The reason for this? Who knows. One reason could be that I didn't get enough sleep, but I've had little sleep before and not felt this bad. Perhaps it's the fact that my mum came with me to see James Riley, and they talked to me/each other about the consequences of not going to college. I don't know.
My mum woke me up at 12pm. I really didn't feel like being awake so I went back to sleep till 1pm. My mum woke me up again and I was still reluctant to get up. I did so around 1:10pm. I felt horrible. I felt very tired and my mood was not a good one. When i'm in a depressive mood, it's very easy to tell. My voice is low, I look rough, I feel terrible and I just want to go and sleep my life away.
The appointment with James was at 2pm, and we made it on time. "What I want to know, is has Neil got depression?", my mum asked him, once we were in his office. He answered yes, and explained why. I didn't do much talking at all this session, since I just didn't feel like it. I didn't really want to be there. I wanted to be back in bed. Asleep. I didn't want to be alive today.
The appointment lasted an hour and was left at him saying he'd look into "Chronic Fatigue" and also a review of the medication i'm currently on and a full assesment of me.
"Chronic Fatigue is a debatable subject. Some say it's just part of depression." - James Riley.
I don't care what it is. I just want to know how to make me feel better and to have quality of life. Right now, college is fading into the distance because of this tiredness thing.
After the session, I felt even worse. I'd started having thoughts about dying. Death. Dead. Negative things. Depressive things. Things that I thought about a year ago.
I decided to go to town and buy eJay, as I said in my last entry. My mum went home, and I caught the train to town.
On the train, I thought about my life, or rather the lack of life I have.
I may well get kicked off college.
I will probably fail the course even if I stay on it.
I have no friends.
I have no one to socialise with.
I have no aims in life, no focus.
I can't see myself in 10 years.
I'm breathing, but i'm far from alive.
I feel dead.
I felt like crying on the train. I could feel the tears just underneath my eyes, but they never actually come out. I wanted to cry so much. I was feeling the worst I have done in quite a few months, but still the tears never came. I didn't care if there were people around me and they'd see me crying. I didn't care. I just wanted to cry. I needed to release my emotions through my tears but I can never do it and so all this pent up sadness, depression, anger and frustration are trapped inside of me and I don't know how to let it out.
I thought about the next few months and the effects of not being at college.
I'll have no qualifications.
I'll have nowhere to go each day.
I'll feel depressed.
I'll start self harming again.
I can see myself cutting my arms in my mind. Putting the blade where scars already exist. You have no idea how much it scares me to think this. It's really scaring the hell out of me. To think that I may be capable of doing it again, after stopping it for so long. My arms are already scarred so much that I have to keep them covered at all times in public. I don't want to make it worse.
I know it's possible that I will, though. It scares me.
I didn't buy eJay, I bought Renegade. All the time, I kept trying to tell myself "This is good. You're doing something nice. You're out. You're happy". It didn't work. All the time I was thinking that, I was also thinking "I feel like crap. I want to die. I want to cut myself". Such contradictions. My mind is full of them.
Right now I don't feel as bad as I did this morning, but I still feel worse than I do most days. I talked to Claire earlier on about how I felt. We only talked online for 30 minutes, but then she rang me a while later because she wanted to talk to me on the phone and I was really glad she rang. I love listening to her voice so much. I don't care what she says, I just like listening to her.
I tried to sound happier than how I'd come across online, but I didn't have the energy to.
We talked for about 30 minutes or more on the phone. She helped me a little. Even thought it was only for those 30 minutes, she helped. I don't know how she helps, but she does and it's something like that that makes me love her so much. I can feel my love for her growing every time we're together. At the same time, i'm scared of losing her. I'm scared she'll get bored of me. I'm scared someone else will come along and take her from me. She is my everything to lose her would be terrible.
I don't think I'll be going into college in the morning. I don't think my mood will have changed much. If I did go in, feeling the way I do now, I'd get nothing done. Nothing. I wouldn't want to, nor would I care. You could place �1 Million at the steps of college and tell me it's mine if I get there at 9am tomorrow, but I feel like this tomorrow morning then I will not go. I don't care what kind of incentive there is to do so.
In the waiting room in the hospital, my mum asked me what I want for my birthday. "I'm not bothered", I replied. She looked at me surprised. "Nothing?", she asked. "It's no big deal to me", I said.
Nothing is a big deal to me. Life seems pointless. The only thing that is worth living for is to love Claire because Claire is my everything. Whether that be a good thing or a bad thing, it's the way things are and I can't help the way I feel.
My mind feels extremely bad today.
12:51am
