So I maanged to get a battery for the Psion and now I have something to do at least on this three and a half hour journey to London.
However, even though I managed to get the train in plenty of time (which is a rarity!), i'm feeling absolutely dead. After talking to hana till 1am and being so excited, I then got a shower and went to bed around 2am, falling asleep relatively easily. But then I woke up at 3:30am and found it impossible to go back asleep. I ended up laying there awake for two hours near enough before I decided to get up, my myself something to eat and drink and then try and go back to sleep. By this time it was about 6am and by the time I managed to get back asleep it was 7am, meaning I had just an hour to get some much needed sleep. I only got 45 minutes. I decided to get up 30 minutes later then planned, 8:30am.
I had been worrying all night about feeling like this. I just couldn't clear my mind enough to sleep.
Somehow, I managed to make it out of the house with my bag and my camera at 9:30am. The only reason I actually neded a bag was just so I had something to put my toothbrush in and a change of underwear. There's pretty much nothing else in there!
In addition to the song that I had written for Hana, I really wanted to buy her a rose and give it to her in person. I had no idea where a florist was in town though and once in town, was ready to give that idea up. But, on the way to the station, there was a woman selling roses amongst flowers. I asked her if she had any single ones but she sadi they were only in fives so I got them and carried on to th4e station, bought my ticket and got on this train. I'll probably try and sleep, but even though this train is one of those incredibly smooth running ones, each time the train comes to a stop, i'm gonna think it's mine and will be cautious of sleeping. But I shall try. I definitely need it.
19th February @ 5:08pm
I'm just on the way home now. The train is about to leave. Hana left me at Charing Cross station, and then I made my own way to Euston.
But let's rewind.
After managed to get about 1:30hrs of sleep on the train to Euston, I was feeling much more awake than when I got on it. Once at Euston, I found myself in a strange station, unsure of where to go. Since everyone was heading in the same direction though, I did too and managed to find the exit of the station. I was confused about where I had to go next, though and had to ask at least 4 people, then walking out of the station to find the tube station, where I asked another few people how I got to Charing Cross. The tube system is so confusing to someone who isn't used to it I think.
I ended up asking many people for directions, but there was this beautiful Australian girl who I asked for directions who was so very helpful. She was so nice. I asked her if she'd lived there long, but she said that she'd only been there a week! She seemed to know where to go and what to do though. Once she'd shown me where I was supposed to go, I thanked her and we said goodbye. I made my way to Charing Cross on the tube, where I knew Hana would be waiting for me. I also knew that I was currently 5 minutes late, because I didn't know my way there easily. I was really worried that she might think I was having a big joke with her and that I wasn't coming and that she'd go by the time I got there.
We had arranged to meet at Burger King. She said she'd be inside, or just outside it. After finding Burger King, however I couldn't find her! I was panicing at this point, thinking she'd left because I was a bit late. I walked back outside and looked about, hoping to see someone in abobble hat with a star on it, as she had said she'd be wearing this. Thankfully, I spotted such a person, although I was still very unsure whethere it was here or not. I decided to just find out and walked over to her, calling out. She looked at me and I knew it was her. She smiled and we hugged.
It was amazing finally meeting ehr and being able to hug her. IO've waited so long to do so. It was weird being able to physically talk to her instead of there being a computer between us. She looked so cute. I gave her the roses, which she said were really nice.
Both of us were pretty unsure what to say really. We talk so much online, yet in person we seemed like we had hardly talked. Very strange.
As we walked to get another train back to where she lived, I couldn't help but glance at her frequently, just thinking about how adorable she was and how much I simply wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold her forever, even if I'd only just met her.
There was quite a bit of silence at first. I really don't mind the silence, but it was obvious that she did. I tried to make conversation, but nothing came to mind. As I said, it was so strange being so empty headed around her, when we have so much to say online.
Once at our stop we began to walk to her house, where we sat in the kitchen and waited for her Dad to get home, as we were going to rent Blair Witch Project from Blockbuster and he had the card. We waited around 50 minutes and then her Dad came home, gave us the card, and then we set off again to her Mum's house, which is where we staying.
I must be so damn unfit. After only 10 minutes of walking, I was out of breath. After 15, my legs were killing me. After what seemed like an hour of walking (though it was closer to 20 minutes!) we got to her Mum's house. I took a much needed seat on the couch and caught my breath. Hana sat on the opposite couch and all I wanted to go was go over to her and put my arm around her. I didn't though. I didn't, because I was really scared that maybe she wouldn't want me to.
I got my camera out and took a picture of her, though she hates getting her picture taken. She wanted to take one of me too so she went to get her camera and took pictures of me too. I tickled her when she tried to take one of me.
After about 30 minutes, we set back out to Blockbuster to get BWP. Sadly, however, they didn't have it so we got a film called The Hole. We made our way back home and again I was incredibly out of breath and my feet were aching. I felt like such a weakling. I really couldn't keep up with her pace.
We watched some TV together once we got back, as we sat next to each other on the couch and I rested my head on her shoulder. I was so tired at this point and I was already falling asleep although it was only around 7:30pm.
At 8:30pm, her friend Tasha and her boyfriend Mike came round. I said hi to them and started panicing again, since I knew nothing about them. It was kind of quiet and no one was saying anything. Hana decided to put the film on and turned the lights down and we began to watch. However, since I was so tired and since it was dark, my body seemed to be ordering me to fall asleep, no matter how much I resisted. And resist, I did, as I felt my head drooping forwards, only to jolt back up when I realised I was falling asleep. I was concious of the fact that Hana was right next to me and Tasha and Mike were opposote and I was worried that they were seeing all of this droopy head syndrome thing I was doing. Finally, I slouched down slightly and rested my head on the back of the couch, still looking at the TV but after an extremely short period of time, I was by far asleep.
I didn't realise I'd fallen asleep till after I'd woken up and I had no idea what was going on in the film. I don't even know how long I slept for, but what I did know was that I now felt a little bit more awake and proceeded to watch the end of the film, which seemed to be on for quite some time.
After the film, Hana and Tasha went into the kitchen to make food, leaving me and Mike in the living room. It was awfully quiet. This silence I was definitely not comfortable with. I tried so hard to come up with things to say but it was pretty pointless. He tried too, but neither of us were having much luck and ended up just watching TV. It did get better after a while though and we walked about both of us liking the program '24'. He hadn't seen the first episode of the new series so I was explaining what had happened in it.
Hana and Tasha came out of the kitchen more than an hour later. I have no idea why what they were cooking took so long. By this point it was about 12:30am and Star Trek: Voyager was on. Mike said that he wasn't keen on it, but he asked me questions about it and I was happy to explain things about it to him, as Hana and Tasha laughed at the Klingon's head.
Shortly before that finished, we were all ready for bed. Tasha and Mike were also staying over it seemed. Just before Hana went to her room and I closed to the door to mine, I called her in and asked her for a hug. And it was a long hug. I held onto ehr as long as she'd let me, wanting to kiss her so much at that point. But I didn't. Because it was around this point that I got the feeling that maybe she didn't like me and as I switched off the light and got into bed, I began wondering what she was thinking of me and if it was postive or negative. I had wanted to kiss her so much, but I knew that to get my hopes up would be wrong and that she probably wouldn't like me as more than a friend. But as it got nearer to meeting her, I have to admit that I did begin to get my hopes up.
I knew that I hadn't talked much to her or at least as much as we do online. But I thought we'd talk more than we did. Like I said, I am very comfortable with silence and I really don't mind it, but I know she does. Perhaps she thinks I didn't like her?..But I did. I liked her a lot.
Morning arrived and I felt so much better than I had done the night before, after a nice long and much neded sleep. One thing that troubled me though, was the fact that, as I walked around the room getting dressed, my right heel was hurting. I knew instantly what it was. Sometimes, if my foot comes under too much stress, there is a recurrance of some sort of growth that I've had on my heel for nearly 10 years now. It used to turn black at first, in the first years. They operated on it and removed a cyst, but even to this day, it's still never been right. The skin is very hard, whereas on the other foot it's smooth and, well, skinlike. Though it hadn't turned black again, I had had this recurrance before. It gets really painful to walk and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to walk back to the station. I got dressed and tried my best to hide any kind of limp I may of had.
I said hi to Tasha as she came out of the bathroom and I went in. I then said hi to Mike in the living room and then Hana, who came in a few minutes later. Conversation with Mike seemed easier. A little bit more fluid. Me and Tasha didn't seem to talk much though.
Once we'd all had somerthing to eat and drink, we left the house. Me and Hana were on our way back to her Dad's, while Tasha and Mike said goodbye to us shortly after leaving and went their own way. I like that guy, he's cool.
With my trainers on, the pain on my heel was minimal thankfully and I was much better at walking.
As me and Hana carried on up these insanely steep hills with me already out of breath once more, I realised that I'd forgotten my SLR camera (which sadly, I didn't even use, because Hana was too against it), meaning we had to walk all the way back again and then make our way to her Dad's once more. So exhauting! I really don't know how she does it.
Just to interrupt for a second; I've just gone through Rugby station. Heh, memories...*sigh*...
Back to the story.
Once at her Dad's house we sat in the kitchen again and talked. I kept wanting to wrap my arms around her and had to force myself not to do it so much. I was way too scared to do it by this point, as I had concluded that maybe she didn't like me.
At 4pm, it was time for me to go home. We waited for the train back into London. Again, all I wanted to do was hold her and I couldn't not do it no more so I hugged her spontaneously. She seemed surprised. I held her for as long as possible, before letting go, only to want to hold her more.
Our train came, we got off at our stop and made our way back to Charing Cross station, where she would leave me.
As we got to the barriers I looked at her and smiled. "I'm gonna miss you", I told her, "I don't want to leave you". I put my arms around her once more. "Thanks for coming", she said. I wondered whether to kiss her on the cheek or not, but again, was too scared to. I felt her kiss mine, though and it made me a little surprised. It was just a simple peck on the cheek, but it was so hard not to kiss her properly after she done that. We said goodbye as she walked away and I went through the barrier.
Walking to catch the train to Euston, I guess I felt very downhearted. And I hate to say it, but I guess I felt heartbroken too. I wanted her so much. But it didn't seem like she wanted me. And it really does make me sad, yet am I regretful that I went? No, of course not. I didn't go down there with the intention of kissing her, but yes, my hopes did get raised and yes, they did fall again, when I saw her walking away from me at those barriers.
I regret not hugging her more than I did. There didn't seem to be many opportunities to, and even if there were, it didn't seem like she wanted me to anyway.
It's almost 7pm now. I've been writing this entry for 1:30hrs yet it seems like I only began it five minutes ago. I should be coming into Crewe in 35 minutes. Then I have to wait a bit fro a train to Liverpool, then get one home, where i'm sure I've not exactly been missed.
So, it's been two days of something which wasn't expected, but not all unwelcomed of course. But yes, disappointed is how I fel currently. Maybe i'm wrong to feel like that. Nevertheless, I can't help but feel it. There is a bit of happiness though. I am happy that I did go and meet her because as I knew she would be, she is lovely. And i'm glad I could spend the time I did with her.
