil: Yeah
[23:39:27] It is most pleasing to my optical sensors. ?: yeah, i know the feeling
[23:39:28] Neil: It felt so...crap afterwards.
[23:39:32] It is most pleasing to my optical sensors. ?: mhm
[23:39:54] It is most pleasing to my optical sensors. ?: its just like..ok..that was pointless..now what?
[23:40:01] Neil: heh yeah
So yeah, I felt empty, rather than satisfied after such no strings attached fun. Even though it felt good at the time, the 'comedown' from it left me feeling not so good. I know that we will probably end up messing around again in the near future, which I want to do, but at the same time, I don't because I know that deep down, it's not what I want at all. I want a proper girlfriend. I'd rather have someone who I love with all of my heart and no sex than sex with someone I don't love.
I didn't go to college today, when I should of. It was the first day back today. I slept right though it. I didn't even hear my alarm go off.
I have so much work to do for college as well. In total, I have seven projects to finish before the 20th January and I've not completed any of them yet. I've only started on one and tonight, I started on another.
These are the projects I have to do:
CD packaging - This includes the booklet's front and back and inside, the on-body artwork (on the CD itself), the tray artwork and the back of the CD.
A DVD case. A Mini-DV case. A VHS case (I think) and a Book cover. These five projects are just for Brian's lesson!
A poster for Tony.
Then, I have to produce a 60 second movie for Bronek and a 60 second animation for Daniel.
The work for Brian is the stuff that I'm having most trouble with I think because it has to be done in InDesign, which I officially hate. I can't be creative in there.
The movie is probably the easiest one to do, as all I have to do is actually film that and that will only take 3-4 hours.
The animation, I decided to start tonight and I am happy to announce that I now have 17 seconds of the 60 seconds of animation completed. It took me three hours to get to that stage, which means if I keep working on it for the next two weeks, I should easily get it finished, right? Same goes for all of the other projects as well.
In other news, my mum stated earlier that in reference to Chris, "he's not allowed to come here any more", which, well, put a smile on my face, at least inside. I'm not taking it too much to heart though, because I'm sure that one day in the future, if Chris decides to rear his head, my mum would probably let him come here again, but only after she'd spoken to him about his attitude and then he'd probably have a hissy fit again and walk right back out. Haha.
There has been a lamp broken in the living room for the past week since the new years eve party. It was broke before then, but because someone slightly knocked it, it broke moreso. It's been VERY awkward to fix, so much so that my mum has been racking her brains trying to think of something that would fix it. There's been all kinds out. Cellotape, maiden poles, hacksaws, umbrella poles, and, finally, the thing that worked tonight - a crude tool, made up of two kitchen foil rolls stuck together in the middle with cellotape and a metal ring at the top. I realise that you don't really have a clue what I'm going on about so you'll have to just ignore this part of my entry. But yes, tonight, I finally solved the problem with the help of my mum's and my mum's friend's invention.
With that part of the problem solved, I then had to figure out a torpedo switch that had come apart, which proved way harder than it should of. But after about 90 minutes of trying to figure it out, I finally fixed that problem too and voila! The lamp is now working again and I'm proud of my achievement.
It's just gone 8am and as you may of guessed, I won't be going to college again. I know that there is a real threat that my tutors will just kick me off the course if I don't start coming in more this term, no matter if my work is on par with Neville Brody, for all they care. Attendance is important, I realise that, it's just that I can't do it sometimes.
I'll go in Tuesday though. Hopefully I'll be armed with both a 60 second completed animation, at least 50% of the projects I have to do for Brian and a completed poster. HOPEFULLY anyway.
