I didn't go to college. My exam is in a week or so. I'll probably fail. I screwed college up. Again.
I don't think i'm made for getting things right, since everything I've ever done always ends up in a mess and I get the blame for it and rightly so. I know it's my fault. I am the fault.
Right now, my head feels very heavy. It's a mixture of tiredness, depression and the fact that I banged my head and so now I have a headache, but because I almost always feel like my head is going to explode, I always have a headache.
I can't wait for my next appointment with James Riley. It's on the 20th. I have a lot I need to say to him. Although I don't think an hour is enough with him, what I want to say never really gets spoken and so I come out wanting to say more than when I first went in and it's frustrating, because I know that I'll have to wait another 4 weeks to say what I want to say again and the pattern repeats itself.
College. I don't care really. Ok, I might fail my exam, but I don't care. Nothing matters to me. It all seems pointless. I just want to be left alone and wither away, because whehter i'm with people or not, I make no difference, since i'm not exactly sociable. Whether I was alive or dead, it wouldn't make much difference to most people. I am of little importance to most people and that's the way it should be, since I haven't done anything to deserve them thinking about me.
Prozac. I'm back on them now. Unfortunately, Prozac takes up to EIGHT weeks to kick in so i'm not gonna even have a chance of feeling that good till April. April? God, I've just realised how long eight weeks is.
April. My birthday is in April. I'll be 18. I'll officially be an adult. I don't want to be an adult. There are too many responsibilities and I don't want responsibility. I like independance, though dependance is nice at times. Adulthood doesn't sound appealing. Get a job. Find a house. Neil, you're late for work again. Monotony. What's on TV? Go to sleep. Can't sleep in. More work. Late again. Spend the day working away. Come home. What's on TV? Cook a ready to eat meal. Phone rings. No, I don't want double glazing. Fill in forms for various things. Sign on the dotted line. Sign your life away. Go away on holiday. 2 weeks in the sun. Sun? I don't like the sun. 2 weeks in the snow. 2 weeks of trying to have a life. Over already. Back to boredom. Reality. Did you get a tan while you were on holiday? What was the weather like? Go back next year. 50 weeks later. Spend less than two years of your life in a place you enjoy. Spend more than 40 in a job you hate. Play the lottery. Lose. Play it again anyway. Money. Money doesn't make you happy. Buying things with money might though. Accumulate possesions. Look like you're having fun. Fun. Fun? No, work. Neil, you're late again. That holiday in the snow was nice. 50 weeks left till life is easy again. Working week. The weak that are working. Earn a living. Work to live. Love to live. Work while you're living. Live to work. Live until you're dead. Retirement. Old age. No more work. Another holiday in the snow. Can't. Too old. Too cold. What's on TV? Adverts for life insurance. Insurance. Insure someone makes a living from you dying. Death. People suddenly care. Care. Someone visits you every day to make sure you're living well. Dying well. Dying. Everything gets slower. No work no more. No living anymore. Living no more. Dying quicker. Feeling tired. Tired. Very tired of life. Give up. Go to sleep. Sleep. Dream. No more dreams. No chance to live the dream. Everything is quiet. Quiet. Peaceful. Life comes to and end. The end.
