It's a good entry today to hit 200 with as well.
A small recap of my life through the eyes of my diary entries beginning in February of this year:
February: "Today didn't happen for me. Well, not really. It didn't feel real. I woke up at 2pm and after events that happened during the day I didn't feel like being concious anymore so after just 6 hours of being awake, I went back to bed."
March: "Talking to Natalie is lovely. Meeting her in person and spending 5 days with her is amazing. I like having her within hugging range :).
This week ranks, in my opinion somewhere near the top (if not on the top) of the "Best day of my life" pile of things :)."
April: "Don't want to explain everything that went on in the last week at Natalie's, except to say things changed on Sunday. I cried lots. Lots. Got my heart broken and mended by the same person. Turned to her for a hug. Felt better. Feel better than Sunday. Still feel like I've lost something though. I'd give anything to have it back.
I'm glad we're still the best of friends though. I'd hate to lose her as my best friend."
May: "Cut.
Hospital
Stitches x12
Mental Crisis Doctor"
June: "Around 8am I started cutting. Up to now my arms have been healing very well and really, there isn't much you can see in the way of marks. That changed though this morning because I got the blade and started on the underside of my left arm. That wasn't enough though. The blade I'd been using had lost it sharpness so I wasn't really cutting as deep as I wanted to. I took a new blade out of the pack and started cutting again. It obviously cut the skin a lot easier, but it wasn't as deep as I wanted, so instead of doing it slow, I did quick slashes which were much better, because it went much deeper than the ones I can do with slow cuts."
July: "Recently, I've been giving thought to running away from home. Sometimes I just can't deal with being here. Being within these walls. Being around my mum. It irritates me, which is why the thought of running away sounds appealing."
August: "My mum moans at me over and over again that I should get up earlier than I do, so, I did, yet what good has it done? All that's happened is that i'm even more bored than I am usually. Almost 6 hours of doing absolutley nothing. I mean, I didn't even feel like going on the computer because there was no one on (which Laura reveled in, because it meant she could go on it). I've mostly been sitting/laying on my bed watching (rubbish) TV. Oh such a great reason to get up early."
September: Last week I had an appointment with Ken. I had expressed an interest in going back to College to my mum and she organised an appointment with Ken. Basically he rang Roby College about an Art & Design course they had there and today I went to check it out. The first challenge was actually getting there. Thankfully, my mum went with me, otherwise I would have had no chance.
College is gonna be extremely difficult for me I think. The socialising side of it mainly. Hopefully the class isn't too big though and hopefully now that they've all seen me anyway, they'll at least be kind of used to me and me used to them.
October: "Jenny and Kirsty were comparing how white/dark their skin was and they asked me to show me my arms. I showed them about 2 inches of my left arm to Kirsty. She obviously saw my cuts, but didn't say nothing. Later on, we were talking again. Stupidly, Catherine says "Can I carve your initials on your arm?"...urgh. Stupid. I said "I don't have room" and Jenny said "Why don't you have room?". I tried to ignore her about it, but she kept asking me. Thankfully, Kirsty joined in and said that I had cuts on my arm. Jenny then asked me why I do it to which I replied "I dunno". Kirsty once again stood up for me saying about how she does it and she doesn't know either. I removed myself from the conversation while Kirsty and Jenny continued. I didn't wanna be in it. I owe Kirsty one for that."
November: "Although it wasn't much to most people, today was one of those days that I wish I had more of. It's one of those days that makes me feel good about myself and I haven't had a lot of those in my life and I think i'm due for loads.
It's days like that that make me want to go to college to see Kirsty more and when i'm not in college I miss her. Infact, I miss Jenny and Catherine too.
Today was great."
Such a lot has changed over the past few months and it's changed for the better. A lot still has to be improved on, but I've come a long way from the beginning of the year.
A list of people I would like to thank for this:
Natalie, Kate, Sarah, Ken (College councillor), Carol (College councillor), Sasha (YPAS councillor), Anna (my college teacher), Kirsty, Jenny, Catherine, the rest of my class and my cat for being furry :).
For the 201st entry, I'm opening up my diary to you. Write what you like about you/me/life. Anything you want. I wanna know what you think.
Click here to post an entry to my diary.
10:53pm
