She says I've hurt her. I've asked why. She doesn't give me a straight answer. She avoids the actual reasons, though I want to know. If I don't know, how can I change?
I don't think she knows how unsociable I am with pretty much anyone. Granted, it's moreso with her, but I am this way with most, if not all people. Quiet, doesn't say much, likes be on his own.
This time, it's mostly about the fact that there is no income once again on my side of things and of course, that is all my fault, but I refuse to do something I found boring for 10 hours, each day. You wouldn't either. And by boring, I don't even mean the actual work, I mean sitting about, doing nothing, because there is nothing I can do. If I was occupied for 10 hours, I wouldn't feel so bad about it.
From money issues, to "I feel like I've lost you", to "You do nothing for me", these are the issues she brings about each time, never caring to explain more. I ask her in all sincerity to explain, yet all she will say is "Why bother?", "Oh what's the use?". How am I supposed to get round that? I'm no good with confrontations. I'm good at keeping calm, but not talking about problems that exist between what was once a loving relationship with my mum. Now it's as if i'm simply a lodger living here. I know it's my fault. I don't know how to change.
I am quite willing to talk to her about my problems and such, but if she doesn't ask questions, I can't give her answers. Instead of trying to come to a compromise together, she always takes the offensive, with no easy ways to share my thoughts and feelings.
I think because of this, I've learnt to switch off my emotions when it comes to her. Keeping them on would only make me feel worse I think, sadly. Again, I have to repeat that I know all of this is my fault.
It's getting too much, this strong tension between us both now. I can handle it, since as I said, the emotions are switched off, but, I can still care enough for her that I am concerned about what it's doing to her. I know that she thinks i'm useless, and lazy, and uncaring, and selfish and all the other things you probably think I am too. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am all of those tihngs. One thing I definitely am, is willing to change, should that be the case, but someone has to teach me. That person, sadly, is not my mum.
This bedroom, these four walls. They don't feel like a bedroom no more. They don't feel like a part of the rest of the house no more. Too all intents and purposes, I may as well live in a completely different house.
I've often thought about inviting my mum to join me again to go and see James and perhaps he could better moderate her and act as my support as well. Though I know she'd say yes to that idea, I know she wouldn't take it as seriously as I'd like her to because of her attitude toward him. I think she thinks he's doing no good for me, when personally, I think he is. If nothing else, it's an hour out of 2 weeks where I can say what I want to say. I mean actually say it. To hear words come out of my mouth once in a while. If nothing else, it's someone to talk to face to face. I don't think anyone truly understands that bit of all of this. How little I talk. Not even about my problems, but just in general. This is why I long for friends so much.
Another thought that has crossed my mind a few times is simply showing my mum this diary. Perhaps she'd know exactly how I was feeling then, but I know she'd probably only get angry at what she read about herself, rather than come to me and sort it out together, so that's a pretty bad idea.
If you have any suggestions to help sort this out, then please do leave me a note or sign my guestbook. Even you, Mr Spine person, as long as you have constructive things to say, rather than stuff that only puts me down further. Just a simple request.
Do you see how calmly that entry was written? This is me in person. This is how calm I can be. Now imagine this calmness up against someone who consistently argues, whenever conversation is started with them. How do I overcome these problems we have? As I said, please let me know.
