Stuart came round at 3:30. I said I'd ring her around 9pm. She called me at 5.
I talked to her like nothing had happened and I tried to be in happy mood, asking her how she was and the normal stuff. I then asked about her and Stuart.
"I don't want to break up with you Neil", her tone of voice meant there was a but, "but I think we should go on a break".
A break? Why? Why do you need a break?
"I need time to think"
"I don't understand what there is to think about if you love me and you want to be with me", by now my heart was feeling like there was a ton of bricks on it. "What did you say to Stuart?"
"That I liked him, but I love you"
"Then I don't get why you need a break"
"I just need to think"
The conversation carried on like this. By the end of it I was in tears.
"I love you Neil", she said "Will you say you love me?"
"I love you", "Bye".
I sat and cried for a few minutes, contemplating the fact that until further notice, I can't see my girlfriend. I was so looking forward to seeing her in two weeks and now I can't.
I went the bathroom and cried some more, before returning to the living room and sitting down. My mum was sitting in there.
"How's Claire", my mum said, after a few minutes.
"She wants to have a break". I began to cry again.
My mum didn't know what to say. There is nothing she can say.
So, right now, I'm feeling extremely sad and feeling like I've lost her. To me, a break is almost as good as a break up. I can't see her, that's the worst thing about either.
I was preparing myself for rejection today when she rang and I thought I could handle it, but now it's not rejection and it's not quite embracement either. It's somewhere inbetween and that hurts more than if she were to end things. It really hurts.
She keeps mentioning my depression as a reason for her wanting this break. I don't understand that, as the more i'm with her, the more I feel less depressed.
"Maybe it'd be better if you did go out with Stuart", I said to her.
"No", she said, "I want you".
Yet I can't be with her. Frustration, confusion, some anger and lots of sadness fill my head right now. My heart is pysichally hurting.
She still wants to talk online and on the phone. It's almost like we are together, but we aren't. That is worse than not talking at all, now that I know I can't see her at all for who knows how long.
So right now, i'm feeling more alone than ever. It feels like i'm on the verge of losing my girlfriend. The one thing that makes me happy.
Life is unfair in so many ways. I know I'm a good person. I know that. I'm kind, generous, truthful and loyal, yet being good doesn't seem to secure relationship it seems. Do good people always get the bad luck?
It truly seems that way sometimes.
12:06am
