I'll start with yesterday - Going to YPAS (Young Person's Advisory Service), in town. Our appointment was for 1pm and we got there at about 1:10pm. I let my mum walk in first, because I certainly wasn't going to. She rang the bell and someone opened the door for us.
Inside there were a few people. I'd say 20-25, something like that. About 4 of them there was. The room was average. 4 or 5 couches set around a table, on which there was a chess board. In the corner there was a small kitchen and on the left of the kitchen was some stairs. My mum explained to the girl that was there that we had an appointment to see Claire and she directed us to go up the stairs.
We met Claire and she took us into a small room where she began to explain what YPAS has to offer people that go there. She explained that they run a self injury group and also they offer one-to-one councilling sessions. While I was in there I felt uncomftable, because, well that's me isn't it. I didn't really say much. Just answering yes or no to her questions. She asked did I want the one-to-one councilling before I go into the self harm group and I thought it might be best to do that, so as to ease myself into the group.
She said my councillor would be Carol. She took us to meet her and this woman came out. She said hi to me and my mum, shook our hands (I've never understood that gesture, and never feel comftable doing it) and asked when would be the best time for me to come see her. Well, it's not like my timetable is full for the week so I just said whenever. Wednesday, 3:30pm, next week my appointment is. She asked (or rather implied) that I was comfortable coming there now, to which I replied no. She laughed and said 'Aww i'm sure you will be soon'. She seemed very loud to me, which intimidated me quite a lot.
We said goodbye to her and were about to walk down the stairs when Claire came to show us out. She started talking to my mum about the place at the top of the stairs. I looked at the people who were talking in the room. Wondering if any younger people come here, since, although I don't mind too much how old people are, I'd much rather be with people my own age.
My mum asked would there be someone to introduce me to the group. Claire said "well, normally people just introduce themselves, or someone will come over to you and said 'who are you?'. Do you wanna meet ___ (I can't remember his name)?". I said yes and we went down the stairs and she introduced me to him, and the girl he was playing chess with.
She explained to him that I may be coming there and she asked him to tell me a bit about the place. He moved up the couch and I sat down. He was nice. He seemed really confident about himself. I was not. I didn't really say much to him. It was all him talking, and me nodding or saying yeah.
Although I never actually show it, inside I feel terrible. Very anxious and panicy when I am with more than one person. This is what I was like in YPAS. He's explaining all this stuff to me and all I can think about really is getting the hell out of there.
They run a 'Drop In' everyday. I think it was 12 till 4. He asked whether I was coming or not and I said I'd try. The girl (who was also friendly (but then I didn't really expect them not to be)) said "No, we don't want 'try', we want will", and she laughed. I told her I knew she'd say that. I'd heared it that many times before from people (ie Carol in College for one).
I decided I needed to get out of this conversation and quickly. The best way to do that is to make an end statement of course so I said 'I'll see you next Thursday then', to which the only answer he can give is 'ok, cya then'. Me and mum got up and walked out.
We got outside and I could breathe again. It felt very relieving to be out of there. Where people where. Yet, at the same time, it's ironic that I felt uncomfortable in a room with 5 people, yet I came out of there into a town with thousands of people. Although, i'm not exactly talking to everyone in town.
So, I have an appointment next with Carol at YPAS. It's only going to be 30 minutes, though. It's only an introduction session. Perhaps I'll find the courage somewhere to stay after the session to sit with whoever is in the drop in centre. More than likely I won't though, but I will try, because I know it'd be worth my while. I hope I can do it.
After going to see Claire me and my mum went to look for a jacket for me, we got one. As we come out the shop and into another, we passed an Echo caller (you know, the newspaper guy? (Sorry if you have no idea what i'm on about)). I wondered to myself, and then out loud to my mum "I wonder if they have to train for that?" my mum looked round to see what I was on about. "Who? What?" She said. "The Echo caller. I wonder if they have to train for it. See if they can shout loud enough?". She couldn't stop laughing.
I also got Travis' new album - The Invisible Band.
When I got home I was welcomed with an unwelcome surprise. Laura's so called 'friend' had been hacking into my computer and he's really screwed it up. It was already screwed but this just made it worse. It's prompted me to reformat quite soon.
I have to go now (heh, I never say that in my diary, but this time I really do need to). Someone from the Social is about to come. See if they can help. I'll tell you about it later, after they've gone.
Is that long enough for you Kate? ;-)
10:36am
12:30pm
The two social workers have just left. They were ok.
Not much to say about them really. Sinead and John were their names. I liked John. Sinead was quite serious.
I told them about the coucilling/self harm/how I feel/whatever else. John said he'd be my social worker from now on and he'll try and help me get out more and stuff. He's coming again on Monday to see me.
12:34pm
