And I was only there for three hours, but it bored the hell out of me.
Two hours with Will. Learning about cross media ownership, using Rupert Murdoch as an example. For the first hour we just talked, had a discussion about him and cmo and then for thirty minutes watched something about Mr Murdoch. Oh riveting.
Took a few notes. End of lesson.
"I know I haven't really explained what cross media is yet...", Will said. For fuck's sake you've just spent two hours trying to explain it. It's simple!
God they make me angry sometimes.
Then to make me more pissed off, we had a Key Skills lesson, which is English under another name. We had to explain things about an advert in a paper.
'Who is this ad targeting?', 'In what ways does the ad allow feedback?'...blah blah blah. Easy stuff. Anyone could do it. Everyone did do it, just that I finished about 15 minutes before everyone else. That sounds big headed I know, but it's just a fact and I hate sitting there with nothing to do.
"Is there anything else I can do?", I asked Carol (tutor). She looked at me, puzzled, as if it was weird that I was asking for work. I guess it is. She said she was waiting for all the others to finish so I had to sit there while they all did.
She asked who'd gotten a C in English in school but of course, I didn't. And of course if you didn't get good marks that must make you stupid and that's what she thought about me or rather she thought I needed extra help with what we were doing. I just got on with it though and said I didn't. At the end she tried to explain an information sheet to me but I just said I didn't need it explaining and that I was fine.
Urgh. Crappy lessons.
I've come to the conclusion that Lauren definitly does not like being near me. She never talks to me, she'll never keep a conversation going with me and she has a tendency to try and not be near me. To me it's very noticeable and it kind of hurts.
On the way to the bus stop, I noticed a guy in our class talking to Lauren in front of me. They knew I was behind them though. Neither of them turned round though and talked to me. I thought it was just me being paranoid, but at the bus stop coming home, Wes, the other guy, Me and Lauren were just waiting for the bus. I noticed how Lauren and the guy talked to Wes a lot, but not to me, especially Lauren. She's still yet to talk to me first, but with others it's normal for her to do it. I really feel like i'm doing something wrong.
So Wes, other guy and Lauren talked to each other. I was with them and right there, but they got onto football and since I don't watch it or know anything about it, how coud I possibly contribute. I noticed how Lauren seemed to be lively with the two of them. She was talkative and asked questions just as much as she answered them.
So what's wrong with talking to me? Am I just being paranoid? Does she hate me or something? Answers on a postcard to this conundrum please.
The bus came and Lauren stayed downstairs, although I thought she'd gone upstairs with Wes and the other guy so I followed those two to find that she was infact downstairs, but since she's not gonna talk to me anyway I stayed upstairs with those two. The conversation was still Wes and the other guy. It was never Wes, the other guy and Neil.
I'm beginning to think i'm just not a person who people like talking to. Maybe my style of dress detracts people? Maybe I still look like I don't want to be talked to.
Maybe this. Maybe that.
People do talk to me on the course, but I can see and hear the uncomfortableness in their voice, like it's forced. Why? What's so bad about talking to me? It hurts damnit.
I realise it may be futile trying to get to know Lauren, when she doesn't want to know me, but i'm determined to get to know her. I know she doesn't fancy me so there's no chance of being in a relationship with her, but I can still be her friend. I want to be her friend, that's all, but the way she's acting towards me suggests she doesn't want that. I will sway her though, somehow. I'll sway all of them. I'm not gonna sit there while they all feel uncomfortable. I'm gonna make them like me somehow.
Maybe they'll just get used to the way I am and not be so weird towards me, including Lauren and that guy.
I KNOW there's nothing wrong with me. I know i'm not an unlikable person. It's taken me years to realise it, but I know that i'm a nice person. They're acting like there is something wrong though.
I can see people pairing off with other people. Their own little group of a friend or two. The closest thing to that I have is Wes I guess, but he's more a part of another little group.
I suppose you could say the same about Lauren, though and also Michael2, and another guy who is about 15 and never takes his coat off. They don't really hang about with anyone. Nobody saves them a seat, as it were. So I guess I can't say i'm the only one. Still, people talk to them with ease, but when they talk to me it's different and i'm 65% sure it isn't just my paranoia.
Things to look forward to then over the weekend, hmm let's see...
...
...
Uhh, sleeping?
Next week or the week after or sometime soon anyway, I'll finally get to meet the lovely lovely lovely Katie. I really can't wait to meet her.
Oh, I think this monitor will be going back tomorrow, sadly and I'll be left with my little crappy one. It's gonna be horrible going back to my small one.
I'm very tempted to go to bed right now. It's only 2pm but I don't have anything to do but sit here, waiting for people to come online to talk to. Katie said she won't be online till Sunday now and she's probably my favourite person to talk to right now. Ashley would also be a favourite person to talk to, but she's not gonna be online for the next month. They're the two people I most care about right now. They're always on my mind. I'm always thinking about what they're doing and if they're ok.
My entries seem so long when I go to college. If you've read this far you deserve a gold star.
Thankyou for reading, you rule.
2:03pm
