On the way to Nat's, I have to change trains at Wigan North Western station. It's about a 30 minute wait for the next train so I went to wait in the waiting room. Thankfully it was empty.
Then two old women came in, but they didn't stay long, which I was glad of.
Then 4 girls and a guy came in, ranging from maybe 16-18. These are the people who I find it most difficult to talk to, and having 5 to deal with at once is a lot.
They were nice, though. Friendly. They said hi and asked me loads of questions. Where am I from, where am I going, how old am I etc etc. I don't mind answering questions, infact, the more personal, the better, but only when it's a stranger asking the question. Additionally, I don't like asking questions. This puts too much pressure on me.
One of them asked me what my name was and her friend said "she only asks someone their name if she fancies them". Whether that was true or not it did make me feel good for a second. It was very strange being the centre of attention for 5 teenagers. It was very uncomfortable and yet, at the same time it was so nice to be around people that seemed interesting, and also, interested in me.
They went outside to wait and I was inclined to follow for some reason. I just stood outside, but away from them. One of them came over to me and started talking to me for a few minutes and I enjoyed that. She asked could she have some of my drink and I let her. You might think that's nothing, but to me, it's qute the opposite and it meant a lot to me.
They'd all been to Southport and one of them had a wand with silver strands coming off it. She came over with a strand and tried to tie it to my glasses. She couldn't do it so she took them off me, tied the strand to them and placed them back on me. I might of looked stupid but I didn't care cos it was nice to just be around people my age who were just messing around with me. It was great.
We got on the same train. I tried to find a seat but there were none so I just stood in the middle of one of the carriages and I spotted them sitting inbetween carriages, but I didn't go over since I was too uncomfortable to just go up to them and try to mingle. I heard one of them shout my name and I looked over to them. One of them gestured for me to come over to them and I was more than happy to. It was so nice to be in their company, even if it was for 30 minutes. A train journey that was far from boring for me.
I got in Glasgow Central around 9:40pm and it was very nice being there again. It was like home away from home almost, because I knew what to expect from the whole thing.
The week to follow was great. Just being in her company makes me feel great. Whether it be watching a movie together, or hugging her. It's more than I could ever ask for.
As always, I hated leaving her. Waking up and finding her next to me, looking at me is something that I can't describe if you were to ask me how I feel at that moment. It's magical everytime, and to wake up in my own bed after that is very withdrawing.
Today I've been feeling terrible really, though I haven't showed it. I know it's because I miss feeling 'free' and 'alive', which is how I feel when I am with Natalie. To revert back to my 'normal' state is truly uncomfortable, though I know it can't be helped, unfortunatly.
I just don't know where I stand regarding this.
I went to see my psychologist today. He's a nice guy. Not like some doctors I've met. He's down to earth and easy to talk to. Not patronising in the slightest which is refreshing.
I wasn't quite sure what to expect from this appointment, as last time he basically wrapped everything up and wasn't going to give me another appointment. Only for me asking him to, did he.
I was glad that I went because it turned out to be a good session. We discussed a lot of things and I explained to him that I'd gone up to Scotland. He was amazed that I'd managed to do that and the first time I did go up there, I was a bit amazed too. We discussed the way I feel about Natalie in relation to how I feel about other people. As I say, it was a good session.
We also discussed the option of moving out of the house to have my own space, as being around my mum may be partially responsible for how I feel. When I explained to him about the way she sometimes shouts at me, and how I choose not to reply, he commented on how that was a very good strategy and he genuinely seemed surprised and happy that I'd managed to come to this conclusion, which, in turn, I was happy about.
I asked him for a copy of his findings and he declined on the grounds that I had to go through the proper channels to get access to them. I'd just like to know what his opinion of me is and how he feels I am improving/declining over the time I am seeing him.
He gave me a book on depression, but, to be honest, I don't think I'll read it, since what better way to understand depression that to be in it yourself? Reading won't help me, and he agreed with me on this actually. I gave it to my mum insted to read. Maybe she'll get more out of it. I hope so, anyway.
I see him again in 3 weeks. I think this is way too long.
This weekend will be my recovery weekend I think, since I haven't really had time to get settled into my life again (not that I want to!), and the fact that I had that appointment today. Saturday and Sunday will hopefully be my days off from anything to do with anything to do with me basically. Unfortunatly, though, it returns on Monday in the form of YPAS and a self-esteem/confidence course, which i'm looking forward to, since I'd really like to have more of this. Then it's back to YPAS the next day to see Carol for a councilling session, which, again, I am looking forward to since all these sessions are the only time I actually get to open my mouth and actually speak a bit all week. The rest is spent in silence.
It's Natalie's birthday on Tuesday. Which reminds me actually, it's Saturday which means I might go to town to get her present. She said she wanted "Star Trek: First Contact", which surprised me, since i'm the one who usually wants anything to do with Star Trek. It's very strange hearing someone else say that they want it.
I did want to get her something special. I don't know what exactly, but just something that was a bit more personal than a video. I think I'll just have to settle for the vid for now but I don't intend for this to be the final settlement.
I've actually not used the computer much today. I think part of it is because the net hasn't been working properly, but even when it did, I wasn't that eager to go on it like I normally am. Insted, most of today was spent laying on my bed watching TV. Laura is actually more obsessed with the internet than I am I think. The only thing I really use it for is talking to people, since the net is my portal to the outside world.
Hopefully it won't be forever.
3:31am
