Since what livertech wrote about me in his diary was rather hurtful, moreso because of what had happened with my mum, I decided to write a letter to Diaryland. His diary is no longer active. I love Diaryland.

In regards to the mother issue, I've hardly said a word to her. I tried to stay out of her way as much as possible, not even going downstairs when I felt hungry, because I felt too uncomfortable being in the room with her. Eventually I did, though, but stayed in the kitchen while I was cooking my food and then took up back up to my room as to not spend any longer than I had to in her presence.

You know what's frustrating? The fact that it's almost obligatory that I have to carry on as if nothing had happened, in order to continue trying to get on with her. I have to put this behind me and act like i'm ok with it all, because I can't ignore her forever. It's like i'm the one who is giving a silent apology for something that I've not done. Hardly fair. Hardly right. She wonders why I don't talk to her. She wonders why I think she's so hard to talk to. Why? Because she doesn't fucking listen. I'm so very tired of saying the same things to her over and over again in the hopes that perhaps she'll take it on board this time. Never works of course.

So, as much as I want to show her that i'm pissed off, hurt and feeling fucking depressed again, I can't. I can't because it'd make living here even harder. I want to leave as soon as possible.

Of course, leaving isn't an option either, until I decide that i'm ready to go and get myself a job.

..."Laura loves you, but she doesn't like you".

I still don't get that. If she didn't like me so much, then why does she constantly laugh with me and mess about? Is that not supposed to count as liking me or something?

James emailed me. I have an appointment with him tomorrow. I doubt he can help me much with the mother situation.

I've been feeling very alone since I woke up. I try to keep thinking postively, but I can't find anything to be positive about. I keep thinking about people who I want to meet, who i'm gonna get on with really well and whatever, but there is no one really. Everyone who I may have even the slightest interest in, only goes and gets themselves a boyfriend a few days later.

Though I know most people would disagree with me that a relationship would make me happy, it would. Honestly, it would. I need to feel loved. Relationship love. If I look at this from a psychological point of view, I suppose you go say something like 'Neil's strong need for a relationship may be due to him trying to find a replacement for his mother'. Or something like that. I don't care what the reasons are, (and I don't think that is the reason, but I know that's what the psychological view of it would probably be) I just want to be loved. Girlfriend boyfriend. No one understands just how powerful this need is, and when it's satisfied, how much happier I will feel. For example, though I know it wasn't love, kissing Robyn gave me an incredible boost of happiness, because for that day, or those few seconds while we were kissing, I felt wanted.

Though I do want friends too, of course, I know that even if I was the most popular guy on the planet, I still wouldn't be happy without someone to say 'I love you' to. You can say I shouldn't focus on wanting a relationship all you like, but if I know that that's what will make me happier, then isn't it logical to want that more than anything else?

One day, I'll be content with my life. One day. One day, I'll be living in my own house and not have my mother butting in. One day, I'll have a girlfriend who I will love with all my heart to share this house with. One day, I'll be in a job, that I enjoy doing. One day, things will be better.

If only I knew when one day was.