Mum decided to have one of her arguments with me again tonight. I say hers, because I remain calm throughout it, unlike her, who can't even keep her voice at a peaceful level. Sad. And she wonders why I don't talk to her.
It was Mother's Day today of course. For the past few days, I was looking forward to asking her if she would of liked to of gone for a meal, with me and Laura, but then I got thinking. I was only doing it because I knew if I didn't, she'd complain to me. I wasn't doing it because I actually wanted to. Out of pressure, rather than love. That sounds horrible doesn't it? I know it does. But when you have to put up with the kind of argumentative attitude she has, well, as I say, i'm sure you can see why I don't talk to her much.
I didn't ask her about the meal in the end. I had planned to on Saturday, but she wasn't here. She was in Paul's, her boyfriends, so I could hardly do so. Then, today, when she came back: "Neil", she said. At this point I already knew what was gonna come next.
"Do you know it's Mother's Day today?", she asked
"Yeah"
"And what did you get me?", she asked, very bitch-like, as if she was already accusing me of not getting her something, before she heard my answer.
"I was going to ask you if you wanted to go for a meal, but you weren't here", I replied, already wanting her to go away because our conversations always end up confrontational because of her.
I knew she wasn't expecting what I'd just said. She paused in her silent accusation for a second, before changing her tone slightly. You could hear the slight sound of guilt slipping through her voice. But, of course, something derogatory had to come from her.
"A meal?", she said "you'd be lucky". "You wouldn't of gotten in anywhere".
Can I not win? Can I not be told that it was nice of me to of thought of it? My honest intentions of my idea were so that me, her and Laura could go out and do something together for the first time in a long time. That was my idea. Just some starting point to somehow integrate myself back into this so-called 'family'. But no, something negative about my idea was said instead. She then said that she would of rather me bought her something, saying that she needed a new dressing gown, before going back downstairs and leaving me quite...well I don't know actually, just let down I guess.
I'm sure many of you think that i'm just a burden to an otherwise happy family, consisting of my mum, Laura and indeed their respective boyfriends now. Then there's me. That guy who never talks. The guy who has no friends, girlfriend. The guy who doesn't really have much of a life at all. The guy who, though he does try and make attempts to wipe the slate clean somehow, never quite works.
I'm sure a lot of you think that perhaps i'm being unfair on my mum saying all of this. I do try and look at it from her point of view too, which is sadly, a very hard from to look from. I don't think she can see the attempts I make to communicate with her. The small gestures I make from time to time. She doesn't, (and I doubt she will ever) understand how my emotions work and why I do the things I do.
Sometimes I really do think that she has an anger management problem. Once she starts up, the only way for it to stop is to let it burn out, which is why I never engage in her arguments. I just let her say what she has to say, regardless of if it's right or not. Then there'll be a very uncomfortable silence between us, until I'll eventually decide to retreat to my room once again, until the cycle repeats itself.
I honestly do try to be a better person. I've already given the examples. I don't want this bitter rift between us. I look at her and Laura and they're so close to each other. Even my mum and her mum are close. What about me? Who do I share my thoughts with if not family? I don't want to be such a bad person that she has to argue at me so many times.
