I wish there was something I could do for her.
1:16am
4:10am
Two hours ago the phone rang. My mum answered it. She shouted me. I knew something was wrong. I went to the phone and it was Natalie's mum. Nat was in hospital. I felt terrible and helpless inside. I wanted to help her but couldn't. I wanted to be there with her but couldn't. I feel useless.
I started crying.
Then my mother had a go at me. I'm not going into on here. But, SHE MAKES THINGS FUCKING WORSE!. I ended up going up to my room to cry. 5 minutes later she came up the stairs and, again started shouting at me. I covered my ears. Pleading with her to just leave me along. Let me be. She just will not fucking stop. ON AND ON AND ON. I didn't hear most of it. Thankfully. She went to bed after that. Leaving me to cry on my own. No one to turn to. No one to talk to. No one. Alone.
For another hour I cryed and cryed. Shaking and crying. It's all I done. I needed someone to talk to so I went online to see if anyone was on MSN.
No one.
I checked ICQ. Thankfully, Nelly, a friend in the US was online. I poured my heart and eyes out to her. She asked me for my phon number. Saying she'd call me. I said no, because I was in no state to talk. I couldn't stop crying long enough to get words out my mouth. She calmed me down a bit. I wish I had local friends who I could call about something like this. But I don't. Especially not at 3am.
I've calmed down now. It's 4:20am. It's took me around 3 hours to get to this stage. Thoughts are rushing through my mind of how and who and what and why. Feeling helpless. Wanting to do something but can't.
I considered phoning Childline just to hear a voice...but all I got was Esther Ranzten saying all their councillors were busy. I tryed again, but got the same reply, so I gave up.
I went in a Yahoo Chatroom. See if there was anyone there that I could talk to, but as much as people mean well, they can't really help me. Not until they have a full picture, which I can't explain to them in such a short amount of time. I can't explain a year's worth of friendship in a few sentences.
The thing that really gets me is my mother. The fact that she shows no signs of comfort for me in this when I need it the most. Insted, she launches an attack at me for being upset about it.
I don't think I have ever shouted at my mum, but tonight I did because she was just STUPID AND OUT ORDER and the worst part is she'll never understand why.
Sometimes this is why running away from home seems such a good idea at times. Just to get away from HER. I do not hate my mother. I do, however, get VERY ANGRY when she doesn't know when to back down and just let me be.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
4:32am
11:08am
I didn't attempt to go to sleep till around 6am last night. I decided to go sleep on the couch, because if Nat's mum rang, I wouldn't be able to hear it if I was in my room.
She rang at around 10:20am and explained everything to me about Nat. She gave me the number of the hospital as well which I was thankful for. Maybe I'll ring Nat later, but I don't know if I should because she might not wanna talk to me? I don't know.
*sigh*, I wish there was something I could do for her.
11:12am
4:25pm
Since Natalie's mum rang earlier on, the phone has rung twice. Since I thought Natalie's mum wouldn't ring me till later, I went back to bed, in my room. I heard the phone ring at around 1pm and rushed out of my bed, down my stairs, down the main stairs and into the living room to get the phone. Unfortunatly, I got there just after it stopped ringing. I immediatly did 1471 and then 3 to return the call and got Claire's mobile. Claire is Laura's friend. She put Laura on. She just said to tell my mum that she was fine and whatever (she's staying out till Monday). I went back to bed again.
The phone rang an hour later and once again, I rushed to get it. Again, I missed it by a second and again I did 1471, and 3 to return the call. This ime is was my cousin Michael asking how the computer was. I told him it's still not working properly and he advised me on how to fix it. I tried to fix it but it's still not working. I've reinstalled the latest sound card drivers, but haven't tested it yet.
Then, just now, to my surprised, relief and joy, Natalie rang me. She was allowed to go home. I felt so relieved, yet still worried about her. I talked to her for about 10 minutes. Just talking about what it was like in there and stuff. I wish I could be there with her now. Just for her to talk to someone.
I am so thankful she's home, but I am still worried about her. This will never go. I care about her too much. My mother doesn't see this.
*sighs of relief*
4:34pm
