I've been tossing and turning so much, but sleep seems like the last thing i'm able to do just now. It's very frustrating, feeling tired, yet not being able to sleep. My mind keeps racing, jumping from one thought to another. I can't seem to keep my head clear enough to let sleep overcome me.
It's been like this for at least two weeks now. I've not been getting to college on time or indeed, getting to college at all because of it. I've yet to go this week. I was supposed to put all of my work up on the walls for display for the show but I haven't done that. The show started Monday. I have about four things up on the wall and the rest of my work is sitting on a table in front of it in an untidy pile. Well, that's the way I left it anyway on Thursday. No doubt either Ed has been kind enough to put the rest of the work up himself which, knowing Ed, he won't of done, since he's really unhelpful and wouldn't do such a kind thing, or he's moved my work and probably the work that was already up and put it in the cupboard instead. Of course, I realise that he has no real obligation to put my work up and that it was my responsibility to do so, but I didn't want to put it up to begin with. I'm really not bothered about people who I don't know, nor will ever meet looking at my work. Fine, if I was actually getting some feedback from them about whether they liked it or not then that would be my incentive for putting the work up, but i'm not. So, since I've yet to go into college this week, more than likely, no one who went to the show will have seen any of my work. I'm not bothered at all.
One thing that I am supposed to of done is complete an essay for my communication key skills, comparing two art movements with each other.
I haven't done that.
Another thing I have to do by tomorrow (Thursday) is create a few webpages to display my digital work that I've done over the year.
I haven't done that.
The web journal which I created to log all of the things I had done over the six weeks allocated for the final major project needs to be fully written and pictures taken for it.
I haven't done that.
The webpages are easy to do. I'll just use the Ignite Design website template for that. The webjournal is probably a lost cause by now. The essay, I have no idea how to write really, since i'm clueless when it comes to talking about the why's, when's and how's of art movements. I may be an artist, but that doesn't mean I automatically must know a load of artists from art movements and their history. I find art history very boring.
England played Croatia on Monday. I'm loving Euro 2004. It was a great game and we won 4-2! I'm not usually a fan of football, but I always watch the World Cup and European tournaments. England gets very patriotic when our football team plays, it's great. The good news is that we're now through to the quarter-finals - somewhere where we've never been before. England's next game is tomorrow and i'm very excited/scared about it, as most of the nation is.
My MSN contact list is slowly getting smaller and smaller. It usually hovers around 20-25 people. Currently, it's at 19. I delete people off my list quite easily, when I feel that it's not worth having them on my list, as I may not talk to them often enough. There is no point in having someone on my list who I don't talk to. Saying that though, of the 19 people who I do have on my list, I only talk to five at most often. The rest are more like accquaintences. I haven't even been talking to Hana much lately, as she's been offline a hell of a lot, doing revision for her exams. She's the only person who I would really need on my contact list. I could pretty much delete everyone else bar one or two on it and I doubt they would miss talking to me, just like I would probably not miss talking to them.
As you can probably tell, i'm rambling a little. I'm really tired, but since I can't sleep, a diary entry seemed the only effortless thing to do at 4:50am. Does anyone have any good cures for insomnia? Really, I'd like to know. I definitely need to buy some sleeping pills.
A while ago, I said that I needed to go see James Riley, but he's yet to call me to arrange an appointment. However, to be honest, I've not exactly 'missed' seeing him. I've not been any better or indeed worse by not seeing him. Perhaps I don't need to any more. Or perhaps I only need to see him when I need to see him. Yes, I realise that doesn't make much sense. What I mean is maybe it would be a good idea to keep seeing him incase there are times when I really do want to see him for someone talk to about any problems I may have. I don't think I know how to open up still. I don't know how to talk about how I feel. I know how to write about how I feel, but not talk. If you ask me how I am online, I could bore you with an endless description. If you ask me how I feel in person, you'd get a much less detailed answer. Probably preferable as well to those who asked me in the first place.
It's now 5am. What are the chances that I'll be getting up at 6:45am to get ready for college? Minimal, I think you'll agree.
I keep telling myself that if (and i'm still going with the assumption that it is an 'if', rather than a 'when') I get onto the multimedia course in September, then I'll attend much more often than I have been doing do this year, but I think i'm fooling myself with that promise. I don't think I can keep that promise to myself. I can try and strive towards keeping that goal, but I don't think I can be 100% confident that I would be in the majority of time and if I can't make that promise to myself then I can't make it to my tutors either. I feel like I've let my tutors down in that respect this year, by not turning up for as many lessons as I should of, especially photography, in which I have a terrible 19% attendance. That's disgusting. I should of worked a lot harder than I have done over the past year I think. I just hope that I get the chance to make up for it in September. Right now, the question of whether I will have a place on the course is in Ed's hands, along with the external examiner. Ed will grade all of the work that I've done over the year and the external examiner will mark the final major project. I'm not sure which grade actually gets me a place on the course. I'm hoping that it's actually the final major project, as Ed thinks that I'll get at least a merit. Anything above a pass would be great for me, so long as I actually get on this course in September. I so very badly want to get on it because it's the course I've wanted to do for years. I'd have Brian as my tutor as well and Brian is a great teacher. I think the Arts Centre is a great place to learn, personally and though I complain a lot about the cost of actually getting there, i'm glad that I have had the oppurtunity to do so. If I do get on the course in September, I'll make better enquiries into whether i'm eligble for any financial help as I really need it. Because all my money goes on travelling to and from college, even if I miss days, i'm still left with literally pennies at the end of the week. I can't buy a single thing for myself.
5:10am. Amazing how quick time goes by when i'm writing a diary entry.
I guess going to college today is out of the question, since I very much doubt I'll be getting up at 6:45am. However, today, i'm going to try and make a start on that essay I need to do. I've not got a clue how i'm going to go about it though.
I'm going back to bed now.
