I wasn't intending to ring her tonight, since I thought she'd be staying in Cambridge till tomorrow.
She asked why hadn't I rang and I told her this.
Again, the conversation was filled with a lot of silence.
She asked me to take the chat transcript down and i'm not sure whether I want to or not. It's explains why this has happened. It's almost like evidence in a way. I'm still in two minds over it.
The gist of the conversation were these points:
She doesn't feel like she can see me until this is sorted.
If she did see me now, she wouldn't touch me or speak to me.
She hates me.
She wants to hit me and see me carted off in an ambulance.
She's hurt and angry still.
She feels like I've cheated on her.
She thinks I should think more about what I've done.
Mel signed my guestbook with words of support for me. Everything she said I agreed with me (I guess I would though).
Also, Kate says I misunderstood what she said last night and agrees with me so everyone I've talked to thinks that aside from breaking a promise, hugging her in bed was ok to do. Only Claire doesn't think so. Again, i'm confused as to why Claire does think it's wrong, yet no one else does.
Natalie, Kate, Sophy, Mel, Ann (see guestbook) and three people in Claire's guestbook all agree with me yet I have yet to find someone who doesn't.
I know when I've done something wrong. On this occasion there are a few counts of wrong. Firstly there is breaking a promise, for which I am sorry for and I have apologised for that. Secondly is hurting Claire which I never meant to do because I love her so much.
I've said i'm sorry for these yet Claire says these aren't the reasons why she's angry at me. She says it's because I hugged Natalie in bed. She says it's because hugging in bed is something me and her do, not friends. She also said she doesn't want to hug me no more because she wouldn't feel nothing from doing it. However, at the end of the conversation, she added that she would feel ok about hugging if/when this passes.
She made me think that I had done wrong by hugging Natalie in bed when she said about how that's something that only we do. She likened it to holding hands, saying that that's not what friends do, only girlfriend/boyfriend.
I actually would like to find someone who thinks I have done wrong because I'd like to hear their reasons for thinking this.
Claire said she has no one to talk to about it. I asked her about her friends and she said none of them would understand but I fail to see why not? She asked me to stop talking about it so I did.
At the end of the conversation I said goodbye to her. "Oh, aren't you going to call me tomorrow?", she asked.
"I didn't think you'd want me to since I seem to make you angry at me", I replied.
"Well the only way we're gonna get this sorted is if we talk about it"
"I was gonna give you time to think"
"I'm not the one who needs to think. You are. You need to understand why you've hurt me. Until then I don't think I can see you".
So, for the time being, I am not seeing Claire and the only way of seeing her is if I understand why I've hurt her. I think I do, but she thinks I don't.
Where to go from here? I've no idea.
1:09am
