Today has been one of a depressing nature. Nothing in particular has happened, but then, that in itself is reason enough to get depressed about - the fact that my life is so empty. of course, this is all my fault. I know this. I don't blame it on anyone or anything but me. It's the fact that i'm such a failure at life that has gotten me in this position. I have the chance of succeeding in college and, I know that I could easily do so if I was actually going in all the time. What the hell stops me, I hear you cry. I don't know, would be my answer, I don't know.
Needless to say, I didn't go today.
I think if I don't go on Thursday, questions will be raised in my mind as to whether it is advisable that I stay on the course or not if I can't actually get to it. I also have worries that, since I've now missed near three weeks of the course, I'll find it very difficult to catch up. However, I'm willing to try, it's just getting there that's the problem.
Tonight has been one of self loathing and hate against myself. Tonight I've felt increasingly lonely. No friends, no girlfriend, no love, no care. I have nothing. Again, I know this is all my fault. I feel like I want to get out of my skin because i'm sick on being me. I want to take a break from it and experience life in someone else's body. Someone who is content with their life.
I'm not content. I can feel myself slowly slipping into the kind of mood I was in this time last year. Hatred towards myself. No energy. Feelings that would almost constitute feeling suicidal. This is not good.
I need help. Not a psychologist. Not medication. Not any of that kind of help. I need help in terms of friendship. Love. Compassion. Care. I need that kind of help and I don't have it.
See, the really frustrating part about all of this is that I can think about it rationally. I can step outside of myself and know exactly what I need to feel good. I'm don't think 'nothing will ever help me and I might as well just die', but rather, know that things would indeed help me. I just can't find them. And that's the frustating part.
I can feel the tears building up inside me as the days go by. I know that in a few weeks it's all gonna come out once again. And after that, the cycle will repeat once more, until something someone breaks it and that someone is not me.
So who is it? I know who it is. It's someone who shows they care for me. It doesn't neccesarily have to be in the form of someone who I may fancy, but, I seem to have the problem of forming crushes on anyone who does seem to exhibit any signs of caring. Make of it what you will.
Which brings me on to the good notes.
In just a few hours, I'll finally be meeting my wonderful friend Katie. We're meeting in town. I've no idea what we're going to do, but it'll be lovely meeting her.
Also, since I am meeting her tomorrow, I can now reveal the information I couldn't on Saturday.
About two weeks ago, me and Katie were talking and I showed her something I'd designed that looked rather like a Polo (or Lifesaver, for you Americans that read this). Conversation ensued about how Katie would like it if Polos came in red and blue and how they'd be cool on a necklace.
And the wheels were set in place for me making her one.
I went to town on Saturday to get some food colouring, but the art shop was shut. However, I did manage to get some drawing ink out of another shop. Once I'd bought that, I then went and bought three packs of Polos and once I got home I tried it out. I poured the ink onto a plate and then dipped a Polo into it, both sides and left it to dry on a piece of paper. Repeated this around 10 times in red and 10 times in blue.
However, once dry, they became rather sticky as I'd not thought about how the ink would affect such a surface. Sadly, that batch of coloured Polos had to go in the bin as they were no good.
My mum suggested using spray paint instead and luckily we happened to have some blue laying about and lining wallpaper left over from decorating the living room. I rolled out the paper on the kitchen floor, placed a few Polos on it and sprayed them with the paint. It looked rather good. After that I used the hairdryer to speed up the drying.
Sadly, we had no red, but, my mum was going shopping the next day and she got me some and I repeated the process, this time using red.
So I had 10 blue spray painted Polos and 10 red spray painted Polos that looks rather damn cool. I placed them all on a piece of lace, alternating colours, tied the ends and voila! Polo Necklace!
Like it? Do tell me.
No one can accuse me of not being creative, can they?
Speaking of creative, I created my newest piece of art about an hour ago. It's called When Words Won't Do. I like it a lot. Again, I'd like comments on it.
I've also added a few pics to the Picture Archive, which you may want to look at.
So, tomorrow should be fun. I'm gonna cancel my appointment with James too because why spend an hour takling about how crap your life is when you can spend an hour forgetting about it? Good reasoning, yes?
I told you I'd end on a good note.
3:07am
