I don't like me right now because I have a fucked up body and mind.
I decided that last night I was gonna try and go to bed a bit earlier and try and get up this morning so I could go to town and actually do stuff today. I went to bed at 4am and fell asleep around 4:30, only to wake up at 8am with a pounding headache.
I tried to get back asleep with it, because I wasn't about to get up at 8am, but that didn't work and so I tossed and turned for an hour, lapsing in and out of conciousness for a few minutes, before waking up and feeling my head ache again.
At around 9:30 I decided to get some paracetamol. I had them prescribed to me by my doctor, but they're just your regular paracetomol. What good are they? Anyway I took two and went back to bed where I lay, again tossing and turning till around 11pm. By now my eyes were aching a LOT. It hurts to keep them open for any amount of time. I keep closing them as I write this.
4 hours sleep. I've had four hours sleep. Compare that to the 10 I had yesterday and it's a big drop. My body can't handle such differences so quickly.
I'm absolutely knackered. I feel like I could pass out at any moment, but my body refuses to let me rest. My body has energy, but my mind and brain definitly do not and my brain rules me, not my body.
I got something to eat around 11:30am. I asked my mum would she get me some sleeping pills so I could actually get some sleep and stop feeling like this, but she said no. When I asked her why not, she said 'they're not a thing I approve of'. I don't bloody care if she approves of them or not, she's not the one who's taking them, I just need something to make me go asleep. "I'm not buying them until Verma (my doctor) says they're ok for you", she said. Well fuck that.
She then told me I don't listen to her and how I should get up in the day and blah blah blah. IF I COULD GET UP IN THE DAY I WOULD. She doesn't understand that I don't exactly enjoy my waking hours in the middle of the night. If I could keep to normal sleeping hours I would damnit. I would.
"Fine, I'll buy them then", I said to her, and I will.
See, she tells me to help her out during the day and i'm ok with that. I'll gladly help out with whatever, but I can't bloody do that if I feel like i'm about to faint can I! By asking her to get me something to sleep, i'm trying to show that I want to help, but of course, she doesn't see it like that. Am I making any sense at all? What I say helps us both out doesn't it?
Just say I were to take a sleeping pill tonight at some point and they work and I go to sleep around 2am/3am at the latest, that means that I'd get up no later than 4pm, which would mean that anything she needed doing, I could do. It would also mean that I'd get a peaceful sleep. Good all around.
I really don't have the energy right now (or ever) to argue with her about what she thinks is right and wrong and how I should and shouldn't help myself. Arguing has NEVER got me anywhere with her. She feeds off it too much. She likes confrontation to the point where she feels powerful by arguing. She has trouble staying calm when she thinks she is right and someone is telling her she's not. She isn't an easy person to make any compromises with.
At some point very soon I'll go back to bed for a bit and then later on, I'll go back to bed again for the night and hopefully tomorrow wake up, go to town, buy what I need and also (since she won't get them) sleeping pills.
12:44pm
